Suicidal daughter

[nilcarborundum]

I'm scared out of my wits. My daughter, who has MH problems has driven off in my car taking all her meds. I've had a few messages saying This is the end and Don't call the police. I don't know what to do. She's not answering my messages now and I don't know where she is. I have no one to turn to. We only had a silly argument about something and she punched me in the chest and then ran up to get her meds and was gone before I knew it .

So glad she’s okay

You did the right thing OP. Glad she's OK.

The authorities don't care. Or don't have the resources to care.

My ex was found in a suicidal state by police and brought home too.

People saying they should have taken her to a psychiatric unit... That's true but you wouldn't belive the state of MH services right now.

My ex attempted suicide 3 times and has had No ongoing help despite being assessed for it 2 months ago.

8 weeks later and we've still heard nothing despite numerous phone calls trying to get a follow up.

MH services are in crisis :(

Sorry about your daughter OP xx

I've been where you are. Lost one beloved AC to suicide.
As a result a younger AC became very unstable and attempted (unsuccessfully) to end her life 4 times.
I involved the police every time and her abuse to me was vile.
We are some years down the track now. She's still vulnerable but SO much better. No suicide attempts in four years now.
She lives semi independently and has a loving relationship with her baby.
She tells me frequently that I saved her life, that she wouldn't have her child without me, and she is so grateful that I fought for her.
I just wanted to tell you this - as at the time I thought she would never forgive me and that we would never recover as mother and daughter and that she would die.
We are through it. We survived. She tells me how much she loves me.
There IS hope. Hold strong. I know how frightened you are at present. It's unbearable.

So glad to wake up to the news that she’s safe.

Please do not apologise to her, she won’t understand at the moment and will think you are the worst person in the world but all you need to say is that you love her and will never stand by when she is in danger and do nothing. Then when you’ve done all the million other things you have to do today nip out and buy a key lock box so you can secure the car keys in future. Maybe the same for the meds. 💐

@mummaofmytribe that’s so good to hear 💐

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/3542520-Is-parenting-a-teen-adversely-affecting-your-mh

It’s also worth popping along to this thread, you will need a place to rant and offload and it’s turned into a bit of a well needed support thread for those struggling to cope with the abuse they receive from their teens.

Good luck and I hope you both receive lots of support. Xx

Thank you billybagpuss
She has not spoken to me yet and I know she is very angry. As we both use the car so much it's really difficult hiding the keys but I've bought a tracker for the car. The worst part was not knowing where she was.
I don't know how we are going to go forward from this. Ideally I'd like to move out, but I don't know how she would manage. We have three dogs that I look after. And I do most of the housework. I retired last year ( I'm 65) and didn't expect to be spending it doing this !
Waiting for her CPN to ring me back, but really, she gets very little help from the MH team here.
Thanks for the link, I'll give it a go xx

@Mummaofmytribe So sorry to hear about your loss . It's every mothers worst nightmare. My dd had a nervous breakdown three years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer. I'm all she's got really. But I have my own health problems including chronic arthritis. I'm meant to be having a knee replacement in a few weeks. I don't know what's going to happen now. She seems to resent doing things for me, she has to drive a lot when I can't and complains about it all the time .
I'm glad you and your daughter have come to terms with her illness. At the moment I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel 😐

Of course there was nothing else you could have done. If your daughter is angry now, there will come a time when she acknowledges this.

You may need to talk to her MN nurse about whether you should stop her driving for the moment. It sounds as if she could be dangerous to herself and other people.

Has she had a full adult social care assessment, and have they done a carer's assessment? The Care Act 2014 provides that carers should have proper respite and other help. There certainly should be no question of your health problems not being dealt with.

nilcarborundum you're in a dreadful position and you really do have my sympathy. Is there anyone at all who could transport you for the knee replacement? You absolutely can't miss out on that.
Is there a volunteer hospital transport set up near you? This is exactly the sort of situation they're designed for.
I'd seriously ring the hospital and tell them you can't get there and back and ask who to speak too. That way you don't even need to involve your daughter.
Also see the GP for your own sake. There may be some kind of support for after the surgery as well while you're immobile.
I would make an appointment and tell them exactly what's happening and ask for any and every available help. Good luck

Acis I'm still waiting for a callback from her nurse. We have a lot to discuss but they are not very Cooperative. She hasn't even got a psychiatric doctor at the moment after hers retired.
I've had a carers assessment. I had to do it in private because my dd doesn't believe I need any help. The social worker concerned pointed out to me that I'm being abused. I know that but I can't do anything about it.

Mumma. I do have a partner but we live apart. He's going to take over most of the caring I need and take me to the hospital etc x

You need to talk to solicitors who specialise in social care law (e.g. Irwin Mitchell, Steel & Shamash, Simpson Millar) as I don't think social services can refuse to do an assessment in your circumstances. You may be able to get legal aid in your own or your daughter's name.

nilcarborundum I am so glad that she is safe. Mental Health services are in a shocking state, my experience of dealing with them is similar to yours. We had the police out for a relative only a couple of weeks ago, also found safe.

Have you been in touch with the Carers Association, they will give you great support and they also have a forum for Carers. It's a lonely place being a carer isn't it? www.carersuk.org/

Also Mind who can give you advice regarding daughters MH specifically and explain your options. I agree that she is very abusive towards you. I'm concerned about your MH as well as your physical health. It is ok to say that you can't manage any more, no shame in that at all.
www.mind.org.uk/

You are a loving and caring Mum.

@gilchrist168 Thank you the link x

It's great that AIBU on MN is the place to come for a first-time poster in times of need.

Maybe name changed?

This charity provides time out for people who feel suicidal, perhaps your daughter could arrange to stay with them for some respite www.maytree.org.uk

I am not a first time poster! Obviously I have changed my name because of the sensitive nature of the post. I posted on AIBU because I knew it gets more traffic

We have been in your position numerous times! It is very stressful!

We call the police every time. DD may not like it, but we tell her that we do not want to live the rest of our lives with her death on our conscience. We have to do everything we can to stop her, including calling the police. It may be the police can’t stop her, and it’s her responsibility; but at least we did what we could.

TBH, the police have often taken her to A & E or the S 136 suite, and she was discharged after talking to the Crisis team! It serves no real purpose! However, the police with one exception, have always been very good to her and us. Some staff at A & E have been very dismissive though!

I guess it depends on where you live, but a friend of ours (a solicitor) told us when a high profile crime was committed in a certain large city, that ANPR watches every road out of the city - so, criminals could not leave the city, without the police knowing! So, it could well be that if she does go off again and drive through a town, they could pick her up on CCTV with ANPR?

Yes, I am getting the cold shoulder at the moment! But I'd rather she was alive and hating me than dead and feeling nothing 😊
Police were brilliant actually. They brought her home once my partner was here because she wouldn't come home to me 🤷‍♀️ they were very kind to her.
It's good to know about the ANPR flagging up car no's . I've also ordered a tracker now xx

@joystir59 Thank you!