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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How can I engage with MIL?

22 replies

FlamingoQueen · 17/04/2019 13:17

This is my first post so bear with me!
I have always got on with in laws. When DH and I had our son they were doting GP’s. When ds was born mil and sil were outside the delivery room - completely uninvited- and due to complications saw ds before I did.
When dd was born 3 years later I had an elective c-section due to previous complications. The only person who knew when I was having dd was my Dad who was required to look after ds (my own mum had died). I was perfectly open about the week in which she was being born (we did not know it was a girl) so people could keep the weekend after free if they wanted to visit. Anyway, when dh rang mil to say we’d had a little girl, he came back to me very upset. Mil had had a go at dh saying why didn’t you tell me she was being born and was basically really nasty to him. Fast forward 3 days and dh had to ring sil and beg his family to visit. I have a photo of mil sat there with dd in her arms and she looks so miserable (mil not dd).
Fast forward a few years and I cannot get the inlaws interested in my family. Ever since sil had 2 children of her own my 2 have been virtually ignored. We have been over there (they live an hr away) but inlaws are sat with SIL’ s children all over them and mine are just sat there. They have promised to take my 2 away in their caravan but have only ever taken their other gc and then sold the caravan. They moan about how expensive centre Parcs is in the school holidays in front of my kids and then say they probably will look for somewhere else to take the other gc. We know how expensive centre Parcs is!! We now have not seen them since Christmas and dh has given up with them. He says we can never compete with sil and her kids. Sil has always been a spoilt madam and at times does not appear able to look after her children on her own (there is no reason for this!). Even when I had breast cancer they did nothing. They didn’t even support their own son.
I just want my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents before it is too late. I love family get togethers! I don’t feel it is my place to interfere, but was wondering what to do.
AIBU to hope for grandparents to care about my children?
Sorry for the long post! TIA x

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 17/04/2019 13:21

What about your own parents? Are they not in the picture?

Original poster

FlamingoQueen · 17/04/2019 13:24

My Mum died of cancer before my children were born. My Dad has remarried (a lovely lady), but they spend time with her gc. My kids do see them fairly often and we get on well. I am close to my family, but they also live an hour away.

OP posts:

Thebatmother · 17/04/2019 13:27

She sounds, to use the MN term, very entitled and all about her which is sad. Is your DF involved with you and your GC? You can’t change MIL but if you have a good relationship with your DF then I’d focus on that. They and you and your DC are missing out on extended family get togethers but it’s better having one interested and unentitled DGF than a while host of people treating you as their possessions and maybe second best ones at that.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 17/04/2019 13:28

Trouble is, it takes two to make a relationship. In this instance you've only got one side who are willing.

Keep the lines of communication open, offer opportunities, but don't rely on them or make plans around them. If they want to join in, they can.

Thebatmother · 17/04/2019 13:29

An hour away is not too bad these days. Do you and DF have transport. I know they are involved with your DFs partners GC but I’d still work on making the absolute most of this relationship if possible.

Easterbunnynearlyhere · 17/04/2019 13:30

Please stop offering up your dc to be repeatedly snubbed. Dc can more than manage without gps.
Feeling ignored or second rate is much worse.
Put your efforts into enjoying the dc yourself!!

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 17/04/2019 13:32

This is up to your DH to deal with - don't get involved.

There's a whole tranche of reading behind the lines here .... you made the statement when you didn’t tell them you were in labour, but you did tell your Dad, that they take second place to your family - so they will now wait to be asked - eg not offering when you had breast cancer, because the assumption is there that you will default to your family for help.

Sil has always been a spoilt madam and at times does not appear able to look after her children on her own (there is no reason for this!)

Jebuschristchocolatebar · 17/04/2019 13:35

I wouldn’t bother any more. My in-laws are like this and they are they only one missing out. My kids don’t care. Just don’t make any effort

mbosnz · 17/04/2019 13:39

I feel your pain.

However, you cannot force your inlaws to engage with your children the way you wish they would.

Children can do very well without involved grandparents - especially when they have engaged, involved, and loving parents. Focus on what they have got, not what they haven't, and invest your energies in your relationship with your children.

Original poster

FlamingoQueen · 17/04/2019 13:44

Sorry, am not completely sure on how to reply with links to the comments!

I didn’t mean to be bitchy with my comments regarding sil being unable to look after her children, but in laws are basically bringing up her children. Dh did once say to them about it, but they just said that I have my dad so didn’t need them.

We do drive, yes.

My children are old enough to pick up on the fact that gps always talked about their other gc. At Christmas fil asked ds re his plans re college. Ds started saying about the course he wants to do and fil immediately started on about his neighbours son who has done the same course. He literally cut my ds off in the middle of a conversation!

I do concentrate on my family, it just makes me feel sad that inlaws are not interested. I don’t dwell on it (too much!) but just wondered if I was being unreasonable.

