To still be upset about my fathers infidelity?

[finallyy]

First ever post and first time ever openly talking about this. Not sure what section to put this under, but 'AIBU?' Seems like where everyone else is? Also, sorry it's a long post!!!

So, 5 years ago when I was 15/16 my dad cheated on my mum for 21 months before she found out via the other woman contacting her on text. For those 21 months, the signs were so clear, the whole family pretty much knew what was going on and I remember there being so many arguments and having to deal and comfort my mum when she cried (I'm the eldest of 5, all my siblings are considerably younger than me). Just thinking about those months makes my heart beat faster, I just remember being so on edge and stressed, I Saw what he was doing (hiding his phone, once looked at his phone and saw a message come through from the other woman etc) and my mum would interrogate me on everything I saw. My dad would stay in a hotel a lot of those nights, and the woman would message my mum on my dads phone saying 'I want a divorce' and then I would have to try and console my mum, this happened 4/5 times. Not only was I having to go through this, I was also doing my GCSE's.

When my mum officially found out, she told me everything, including details I shouldn't of known about. I again had to be the support for my mum as she didn't tell anyone other than me. It was extremely nasty and it was the lowest point of my life, I cried so much in private, my life felt like a lie. It felt like I didn't even know my dad anymore.

God knows how, my parents somehow stayed together, and those months after my mum found out, there were physical fights between them. Me and my younger brother were the ones who would have to stop them, I remember being accidentally hit by a child's toy that was being thrown around and having to clear up the mess they would make just to try and resolve it. To this day my parents are still together and they seem to be happy, but for some weird reason since the whole ordeal, I will almost on the daily think about what happened. The weirdest things will remind me of it, and I get intrusive thoughts regularly about it all, and it takes ages for me to think about something else. It gets especially bad around the anniversary of when we found out (I weirdly know the date). I'm getting so angry at myself that I still think about it, and I can't stop myself. I don't even know what's wrong with me?! I've never spoken about it other than with my mum and when she does, I panic and will shut her down. No one else knows about what happened other than my siblings and parents. I don't cry over it anymore which is good, but it does make me sweat and panic when I do! Will this ever go away? Or is it here to stay? What should I do to stop this?
Reason why I'm doing this post is because I kept thinking about it today.

Again, sorry it's so long!

I'm sorry you had to go through that, that sounds so tough being the person your parents confided in and emotionally relied on at such a young age. Have you considered going to counselling? Or otherwise CBT? The latter is useful for intrusive thoughts I think, but don't take my word for it - go to the GP, tell them everything you've just written down and ask them for help. You shouldn't and don't have to live the rest of your life feeing like this! Good luck

Oh OP. Hugs to you

It sounds so difficult. I’m in no position to help as I’m still processing my own feelings from complex family background. But I can relate to being the confident and that’s a very tough thing for a teenage girl.. let alone being stuck between two parents.

You probably still have a lot of unresolved anger.. it’s probably tainted the image you had of your father wayyy faster than you could cope with.. as kids we like to see our parents as heroes and gradually this image wears off into them being humans with mistakes but with you it happened at a rather traumatising speed.

I wish you the best but I recommend CBT. I’m currently taking to that advice too. Helps you process your feelings

It was extremely wrong of your mother to make you her sounding board and confidante and put you in the middle like that. As a result, she forced you to be the parent in the parent-child relationship. As for your father’s affair, Google is filled with articles on some variation of “I can’t forgive my father for his affair,” so you are definitely not alone. And as for the stress of seeing your parents physically fight, I’m so sorry for you now and for 16-year-old you then who shouldn’t have had to witness it. That kind of stress often doesn’t just go away.

The issue you’re dealing with now is that, as you’ve said, you’ve “stopped crying,” but the stress has sort of burrowed deeper, where now it comes out as other reactions, like thinking about the situation every day, or sweating and panicking. There is NOTHING wrong with you, but these reactions sound a bit like PTSD (this is not a diagnosis; you would need to be formally assessed). This is completely normal when someone undergoes a huge amount of stress and had no way to deal with it. I would recommend counseling or therapy, but even if you sign up now, I know the NHS waitlist can be very long (as a pp said, go to your GP, and from there, hopefully CBT could be helpful). If you can afford to go private, that would be advisable. I still recommend accessing counseling somehow if you can, even if it means the NHS wait, and perhaps take a look at this book (which I found helpful), that talks about the ways our brains hold onto stress, like yours is, and the numerous methods that might help dealing with it: www.amazon.co.uk/Body-Keeps-Score-Transformation-Trauma/dp/0141978619/?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Hi finallyy, I'm so sorry for what you've been /going through. A lot of what you've said in your post could describe mine and my older sisters life; we're now 34 and 36. I was going through my gcses when my parents started their crazy behaviour. They were going through really rough times but it all came to a head when my sister moved out and I was left to deal with them on my own. I feel like my life has been affected but not half as much as my sister's life has. My best advice would be to seek some counceling, don't let this continue to affect you as it has my sister and, to a lesser extent, me. My sister has had an extremely troubled adulthood, most likely caused by the turbulent teen years we went through; it might have been stopped if she'd had the right help at the time.

I relate a lot too. My Dad's affair went on for two decades though - pretty much my whole life until it came to light. My mum leaned on me a lot and also told me things I shouldn't have known. Also told me just before my finals so I get the extra exam stress thing.

I recommend finding a good therapist. Not CBT but someone you can really talk to about your feelings. You will come through it. It does take time to process and is completely normal to take as long as it takes even when everyone else seems to have moved on.

Emdr worked wonders for my childhood trauma....i cannot recommend it highly enough. I even managed to forgive my abusive ex...or feel indifference which is huge.
Sounds awful op. Emdr...the best thing ever !

I wish society would take infidelity more seriously. It is so damaging.

You are traumatised and have PTSD. You were put in a situation and required to care for and manage a frightening situation when you were still a child.

Trama counselling/tapping/EMDR is what you need to come to terms with it. It hurts so much OP, it never quite goes away, but it does stop being so painful.

Do any of your parents drink? Adult Children of Alcoholics (12 steps programme) is pretty much free group therapy

Hi op
You poor thing you have carried this weight with you a long time. Your mum saw you as her friend someone to confide in and by doing that she opened you up to a world that you didn't need to see.
There is no easy fix you have anxiety over this and I'm wondering if you look at your parents and think you put me through all of that and now you act like nothing was wrong.
I'm wondering if you should see a councillor get those thoughts out there.
And maybe see a doctor to help.
Good luck xx

What you experienced was huge, the total destruction of both your parental relationships, at an age when you needed parents, and had to be one in stead. You must not feel bad for not getting over it.