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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say this to friend re her abusive relationship?

20 replies

FourForYouGlennCoco · 17/04/2019 11:24

My best friend since childhood is in an abusive relationship. She plays it down and acts as though she's in control but she isn't.

Some of the stuff he has done is scary. Making her undress in front of him to prove she isn't wearing 'nice underwear' for example. He's hit her before also.

The police have been called multiple times as have social services.

She recently left him (has her own home etc so in a fortunate position) and I was so glad. She never takes it seriously what he's done to her, plays it down constantly, but he's a monster.

She's just now informed me that they are back together and he knows he has to work on his issues (a line I've heard over 50 times at least).

I've basically asked why she is wasting yet more of her life on this sorry excuse for a man and she has said why can't I just be happy for her and support her, they are getting on well at the moment etc.

I'm so sick of picking up the pieces when it all goes wrong that I've blown up and said why on Earth would I be happy for her? She is continuing to put herself in a position where she is being abused and not only that, but continuing to have him in her house with her child whom social services have already been involved with twice.

She thinks it's a joke. Whenever she tells me what he's done or what vile things he's text her, she actually laughs and acts as if its funny. It isn't! He will end up seriously hurting her or worse. She was a mess the one time it was actually physical and even then she didn't act like it was a big deal.

Im so exhausted with having to go round in circles with her.

Would I BU to say that I'll always be here for her, I'll always be her friend but I don't want to know about this situation anymore. I'm sick of worrying constantly about a person who doesn't care about themselves.

OP posts:

Ellenborough · 17/04/2019 11:34

I would walk away at this point. I have no appetite for endless drama and little time for people who won’t take the advice they keep asking for. It’s too exhausting. Wish her luck and put some space between you.

NoCauseRebel · 17/04/2019 11:45

I would end the friendship. Living in an abusive relationship and finding it difficult to leave is one thing, many women struggle with that, but leaving and then going back and finding the drama and abuse funny is quite another and I’d have no time for that.

I would tell her to have a nice life and to hope that she sees the light before she loses her children and worse.

ChuckleBuckles · 17/04/2019 11:45

I agree with the previous post that you should have some distance from this, you cannot give help to someone who is not ready yet, It takes an abused person an average of seven attempts to leave before it becomes final.

You might like to try a book by Don Hennessy called "How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser" he reframes domestic abuse from "why does she not just leave" to ask what the abuser is saying or doing to keep the victim entangled in the relationship. He is very insightful and clearly written.

LoisEinhorn · 17/04/2019 11:49

My relationship wasn't as bad as your friend's but my friend said that to me. That if I wasn't going to change anything then she didn't want to hear about it. It was like a lightbulb moment for me.
I finally ended it and am now 20 years married to very lovely and kind man.
Id say go for it. Good luck

Nearlythere1 · 17/04/2019 11:49

Walk away. She'll end up getting pregnant by him, the writing is on the walls. It's sad but you can't have the worry of her and two children hanging over you.

ScreamScreamIceCream · 17/04/2019 11:53

For your own mental health keep contact with her to a minimum.

However remember that he will be trying to isolate her so even if your contact is only a few times per year you must still stay in contact her.

laurG · 17/04/2019 11:57

I basically fell out with a friend for saying something similar to a friend. She just cruised from one destructive /abusive relationship to the next. She’d move out with one guy and in with another weeks. Later. She’s then want sympathy when it all went wrong. This went in for 20 years and each time she wanted sympathy when she found herself breaking up with whoever she was with. I just couldn’t stand by and watch her sabbotage herself again and again. What I would say is tell her where you stand. I didn’t do this. I just distanced myself which was dishonest and I hurt her.

Dvg · 17/04/2019 12:09

I wouldnt get involved, people like her will stay like that and will never see the truth so i wouldnt want it affecting me. they drag everyone down with them.

NotStayingIn · 17/04/2019 12:13

God that is difficult. I agree that you need to move away from this. But aren't people in abusive relationships often slowly but surely alienated from friends and family?

So I wonder whether you can distance yourself and say why, but also say that if she is ever ready to leave him for good you will be there for her, no matter how many years have passed. Not sure how to phrase what I'm thinking!

Original poster

FourForYouGlennCoco · 17/04/2019 12:32

Thanks.

I don't really want to cut her off or walk away from our friendship. She's been a huge part of my life for a long time and we've supported each other through a lot of hard times.

Its just so frustrating when she doesn't seem to want to help herself.