OP posts:

mbosnz · 17/04/2019 13:51

No, you're not unreasonable, but that's just the way they are - you're unlikely to be able to change that. So possibly a waste of time and energy trying! As for the kids picking up on it - yup, they do. Mine have a fairly wry, sardonic (some might say cynical) sense of humour about the whole business!

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 17/04/2019 13:52

@Flamingo - I thought your children were much younger, with you referencing back to births.

I now assume they are mid teens. You cannot create a relationship now, that bird has flown. It's quite sad that your DH didnt callenge this head on a decade or more ago, it might have been resoved instead of festering away.

You look to your parent to support you, your SIL looks to her parents to support her. Im not seeing the difference really. It is a true saying , ""A son is a son till he gets a wife, a daughter is a daughter all her life."" Men are habitually ridiculed on this site if they have a close relationship with their mother. SIL has a realtionship with her mother, I genuinely cannot see why this is so awful, it takes a village to bring up a child.

Anyway, SIL is completely irrelevent. You have a DH ostrich problem in that he's never challenged the situation.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 17/04/2019 13:53

with typos corrected
FFS

@Flamingo - I thought your children were much younger, with you referencing back to births.

I now assume they are mid teens. You cannot create a relationship now, that bird has flown. It's quite sad that your DH didn’t challenge this head on a decade or more ago, it might have been resolved instead of festering away.

You look to your parent to support you, your SIL looks to her parents to support her. I’m not seeing the difference really. It is a true saying , ""A son is a son till he gets a wife, a daughter is a daughter all her life."" Men are habitually ridiculed on this site if they have a close relationship with their mother. SIL has a relationship with her mother, I genuinely cannot see why this is so awful, it takes a village to bring up a child.

Anyway, SIL is completely irrelevant. You have a DH ostrich problem in that he's never challenged the situation.

Original poster

FlamingoQueen · 17/04/2019 13:58

Thank you everyone for your comments. DH does have an ostrich problem.
I love the comment it takes a village to bring up a child. I am taking that and going with it!
My kids are nearly teens and teen. I put the birth bit in because I wanted you to see that mil always makes things about her. I am not hung up on this!!
My kids are happy, lovely, fabulous people who are loved.
I cannot make anyone want to spend time with them, they have lots of friends that love them dearly so it is now up to the inlaws to get involved if they want to. They know where we live!
Thank you all
Xx

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 17/04/2019 14:05

Sorry but it’s always been this way and you need to come to terms with it - It’s THEIR loss not yours - they missed out in the best years if your kids and they will reap what they sow

mbosnz · 17/04/2019 14:05

Good on you!

DH possibly isn't an ostrich, to be fair, he may just have a very realistic perception of his family's dynamics and his ability to effect genuine change. And not want to waste his time and energy tilting at windmills. . .

makingmyway10 · 17/04/2019 14:07

I get you! My sil has two DC the same age as mine (now they are nearly grown up, A Levels and Uni age) My Pil have always favoured
Sil's children over ours. They have showered them with gifts and trips when they were younger and were so involved in their everyday lives. Sil lived further away from Pil then we do but they still saw so much more of them. Then about 10 years ago SIL got divorced and moved nearer to PIL and they became even more distant from us.

I do not mind to be honest as we have our family life not beholden to them and I find them a bit difficult to get on with. However I do feel for my Dc's as they really missed out ( I do not have any extended family). The odd occasion we do see them they talk constantly about Sil's DCs, what they are doing, their boyfriends etc. My DC learned long ago that they simply could not compete. They showed no interest in DC's GCSE/A Level results, it was all about their other DG's results. One of SIL's DC got an 8 in one of her GCSE's they would not shut up about what a genius she was, My Dc had achieved a total set of A star/9 grades! But they have never asked what they got! So we rarely see them and my DC have no interest in them. We hold polite conversation when we do see them and smile politely while they whitter on about SIL's children.

Just re-read and it sounds as I resent them, I really do not. I enjoy the freedom!

Thebatmother · 17/04/2019 14:07

Your DC sound absolutely lovely and your MIL and family have lost out big time not having them in their lives. It’s sad and you aren’t unreasonable one bit to feel as you do. But your DC have every right not to come second best to SILs family. You can’t make this into the relationship you would like it to be though and so I’d keep close to the family you do have a good relationship with them along with friends. They are the people who really matter.

makingmyway10 · 17/04/2019 14:08

Just read your last post Op, that is exactly how I feel.

flumpybear · 17/04/2019 14:11

I wouldn't bother! They'll come running when they feel left out and of not, no problem, they've made their choices!

Loopytiles · 17/04/2019 14:13

It’s much more important to protect your DC from unfair treatment than it is for the DC to see their grandparents regularly, or at all.

It’s your H’s family, and the primary relationships are between your H and his parents and sibling, so for him to decide how he wants to handle it (within reason!)

HollowTalk · 17/04/2019 14:19

Regarding the hospital, what the hell were the staff thinking, letting them in to see your baby before you'd even seen him? That's disgraceful.

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