To ask should I have a third?

[Lowena]

I have lovely 2 dc, a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Close to 40, I have difficult pregnancies, have had 2 fairly complicated births and am not at all keen on the baby phase and my youngest was a very, very difficult baby. Also my husband works away a lot so I often have to manage alone (although have good family support).

I really feel like I want a third even though rationally I don't know why. When i look at the 2 of them I just see a third child that is missing.

Is this just hormones and the good old biological clock?! I just can't get the idea out of my head.

My husband isn't at all keen, but I know he would go with it if I was sure it was what I wanted. He is an amazing husband and Dad and he loves children.

On the other hand I have just got a job I love and we are occasionally able to go out as a couple and individually. With 3 kids that would be off the cards for a long time. Plus we would need a new car and it would put limitations on the kind of holidays we could afford.

I suppose I am just wondering if these feelings will go away or if I will massively regret not trying for a third.

hormones, it will pass, you will be able to book hotels / drive a normal car etc.

I have 3, i love them obv but at just turning peri I thought I ought to have a fourth.I'd have been out of my mind to have done so. Most people at your stage get a dog.

looks resentfully at dog

It sounds like there are lots of reasons not to have a third.

I have 3, absolutely love it. Everyone said a third would complete the family....I now want a fourth. But I'm younger than you, with low risk pregnancies and easy deliveries. For us it will be finances that prevent us, which makes me sad but my littlest is only 8 months so not completely ruling it out!

I have 3. I love them to bits, all of them, but if I’d known 3 years ago what I know now I would have stopped at 2.

Personally I wouldn’t, you sound like you have a great family and life generally, why risk upsetting the balance? However I’m probably not the best person to ask as have never had the tiniest yearning for a third so I can’t really understand why anyone does it...!

Thanks Rebecca, that's what I am thinking too. Damn hormones.

Although we have a cat who may pack her bags if we get a dog

I have 3. And a dog. It would be easier with two ..... and I would definitely feel life was more in control and have a tidier house. But I wouldn’t have it any other way now!!

Mine are 3 and 1. I’m 34 and have absolutely no intention of having a third. We always wanted 2 so we’re both on the same page and I feel my family is complete. I do sometimes wonder what if though!

A lot of my friends with same age kids are on the fence about a third. Mostly for the reasons you said. For me personally I couldn’t go through the baby and toddler stage again, the lack of sleep, another pregnancy, c section recovery or another miscarriage. But also I feel grateful for my 2 healthy children and don’t want to tempt fate by having a third. I feel I should focus on them, and also that I’m starting to get a bit of my own life back already and I just can’t go back to a newborn glued to me

It sounds like your hormones are having a last hurrah. I know how insistent that feeling is, but it will go away. I had it at around 40, but I already had three DC. I got a puppy instead

It's a difficult decision, but if you read your post back there are more negatives there than positives about having a third. Good luck with your decision.

This is all very helpful thank you. I guess I need to listen to my head over my heart on this one

Yes, the health worries/tempting fate are my husband's biggest reason for not wanting to have another Caterina....that and the fact our 3 year old still doesn't sleep through the night!

I’m in the same boat but I’m a single mum now and my children are older I think about it every day. I’d say not to go for it in this case, all your reasons are against it so logically it might not work out how you expect. If it’s hormones it will pass but in a couple of years when your youngest is older you might decide to go for it if the feeling is still there.

I wanted a third but now I have a teenager I am so pleased we didnt go again. They get harder and more expensive as they get older and a lot of people dont consider that when they see cute little babies. The hormones will pass and you will be content with your lovely little family

I think you have enough on your plate, and your husband is against it. As for something being "missing", it's not. You are incredibly fortunate to have 2 lovely children, a wonderful husband and a great job. Isn't that enough?

I'm one of three. With quite big gaps do not your situation.

My youngest sib really altered life for the whole family - holidays/cars/housing/educational opportunities were limited after she arrived. I was old enough to notice this.

Once my parents had more cash (I graduated & DSib2 got part time employment while still at school so mostly covered their own "pocket money") she got loads of opportunities paid for that we didn't.

As adults we get on well but I do feel a bit resentful of the differences in teenage years we experienced - me loads of hand me downs/charity shop stuff, and her - new stuff with the odd "label" thrown in.

Three are expensive. Not as babies but when they get older.

Holidays in particular are really difficult because need two hotel rooms, no where lets you book one room, larger car etc.

Activities become more expensive when three are doing it eg music lessons are £150 a term.

It just all starts to add up eg going out for meals two children doubles the cost from being a couple and then child three adds another half again.

And generally people are less willing to babysit for three so have to pay for a babysitter if you want to go out .

So can you really honestly afford it . If so go for it because three is amazing

I was the same until my youngest turned one. From she was born I wanted another. But what changed my mind was thinking what we could give our 2 dc that would change if we had to share the same finances among 3.
Own bedrooms, holidays, cars, cost of teenagers, university.

I was concerned about the higher risk of chromosomal issues. Could I turn my 2 dc into carers?

Starting to get a bit of freedom from breastfeeding. 3 yo is getting more independent. 1 yo is walking.

While I frequently wonder what if, I'm more excited about what is to come with my 2 dc.

Have three and bloody love it, so it's a go for it from me. Late 30s here and smallish age gaps. Barely any more tiring than two in my experience and have managed to keep working pt - childcare v expensive but that'll only be for a few short years.

For me the feeling passed and now, with teens, I'm so glad it did. I was very naive and had no idea how much time and money we'd need during the teenage years.

I'm nearly 40, felt the same. Then the next day my 2 drive me mental and I think ..what the hell was I thinking.
So yes, got a puppy, 2 puppies. They drive me mental too. Lol
But ....they are loyal and cuddly and obedient. Which my kids are not.
Sometimes I wish I'd just got the dogs and not had the kids ( lots of tough times with them at the mo) hopefully this will pass.
..in case anyone gets offended.....I love my kids dearly..but they are strong willed and bloody minded...

Stick at 2. I have 3 and I love them very much but 3 really changes the dynamics and sometimes I do ponder how much easier life would have been with just 2. Maybe because I had 3 all the same sex but i do feel like the 3rd has to work hard to get into the clique with the older 2. Holidays and days out are harder too money wise.

However even if someone had said this to me I would have still had the burning desire to have 3. I don't have it at all now so for me that's how I know our family is complete. Also my 3rd is the biggest mummy's child which I love.

What ever you decide good luck x