AIBU? Dear Sis secretly reading DD’s texts.

[Hopeygoflightly]

DearSis is a single mum, with just turned 14 year old DD. My DN has come out and has been ‘dating’ various girlfriends, in that sweet, hand holding but not much else going on way that young teens do. BUT it seems she now has a more serious, quite smitten with girlfriend that she’s really keen on. DSis told me all that was going on, and I commented how nice it was that they have such an open mother/ daughter relationship. DSis announced - oh she hasn’t told me anything about this new girl, I read all her texts etc. though the family acct settings without DD knowing! Haha!
AIBU to think this is off?? I said to DSis that it was one thing DN knowing that her mum could check her phone, and her message apps or even read all her texts on the iPad ( though I personally think that one is too instrusive) but another doing it in secret and that if DN found out - which i’m Sure she will as DSis is too ‘knowing’ about stuff - she’d be really upset. And it could damage their relationship. They have a close but fraught at times relationship, and the usual teen stuff going on but nothing about bullying or safety that would justify DSis snooping like that.
Am genuinely worried that this could harm their relationship as I adore them both. AIBU? Is this a normal for parents of teens to do? My DCs are still toddlers so I don’t know the reality of having a teen at home.

Your SIL needs to start having open discussions with her daughter otherwise she will find, when her daughter realises her mum is reading her texts, that the girl will hide things from her.

I had a mother who snoped on me so I refused to tell her anything. Funny thing was the adults in my family who didn't bother were told every little thing even if they weren't interested.

I have two boys 19 and 14. I would never dream of reading their texts. They are private for them. To be honest I’ve never really checked their phones, because I do it random and say ‘hand over your phone let me check’ and they’ve both handed it over no problem, and a quick scroll through safari tells me what I want to know. But I wouldn't look at their text, messenger, WhatsApp etc. Obviously this no longer applies to adult son lol. However kids are cleaver with tech, they know how to hide, how to delete and re-install apps etc when they need too. So it needs a real tech savvy parent to spot the in discrepancies!

Not appropriate.

Sis needs to tell DN she will occasionally check texts and do so openly, if she wants to check texts.

At that age I was loosening the reigns and not checking unless I thought there was a problem or they wanted my help to navigate something that was causing them concern.

Not acceptable, a 14 year old would be at the age of talking about things they don’t want their mum to read/know. I can understand it from a safety perspective but there’s no need for that in this case. It will break their trust if she ever found out and her daughter will wonder why her mum doesn’t ask her questions or knows answers to questions she hadn’t asked yet. I’d be encouraging her to turn the settings off.

We told DS when he got a phone that as his parents we reserved the right to check his phone. He’s now 14 and I still look occasionally. He was bullied badly at primary school and it continues into secondary, even though he went to a different school. I was concerned about on line issues. So I don’t see an issue with checking. BUT we were up front from the beginning. Doing it sneakily is not OK.