InLaw help!

[Mashedpotato19]

So, I can’t give specifics incase it outs me.
Basically my sister in law is the most awful, jealous and spiteful person I’ve ever met.
We fell out a few years ago after she was extremely rude to me. I’d usually let it go as I’m not the one for confrontation or to want to fall out with my In laws. But this time she went too far.
I asked for an apology and all hell broke loose.
My husband backed me because he knew what she was like and had struggled with her behaviour for years. Her parents think the sun shines out her backside.
Since then, she has continued to bully me and her brother (my husband) by using her kids to hurt us. Stopped us from having a proper relationship with them. Even snatched her baby out of my arms.
Her parents witnessed it. All they do is make excuses for her.
We continued to spoil the children on Xmas and birthdays and whenever we did get to see them we would never let on that something was wrong.
Fast forward some time and we now have our own Baby. He’s 3 months.
We spent £150 on her when she had her first born.
She bought her nephew a packet of bibs.
She hasn’t acknowledged him since she met him when he was 2 weeks old and last weekend she popped into her parents briefly whilst we were there.
She gave a pathetic ‘alright’ to us and stood in the doorway for about 8 minutes talking to her parents. My husband was sitting no more then 2 metres away from her cuddling our baby and she didn’t so much as look at him. Not even a glance.
Now, I basically have decided that I don’t trust her. I don’t like her and I certainly don’t want her around my son unless I am present. She is clearly spreading the hatred she has for us onto my son and I don’t ever want her to be around him unless I’m in the same room.
Do I have this right?
Her parents certainly would have noticed what happened last weekend but when I bring it up as an example of why I don’t want her to be around him, her mum will make up an excuse.
My husband tends to only fight my corner when it suits him now. Say, If he has recently been offended by her or his parents and he wants to vent.
I’m going to have to go back to work soon and my husband will have him one day, but if he has to work too, his parents will ask to have him. I don’t mind that at all, but they regularly see their daughter and that’s where I have to tell them that if they have him, they are not to see her.

The story could be a lot longer. The list of nasty things she has done to us is huge.
I’m not being petty about one incident. This is something that has been a consideration of mine for a while but I thought, as long as she is good to my son, then I can’t argue. But she clearly doesn’t care about him and that is my worry.

You can say they aren’t to see their daughter while they have your baby but you cant make them, the daughter may just pop by, if you get angry then they may not tell you on future and it’d be behind your back. Could you say they look after him at your house so she doesn’t just pop in?

You’re being spiteful. I understand why but it’s really not helping anything. You will make your in-laws and DH miserable with demands that are simply revenge for her doing whatever she’s done. It’s really not the high road and you’re stooping to her level.

You can't dictate who your PILs can see when they are providing childcare.

You need a nursery. Unfair to put your ils in such a position.

It doesn't look like shes interested in forming a relationship with your ds anyway, so probably no reason to worry, but regardless, they probably wont tell you if they do see her.

I really don't think you can say who is, and isn't, allowed into PIL's home whilst they are looking after your child. And would you even know about it anyway?
If it bothers you that much, I would choose paid childcare, if you can find this for an occasional day.

Put him in nursery.

I’m not saying you’re wrong to feel as you do, but you can’t dictate how they spend their time when they’re providing childcare for your son

Your SIL doesn’t show any interest in your DS, so you don’t want her near him? Is it just me or does this sound a bit pointless?

So send him to nursery. Do you really think she'll care enough to be horrible to him? It's your dh's family, he has the right to spend time with them and to let them see your ds.

You're pointlessly stirring the pot. Unless your SIL has done something that might actually make her a danger to your child, which it does not sound like, you should just be grateful for the free child care.

You've obviously made it clear to her that you don't like her so why do you want her to be nice to you? It sounds like she is being the bigger person by ignoring you tbh.

First of all, no one here can express a view on whether YABU because you haven’t said why you fell out with SIL. So we don’t know whether you were justified in asking for an apology, etc.

In any event, you cannot (not should not -you really can’t) dictate who your ILs have in the house when they’re doing free babysitting for your DC. If you are unhappy with that, you should get a childminder or nursery.

You seem to think you can somehow ‘win’ over SIL, turning her own parents against her. That’s deluded. Stop fighting that fight. They will not choose you/your DC over their daughter. Make your peace and move on.

