To force DH to take some time off work?

[fanciedabitofachange]

Well, I say force, but I guess what I mean is issue some kind of ultimatum in which I make it very clear that the correct choice would be 'take time off'

DH is self employed and in a creative field. He's had a very successful year, professionally, and has achieved a couple of big ambitions. He is in demand for work and it's looking like the next 12 months at least will be comfortable.

But he will not stop working. At all. Not in the evenings. Not at weekends. Never.

A few weeks ago my DSis got married. I was bridesmaid. He worked on the train all the way there, leaving me to juggle autistic 4yo DC and baby DC. The next morning was the wedding, I was obviously busy getting ready etc. DH was absolutely furious that he wouldn't be able to get his work done that morning. On the train home he worked all the way again.

He will not say no to any work offers that come his way. He could. But he won't. And he has no time management skills whatsoever.

I am exhausted. Because when he works all the time I work all the time two, doing absolutely everything for our 2 DC and keeping our home running. It's making me ill. It's making him ill.

AIBU to tell him he just HAS to stop working for a week? He just has to. I can't go on like this.

oh, realised it's not if you earn above 100k.

Maybe get a nanny or help? money isn't clearly an issue for you?

Just to say that I have one of these husbands @fanciedabitofachange, also in a creative field, and goes through weeks or months on end where he's utterly unable to think or talk about anything else other than whatever he is working on. There is no point me asking him to do anything else when he is like that as he will literally forget in the 60 yards between our front door and the shop what it is I asked him to get. Even if I make a shopping list on his phone he will forget it is there. I wish I could tell you there is an easy solution but there isn't. He will happily take the bins out and wash up if I catch him on his way to or from the loo but that is about it. Trying to make him get a haircut is quite the challenge.

These days I resist the urge to scream at him and instead take advantage of the (slightly) less busy times to remind him of his basic responsibilities. And I enforce (more or less successfully but it's taken ten years to get there) no work on holidays. At weddings, family do's etc. I just have to accept that he will not do other people's small talk and will only engage in conversation with people who are happy to discuss whatever he is working on - thankfully my lovely family think he's a charming eccentric rather than a rude b*stard.

Luckily I am quite interested in his field of work so that helps but a lot of the time I am just making "oo fascinating!" noises when he talks while I decide what to have for tea. You have my complete sympathy - it can be exhausting. And the key difference from your situation is that we don't have kids. I think I would be a lot less tolerant of his obsessions if we did.

I do feel a bit sorry for my dh sometimes because although he is truly brilliant at what he does (as per reviewers and others in his field, not just his biased wife) I can see how difficult it is to be stuck inside his head - makes me really grateful not to be especially talented at anything. But to you and I hope that your dh gets a quieter work spell soon and you can have time to talk.

The issue isn't getting more help - the issue is that the DH has made the decision to bring not one but two children into the world and is not putting any time or effort into the practical or emotional labour that children (and life more generally) create.

Even if some of the burden is taken off OP, it's still really unequal. She will still be shouldering exponentially more shit work that he is. She's being treated as a second-class citizen in her own home, effectively.

Has he always been like this OP?

Oh this is a rubbish way to live and I speak from experience. No six figure salary was worth the ultimate detrimental impact on my quality of life, self esteem and happiness.

It was honestly ten times easier after we divorced. I work now and love having a purpose and identity outside the home again. It was good to be at home for the dcs but it's really about having a meaningful choice I think.

OP do you think taking time off work would damage his future earnings? Or do you think he’s now sufficiently well established that he could down tools sometimes without it affecting his business? What does he say about this?

If you are confident he could take more time off without suffering financially, then it’s a case of convincing him that work is not the be all and end all, and that having decent time with his family is actually just as important to “success” as a strong business. Point out that him working so hard is actually making his family unhappy, so that has to be offset against any extra money he earns. And point out divorce is very expensive

However, he may believe that he cannot take time off without damaging his business for the future. If that’s the case then it’s a much harder equation.

My DH is self emkued and what you've explained is the normal life for that set up.

They have to work around the clock as if they don't do it it won't get done. As for turning down work, whne self employed you are NEVER in a position to turn down work as you never know if/when it'll all go wrong.

Seeing as your DH is doing well, why not employee a nanny a couple days week to help you.

It's bad for him as well as being bad for you and the family. He can't carry on working at that level forever. He will burn out.

For everyone's sake, he needs to start taking breaks from work and engaging in family life and OP, I think you need to help him realise that. I would think about which are the most pressured times in your week and which are the ones that would make most difference. E.g. 5-7pm every day, plus Saturday and Sunday mornings. Or whatever works for you.

It's great that he's doing so well. It won't do any harm for him to take a few hours off every week.

As an alternative to the “get a nanny” idea - is he doing well enough to employ someone to assist him? to do some of the more routine/admin tasks? Or outsource these tasks to another firm?

We considered outsourcing tasks, got a cleaner and childminder but ultimately that doesn't resolve the issue that you aren't spending quality time together and he's resentful when made to. That's the key thing.