She's a clever woman, she's kind and considerate and a good friend but he has just completely fooled her and it's really exasperating to watch it happen over and over again. Especially when she won't even acknowledge the situation for how serious it is.

I just don't want to know anymore!

OP posts:

Acis · 17/04/2019 12:41

Would I BU to say that I'll always be here for her, I'll always be her friend but I don't want to know about this situation anymore

Absolutely not.

It sounds as if she's using you as a bit of a safety valve/potential liferaft. Also, because she's so defensive about it, it might be that she's sticking with this man because she doesn't want to admit to you that she's made some terrible mistakes. It may be that if you're not available for discussions about all this she might just start to think the situation through properly for herself.

insecure123 · 17/04/2019 14:00

I am going to go against the grain here and say please please don't walk away and cut her off. Distance yourself a bit if you must yes and you absolutely do need to think of yourself. But she needs you! I was in an abusive relationship and pushing me away from my friends was part of the abuse. luckily I got out before I was left with no one, luckily I had someone who stood by me completely so that when I ran away from him - quite literally - I could phone them without feeling ashamed and got the help I needed. She may really really need you someday soon.

I am not saying stay completely involved especially if it is affecting your life etc. But Please do let her know you will be there for her if she needs you - aware you are saying this in your OP xx

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/04/2019 14:24

I would walk away at this point too.

Let her know that you will be there for her when the shit hits the fan again (it will), but also tell her that you're exhausted with the constant drama.

It's her decision but you can't support it. Wish her good luck and walk away.

Original poster

FourForYouGlennCoco · 17/04/2019 17:43

Thanks. It's hard because I do enjoy our friendship in every other way.

I just want to shake her and scream what the hell are you doing?!

I think she knows what's happening and her 'its all a joke' attitude is a front / defense mechanism.

It's so sad because she deserves so much better and it's not only about her now but her child as well. It's not fair on them either.

OP posts:

Thingsdogetbetter · 17/04/2019 18:14

Tell her you won't discuss it until she's done the freedom programme.

And ring SS!

Goldmandra · 17/04/2019 18:25

Keep questioning her when she laughs things off.

Make sure she knows you're there for her when she's ready to leave again.

Try to get her to do the freedom programme online.

Asta19 · 17/04/2019 18:31

It’s one of those scenarios where people just don’t leave (for good) until they’re ready. Many years ago I went back to an abusive partner 3 times before I finally left permanently. You have to remember DV is very much psychological. She is laughing things off as a coping mechanism. But you do need to think about your own mental well being so it wouldn’t be unreasonable for you to take a step back.

Greensleeves · 17/04/2019 18:45

I had to talk very tough to a dear friend of mine who was in an abusive relationship a few years ago. He had got to the point of isolating her from her friends and family and the abusive shouting/controlling rants had progressed to hard shoving, blocking doorways etc. He was quite severely mentally ill, but honestly it was his underlying woman-hating foul personality that was the danger, not his mental illness.

I went to her city to see her and try to talk to her. She basically told me she couldn't leave the flat and meet me for lunch without Asswipe, because "it would make Asswipe very unhappy". I'd been employing the softly, softly approach for months, trying not to be overly judgmental, making sure she had a safe place to come etc, but something snapped at that point.

I went home and wrote her a long letter, detailing all her beautiful and wonderful qualities and all the things about her that made her a, amazing woman and a wonderful friend. I told her that as long as she was with this man, she could never be any of those things again, she could never have any relationships other than the one with him, that he was erasing her personality and her future and turning her into an entirely different person.

She left him a couple of days later and stayed with us for a while. He didn't go easily and it was really fucking unpleasant and scary for her. I still think about how it could have gone the other way and I could have completely alienated her and lost her altogether, leaving her stuck with him and nobody to turn to.

I think you should be straight with your friend and do everything in your power to get her to see sense...but there's always the risk it will backfire, I guess

rosamacrose · 17/04/2019 18:47

I minimised what was happening to me, never shared but it must have been obvious.
Just one friend stuck by me and when I was ready to leave, came to rescue me.
It took ten years to get to that stage and I really had no one by that time.
It was really frightening and she was so brave!
Absolutely not saying you should do the same.
It did save me though.

HelloMonday · 17/04/2019 18:59

I dont think she genuinely finds it funny. She minimising it so that she can continue the relationship.
Why is she wanting it to continue I dont know - I wish i could answer this for myself. (Seperated from DV husband after 13 years, it's been 6 months apart. I'm struggling a bit to keep up with life and my kids & some days think it'd be easier to take him back.)

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