To think I'm weird?

[Forgottochangename]

I grew up in a hostile environment. My parents were very violent towards each other. I was the eldest and protected my siblings as much as possible. I also protected my mother from the age of 8 and jumped on my father on a few occasions when he was strangling/hitting her.

There were times my father would tell me my mother was committing suicide and that I needed to stop her because she wouldn't listen to him. Of course at the time I was hysterical. But I was and always have been a sounding board for my parents.

My siblings don't remember much, there's a 6 year gap between me and the middle child and so it's mainly me who remembers as they split in my mid teens.

25 years later and I'm okay. There is more I could tell you but I don't want to go on forever.

Sometimes I read posts talking about childhood and I wonder why I'm not/wasn't more effected. I'm close with both my parents, I'm in a healthy relationship (although there has been a few toxic ones previously). I have no resentment towards my parents. Sometimes I feel like I'm just really strange for taking everything with a pinch of salt and carrying on like normal.

Then again, my role still hasn't changed much. I'm still more like the parent most days. So maybe it's not that I'm not effected and just that I'm blind to the effect it has had?

So I suppose AIBU to think that I'm a bit weird for not feeling anything about my past?

I think the very fact that you don't feel anything about it shows that you were affected, tbh. I'm no psychologist, so everything I'm saying might be bollocks, but it sounds like you have blocked out your emotions about that time as a coping mechanism.

The main thing is though, that you are doing ok. That is golden.

Everyone deals with stuff differently. I grew up in a violent household too. My mother and stepdad used to have big fights and my mother usually came off worse. I often had to try and break it up when it got very violent.

They both used to physically and emotionally abuse me too, but not my younger sibling.

Like you, I've managed to have a fairly successful adult life. Not ever been in a romantic relationship with a violent person, I've a good job, my own house and I feel like I'm a good person. I'm happy with me.

But that's where the similarity ends with you and I. I did slip into depression in my teens, my childhood had eaten away at my esteem and worth. It took a number of years of counselling and anti-depressants to get to where I am now.

I also am NC with my mum and of course my ex-stepdad.

I can't comment on why you have dealt with your hand the way you have, but congratulate yourself for getting though a childhood steered by two manipulative adults. Kudos to you for still being involved with them too.

You can either accept that you're okay and life is alright for you and carry on as you are. Or if you're concerned it's bottled up and might bubble up to the surface at some point, then I'd recommend seeing a counsellor to discuss those feelings.

Only you knows you OP. Good luck.

I agree with the PP. it's probably your minds way of coping to block out any feelings. This is why I think counselling is sometimes bad, as it brings those feelings back to the surface. But that's just my experience of counselling- sometimes it can be hugely beneficial.

If you are happy as you are, carry on.

Well you’ve been conditioned to put everyone else’s feelings before your own.
Do you have children of your own yet?
Often it takes for you to have a child the same age as you were when the abuse occurred for the enormity of it to really hit you.
But good that you’re doing ok when you’ve been through such an awful time

Cross posted! I agree with the 1st post after yours op

Forgottochangename

I think people are really good at surviving. We do what we need to do.

I know that the enormity of the shit that went down in my childhood only properly hit me when i had kids.

I remember looking at my tiny baby and thinking “WTF”

Sometimes I don’t think you realise how things are affecting you subconsciously. But if things are going well for you and you feel happy then I wouldn’t over analyse it. I am also a very resilient person. It is a strength but at the same time, there are things I should not put up with which I do because I get over things so quickly. I am forgiving but that also makes me weak in some ways. I would say my upbringing was difficult in other ways to yours, and I know it has affected me, but like you, I lead a happy life and have achieved a lot. I also think chemically, I am very fortunate to find natural happiness in small things, my default setting is optimism. This is probably a very lucky genetic/personality thing which you might have too. I know some things that have happened to me (which I don’t want to go into now) would definitely mess up someone else’s life or cause depression and anxiety etc. Again, I wouldn’t over analyse, just be grateful you have your mental health in tact and that you are leading a happy life now.

I do have a child. She's now 9. I know I never wanted her to witness anything like I witnessed and after I split with her father, I was single for 8 years and couldn't even consider a relationship for a long time. I never dated and always avoided men.

I suppose I have been conditioned to put other's first. I've always struggled saying no and giving firm boundaries. I have got myself into a lot of stressful situations that could have been avoided had I just got my shit together and said no.

It's something I've been working on though and I'm aware I'm a terrible people pleaser, much to my own detriment.

I'm sorry to hear of those of you who have been through similar/worse and I suppose we all find ways to cope and deal with things.

I had a similar experience (sexual abuse too) and felt quite numb to it all for years.

In my mid 30s - right when things were going well - it caught up with me. I sought help and didn't realise I had cPTSD and anxiety from the trauma.

I'm not saying it's the same for you, you might be simply incredibly resillient, but your past does entitle you to lots of help (CBT has been life changing for me) if send when you may need it.

I do have a child. She's now 9. I know I never wanted her to witness anything like I witnessed and after I split with her father, I was single for 8 years and couldn't even consider a relationship for a long time. I never dated and always avoided men

I can relate to this.

I don’t think you’re weird, OP. It sounds like you’re pretty aware of how your past has affected you. Don’t give yourself a hard time for being “ok”

Equally, if ever you feel not ok, that’s fine too...

I think that some people are just more resilient than others. I'm one of five, well four that count for this as my youngest sister is mich younger and had a very different up bringing.

Anyway, my mum was quite mentally ill when I was a child. It started with postnatal depression after I was born (second eldest) and she never really got any help for it, so it just got worse and worse over time. She used to be really physically and emotionally abusive towards us. Think picking me up by my hair and throwing me across the room, being backed into a corner whilst being slapped repeatedly around the face, being chased with knives etc. Also an almost constant stream of emotional abuse, including being screamed at that it will be my fault if the baby she was carrying dies, when I accidentally tapped her in the stomach when she was pregnant, I was about 6.

So as you can see, not really a 'normal' childhood, and I probably had it the worst of all my siblings.

I however am not really affected, I do at times get a little resentful, when my mother goes on about what a good mother she's been , she's genuinely blocked a lot of the bad stuff out, as she was so mentally ill at the time.

Two of my younger sisters are much more affected, one has had counciling to help her deal with our abusive childhood (she wasn't beaten anywhere near as much as I was), and the other blames it on her lack of motivation in real life. Where as I'm ok. I really am, and so is my older brother. I think we are just better at looking at things objectively. If anything my determination to never be like my mother has made me a better parent.

Sorry that should be for her lack of motivation in adult life.