I’m not quite sure why the money you spent should even come into this. Spending £150 was your choice - no one else’s. If you weren’t arguing with her then, that’s completely irrelevant to what is happening between you now. On the other hand, if you were arguing and you still spent £150.. well.. more fool you! 🙈

The fact that you’re wanting her to not be around isn’t really something you can dictate to other people. I can understand why, but at the end of the day, you’re the one that has a problem with her.. not the other way round, so you need to be keeping your child away if that’s really what you want

I don’t think you can put your PIL in this horrible position. If they are providing childcare I don’t think you can expect them to ban her from visiting. You are the one fighting with your SIL, not them.

It doesn’t sound like SIL is going to harm your baby so I would just accept that she will sometimes see him. But if you aren’t happy with that, you can send him to a nursery or childminder instead.

If I really didn't like someone and didn't trust them, I'd be more worried if they showed a lot of interest in my dc than if they didn't. If the worst thing she does to your ds is to ignore him, how is that going to hurt him?

Don't make this about your baby. You don't like her - that's fine, you already have good reason to not like her.

Your child and hers are not battle grounds to be fought over.

You either don't let them look after him while you work, or you let them but accept that they might see their daughter. You can't dictate to your PIL who they can and can't see when they're doing you a favour. I understand where you're coming from and I'd be 100% the same with not wanting her around him, but as she's not an actual danger to your child, she's just not nice, I think it would be unreasonable to ask them not to see her. Find alternative childcare

Definitely find alternative childcare - you will then feel much more relaxed going back to work. Otherwise you will be constantly worried if PIL provide childcare.

She doesn’t like you, she doesn’t have any feelings of dislike towards your child though. Don’t put the grandparents in the middle of this

Trust your instincts.

She sounds like my own sister. I’ve always been very “understanding” of my sister, she is the family favourite, spoilt, narcissistic, and vindictive, but as everyone always pointed out “she’s faaaaaaaaamiky, you only have each other, don’t be so mean, it’s normal for siblings to fall out, don’t use your child as a pawn they will suffer” etc. You get the idea.

She was “fine” with my DD for about 4 years? Then lost the plot, we are now estranged, my child will never see her again, neither will I. She put my DD in danger and laughed to spite me.

So, no, don’t be swayed by those saying YOU are being spiteful or unreasonable etc. She doesn’t like you, your child is an extension of you. It’s just a matter of time before she decides to hurt you via your child. TRUST. YOUR. INSTINCTS.

And to those who think this is ridiculous or over dramatic, faaaaaaamiky etc. I’m glad you have normalfamilies, many of us don’t. If you haven’t lived with the mentally disordered or emotionally maladjusted you have no idea how horribly dangerous and damaging they can be.

I wish you luck OP. Please don’t teach your child this woman is a safe person.

Thankyou all for your honesty.
I probably didn’t explain myself well enough.
Alternative childcare isn’t a problem at all. It’s because I think they will offer and I’m not sure whether I have the right to tell them no and my reason being his sister.
I’m fully aware that I can’t expect them to not see her if they have him, and I do believe that they would see her and just not tell me. They are a family of compulsive liars.
I don’t want to hurt anybody and although I don’t fully see eye to eye with his parents, I would never want to make them feel like they couldn’t see him. No matter what I think of them sometimes, it’s no secret that they adore their grandchildren.

Whether SIL would hurt him physically is still a doubt of mine. They all have foul tempers and I have witnessed her being abit rough with her own children. We never really 100% know people.
Like I said previously, the list of nasty things she has done is endless and I wouldn’t put anything past her anymore.
But it’s concerning as I think her eldest has heard them saying stuff about me as the last few times I’ve seen them, I’ve had toys thrown at my face aggressively.
It makes me sick to think that things would be said about me infront of my own son no matter how old he is.
My own family have been sickened by her behaviour and have expressed their concerns.
I just don’t want that rubbing of on my son.
What @SugarPlumLairy2 has said about my child being an extension of me is exactly how I see it. She hates me and my husband that much now and she has already shown coldness towards my son.

In regards to the initial argument, me and my husband tried to put an end to it all but she carried it on. Very cleverly though she made her parents believe that there wasn’t a problem and manipulated the whole situation. Doing things to us knowing we wouldn’t say anything because my husband didn’t want to cause any more drama.
We finally made them aware of everything she’d done after it went too far and his mum made nothing but excuses for her.

You have every right to say no, it’s your child not theirs.

Go NC with the bitch sil and have a drama free life.

You can't accept their offer of childcare. If they do offer just thank them and say you'd prefer to use other option. Don't give sil as the reason.

Then just quietly distance yourselves.

If your that concerned or even if there’s a slight thought in your mind he might be hurt you need to get a nursery.