I need kick up the arse please MN.
Until recently I've had a fantastic relationship with my step kids and really enjoyed their time at ours.
Now I dread it so much and I feel like a fucking terrible person.
Me and DH have had fertility problems including multiple miscarriages in the past few years, the last being quite far gone. It has changed me so much, I am absolutely broken by it.
It's nothing to do with the children themselves of course, they are lovely. I try so hard not to let it show but it absolutely kills me being around them when my babies keep dying inside me.
I need to get a grip of this. It isn't their fault of course and they deserve to have someone who can put on a smile and put them first. Often I say I'm not feeling well or make 'plans' to go out when they come round so that I can just be alone and cry.
When it's just me and DH I don't feel so alone and I feel more in control of my feelings but when the kids are here it just highlights how different our situations are and I react in a way that isn't me. I feel incredibly bitter, jealous and angry, which is horrible to admit, but I do!
I don't know what to do or how to separate my situation from him having his children. I wouldn't say it's starting to cause resentment towards the children, because they are great, but I can definitely feel it starting to cause resentment that he has what I don't (which makes me sound like a child throwing a strop).