Inviting divorced grandparents to DC birthday party?

[AppleApplePie]

DH’s parents divorced 35 years ago! Very bitter, FIL shipped off into the sunset with OW after a full affair as MIL was recovering from a miscarriage. OW is now step-MIL.

FIL walked out and didn’t see his very young toddler (DH) for a year!!! Actually FIL is an asshole, but unfortunately DH wants a close relationship, so they now act all cost.

The issue is that the only time MIL, FIL and OW have been in the same room is at our wedding 10 years ago (they sat in the same pew and ignored each other!!). Other than that all correspondence when DH was small was through FIL’s solicitor. For some reason, the most bitter party in all of this is OW (I have no idea why, as she got what she wanted and is now very wealthy and kept in luxury).

Anyway, my question is what do you do with divorced grandparents and your DC birthdays etc?

This year is the first year it is an issue, as previously one or the other or us have been away/busy. Now they both want to see us on the same day to celebrate DC2’s first birthday.

Help!!!! Is it U to invite them both to the party? Or shall I just tell FIL/OW that we already have MIL staying?

I'd invite them both. It's up to them to ignore each other. I'd tell them they can either come and be civil or politely ignore each other or they don't come. I wouldn't get into the realms of inviting one and not the other.

That said if they do come and one acts like a knob then next year that party wouldn't be invited.

Just invite them both tell them to be grown ups or not come. And if step mil is a. twat tell her to pipe down and not project her guilt at your child’s birthday party

I had bitter MIL who despite remarrying and having a child could never get over FIL leaving her for OW. She soon learnt that I and xh would not be dictated to about not having ‘him’ there - and dd has a brilliant relationship with her Granddad and (step) Grandma until they passed away.
Her relationship with her Grandma is rather strained though thanks to her attitude in from of dd Re Granddad.
I always believed that in this case it was not for anyone to say who my child was to have a relationship with - it was then two that had divorced and no one else.
I think she appreciated my stance on this when her son walked out on me a few years later

I wouldn't invite them at the same time. I'd do a staggered invite if DH wants them all there on same day (rather than separate days) and tell MIL that PIL is coming later after cake etc.. They did well to stay civil at your wedding. If things haven't softened, then there's maybe more damage done or things your DH & you've you've not been told about.

I think it's great that your DH wants to maintain relationship with both his parents. But it's unfair to force unwanted contact between them, it's awkward for everyone, and as mum I'd be on tenterhooks rather than focusing on my DC's birthday in this situ. When it could be far easier managed by staggering attendance on the day to respect them both and their feelings. You don't stop having emotions as you get older and it's cruel to pretend otherwise.

As a daughter I don't feel I'd have a right to decimate either of my parents feelings / life experiences when I could be smart about it to everyone's benefit. A wedding is different as it has a main and only event. It's the one time (oh, a funeral too) that one generation is more important than another.

You invite them all and they choose how to behave towards each other , it’s not your problem .

After 1st birthday, start making birthdays focussed about child and their friends as soon as possible, not grandparents? Unless they have managed to behave beautifully in which case, relax.

I never had grandparents come to mine - because they lived 100s of miles away - and I still had great relationships with my grandparents. Just make it clear it will be a nursery thing, or kids in the park or something, and go and visit grandparents separately on another day near to the birthday.

(as DC's mum, not as DH's mum)

We had this.. Very simar scenario. We invited them both and told them the other was invited / coming. On a number of occasions now they have successfully spent several hours in the same place. They bad mouth each other to us but not actually at the time. So long as you trust them not to create a scene then invite them and leave it up to them

That's grand if you are sure of reason they dislike each other. And that it's not a big deal.

But incase it is. Remember, parents protect their children and there are things that they will go to grave not saying. I'm involved in a professional way with domestic abuse survivors and if someone , no matter how old, is saying they didn't want to be in same room, even after 35 years. .. Then just listen! Make other arrangements and stagger it.

Because your "special day" might just perpetuate that abuse. And might be so traumatic for your relative that you can't imagine. Or would want to know.

Yep it’s irritating. I just find it’s tricky having so many sets of grandparents to deal with. Who all want to be called Grandad. It’s ridiculous

I’d have a had time with this one because when I read this, I felt a jolt of oh no. I’d feel for anyone woman who was treated so appallingly as your MIL was. I couldn’t condone that behaviour and would have a hard time truly liking your FIL and his OW and I wouldn’t want to put that kind of turmoil on the MIL. I don’t think is immature or selfish if MIL would feel horrid every time she’d be forced into company her ExH and his OW after school a betrayal and abandonment, who practically stabbed her in the back. Yes, people can move on, meet new people, live/love again but that level of hurt can have lasting effects and it’s sad she’ll have to deal with their company on family events going forward. Stealing her full enjoyment of her family as each event will be slightly marred for her.

I’d be sure to tell the FIL and his OW you’ve invited the MIL. If it’s OW who s the problem, I’d be sure to ask her to behave. I’d also forewarn MIL and tell her you very much want her there and go so far as to ensure she has someone with her.