To ask MIL not to let DD be alone with BIL and DP?

[Brightburn]

This weekend my MIL is having our DD (2.5 years) for the night so DH and I can attend a party. She asked if we minded if she took DD to the zoo with her own DD (SIL) and her partner. Very kind of them!

We found out the other day that DH's younger brother and his girlfriend will be going too. Which had I of known befoewhand, I'd of found someone else to have DD as we've had a falling out with him (another thread).

BIL has a temper and recently grabbed his GF by the throat (whilst drunk) and shoved MIL about when angry. I'm disgusted with him and want nothing to do with him. I don't think he would ever be violent in front of DD however I don't feel happy about him and his GF taking DD for a walk or off on their own at all.

WIBU to ask MIL not to let BIL and GF take DD or would it be best if I find another babysitter. I know MIL would kick off big style if we did so surely she'll respect what we ask?

What I'm worried about is them possibly having an argument and things turning nasty again.

Personally I would find another babysitter.

I also would find another babysitter. Also, I wouldn’t let MIL babysit unless/until I was certain that my child would not be around this violent man.

Tell her your not comfortable with your dd being around bil, due to his previous behaviour, she'll either reassure you that they wont be looking after/left unattended with dd or you can look for another babysitter if she doesn't make you feel reassured about the situation

They are unlikely to drink at the zoo. They are also unlikely to split up as a group. Better family, public place than popping over for a bbq and a few beers.

For peace of mind I would tell MIL your concern about them arguing in front of DD and ask if this happens please make sure dd is taken away. And make sure bil is not left in charge of dd.

I agree BIL is wrong. But I wouldn't stop dd staying with mil. (Unless I believed she could not keep her safe).

No of course you wouldn't be unreasonable. Think I'd be finding another babysitter but if that's not possible you need to really stress to your mil that your dd needs to never be left alone with her son and gf.

LL83 is dead on.

I wouldn't stop your DD staying with her grandma, but I would clearly articulate the concerns

Your MIL might change her mind when she sees the entry fee.

If you feel that she will respect your wishes, just ask her that your daughter not be around them. If she won't respect you wishes find someone else.

We've had to do the same with my SIL's boyfriend. He talks to kids like shit, has a history of domestic violence and calls my daughter sexy. My PIL won't stop him coming round even if they have our daughter, so they simply don't babysit anymore.

It’s not unreasonable for you to be uncomfortable with your DD being around a violent person. I wouldn’t allow it and for that matter, I also wouldn’t allow my daughter to be around those who tolerate his behaviour either, like your MIL and his GF. If they don’t have sufficient boundaries themselves they’re not likely to be able to protect your daughter from him.

Your husband needs to tell her that your daughter will be nowhere near bil.

If she questions it he needs to say with a look of amazement - he's violent to the women in his family, why the hell would I let him anywhere near my daughter.

I don't think he would ever be violent in front of DD

There's two options

1. He can control his temper just fine but he's been choosing to be violent, in which case he's a nasty piece of work who should be kept well away from your children

Or

1. He can't control his temper and thus should be kept well away from your children.

I wouldn't allow BIL within the same four walls of your DD. Ever.

Cutting out a member of family causes all kinds of issues and upset. But it's necessary in this case and your MIL and DH are simply going to have to find ways around it because that man can never be near your DD. He is openly violent towards women. The family are downplaying it. This means that if ever he was to lose his temper with your DD, they'd downplay that, too.

Don't put your precious child in this position.

YANBU

My mother had dd1 many many moons ago for the weekend, she was 2 at the time. When I went to pick her up my mother was sporting a black eye her boyfriend had given her. It happened whilst dd1 was in the house, crying upstairs with my younger brother.

Violent men do not care if children are about. In fact they enjoy the power it gives them because most women don’t want children to see that kind of violence.

Tbh I’d just find another baby sitter and if any one asks be truthfull

So what happened?