He’s self employed. It’s never going to be easy for you if work is constant for him. He will never change either unless he becomes an employee. Different ball game.

Get used to the dynamic or leave. Things will not change. Get used to being a single parent with the financial support of a good earner or .... well you know what your options are

My DH is self emkued and what you've explained is the normal life for that set up.

They have to work around the clock as if they don't do it it won't get done Not always. Once you start saying no, compromising and not just accepting the client demands you find that you can get a really good work / life balance.

But if you refuse to consider it, aren't good at time management and just rush at it like a bul in the prverbial, then yes, you might expect that working rond the clock is the norm!

I'd say use all the money he's earning to get in a cleaner and a nanny, take some time to yourself to recharge and relax. Then after that decide if you want him to take time off. Because it sounds to me like you want him to take time off so you can get some help with the kids. That won't really be time off for him though. .. so get a nanny and take some time off yourself and decide after for things going forward.

My ex was self employed and the trouble was is was either all or nothing. If he was earning as much as your DH sounds like he is I would definitely get childcare help. Hopefully won’t be for ever.

Yes you would qualify for some free childcare. Every 3 year old does. Can you also afford to put the baby in childcare for those hours too. Give yourself a break?

Everyone gets 15 free hours though so you could use those. And if he’s earning well over £100k a year you can afford to pay for more childcare if you want it.

@yorkshirepud44 is exactly right and @grimupnorthLondon that sounds exactly like my DH!

I worked a steady and well paid job while he was working his way up the ladder. I was the breadwinner, and did all the life admin. It's not like I sponge off him!

Financially, as a wealthy self employed friend said to me "I earn £40 per hour it is daft for me to clean, launder, do the garden, etc. myself when I can be earning, pay someone else and still be in credit." When she put it that way it did make sense. So perhaps OH looks at jobs that way. Farm out the grim stuff OP tis how the economy wheels turn is it not.

Me too @fancied. I have always been main breadwinner and life planner and I think that's how I can live with him. I knew what I was signing up for as he's always been like this. Plus he is always telling me how much he loves me which helps. But it took a few years of counselling and advice on "radical acceptance" to realise that this dynamic can work for us.

Has he just become successful? I think in the creative field if you've worked for so long to get success, when it comes and everyone wants a piece of you, it's very hard to say no. You're also very aware it might not last forever (given it often took so long to get there in the first place)
What the answer is depends a bit on what work he does - a sculpture usually needs a studio to work, a writer usually doesn't, a film producer has to go on location, a musician on tour, special effects guy often doesn't. So if the physical location of the work makes a difference maybe you can use that to set boundaries.
Does he have mentors/friends in the field who are more established and have a better balance? Someone who could help him work out a plan for longevity of his career and family life?
In the short term yes get practical help to ease the stress, but longer term you need to talk about what you both think your family life looks like - realistically he's not just going to stop or wake up and acknowledge he's got it wrong. So if his answer is it looks like this for the foreseeable future (to fulfil his ambitions or to establish his career, whatever) and he can't agree acceptable boundaries/balance - well then you need to decide if that's what you accept or not. Creative people don't get a free pass on selfishness but the nature of their passion/work means often they are selfish. Not everyone has to accept that in the partner but you're probably not going to change it.

Given you have an autistic child, have you considered he's in the spectrum & hyper-focussing to his detriment?

I know people like this, as in creative, driven & self-employed, rude/eccentric, it's hard in their families.

*On, fat fingers!

it's not like I sponge off him no - he sponges off you. Getting a home, food, clean clothes, admin, happy and cared for children - all without gratitude or basic respect.

Why the actual fuck do so many posters think the only contribution of value is paid employment? Why does anyone bother having a home and a family if it's all of such little value?

What is “radical acceptance”? I’m intrigued by that term.

Radical acceptance was a term my counsellor used - after we worked through my feelings and how strongly I wanted to stay with him (I do love the awkward git) we discussed which of his behaviours I needed him to work with me on (eg. Him respecting my right to sleep and not waking me up in the middle of the night to ask my opinion on something he was thinking about) and the behaviours that other people might find unacceptable but which I was prepared to accept from him (eg. Not trying to make him do small talk and appear 'normal' in social gatherings). I think it was accepting that the relationship wouldn't be "ideal" in all ways but that I could set certain boundaries where change was needed and just accept the other stuff. It can be a bit difficult to explain as it can sound as though I'm just agreeing to be a doormat but it's really not like that. It was finding a new way of thinking about it - working out what is acceptable to me rather than worrying about what other people would think is weird or abnormal.

I'm not at all trying to say that OP should just accept her DH's behaviour by the way. Sometimes the right thing is to leave. My instincts were strongly that I wanted to stay (DH is very loving and respectful of me so it really is the obsessive working habits rather than underlying issues for us) so we had to work out a mindset and way of being that made it workable for both of us. After my initial work with the counsellor where I could discuss him freely with her, DH also came along to sessions so we could get a joint plan in place and set boundaries.