AIBU to not isit my dad in hospital

[Extinguisherred]

Background: my parents split when I was 3, DDad got with DStepM when I was 7. They've recently split. DDad not taking it well. Very lonely . Extremely needy. Extremely.

Since the split I've done my best to visit him every other day. For moral support. Despite being very tired with a breast feeding Ds

Unfortunately a routine operation 12 days ago has turned into disaster where hes had major post operation complications.

He doesn't get on with his family (or many people for that matter). He hasn't, my sister, his friends, and his elderly mum.i have a 5yo DD amd 6mo DS.

Iv been up the hospital every day for the last 11 days. Always with DS, sometimes with DD if I can't get her looked after.

I prewarned dad yesterday that weren't coming up today, and now he is medically recovering fairly well (albeit he is depressed), , I have said I'll now come every other day.

So today I planned to spend the day with DD who has been passed around all week on her half term

During today, every single one of us has come down with something... temperature, feverish, shivery, taking DS yo doctor as he is wheezy

Told dad i may not make it tomorrow now due to this.

My Dad's is going mental down the phone to me , manipulative about money hes lent me in the past, telling me he is "done with me" , I'm a waste of space.

Please tell me I'm not.

He's so manipulative and needy, he makes me feel like I should be dragging my DS (and myself) up to see him as 'he has no one"

You’ve done more than enough , just let him stew and don’t visit until you are all healthy again , or don’t bother at all . He sounds extremely ungrateful .

He sounds desperate, lonely and manipulative. You need to look after you and your kids first, just be clear what you can do and stick to it without guilt.

You are all poorly. End of. It's shit being in hospital but it's better to get better. He's being childish, no doubt due to spending time brooding on how it has come to this and what responsibility he has for that. And kidding himself because he feels shit.
How old is he?

Definitely yanbu - he sounds incredibly selfish and shortsighted with respect to other people's problems.
It's little wonder that he doesn't have anyone else willing to go and see him!

Also you are probably infectious so you shouldn't be visiting hospitals anyway!

He's 64

hes been a desperate needy nightmare since DStepM left

It feels like he's trying to replace her space with me , even before we got all ill he was calling me last night about today (my "day off") saying he needs me and try and "sneak up here if you can" but it's all done in this manipulative undertone

YANBU, how awful of him to say these things. You've been a Saint.

No wonder he doesn't have many people around him if that's the way he behaves.

The hospital really won’t want you there. If you need a reason you can phone up the ward staff, say you are all sick and ask should you stay away, then you can tell him you were advised not too.

Sounds like you need to keep your distance otherwise you’ll soon be at his house daily doing his washing,cooking and fetching him his slippers.

You can't go to hospital when you or the children are ill. He is being an absolute arse to you.

Honestly, OP, I would call his bluff. If he wants to be done with you over this, that's fine. Otherwise, you'll continue to visit when it's safe and convenient for you to do so. And then hang up.

This sounds every stressful. Dragging yourself to the hospital 11 days in a row with a small baby and a 5 year old on school holidays - you deserve a medal not a mouthful. Given his outburst, I would say he is on the mend and its clear why visitors are thin on thr ground if that's his attitude.

I would send him a text along the lines of 'I hope you are feeling better this evening. As I said earlier, I will not be able to visit tomorrow as the whole family have come down with a bug. I will be in touch when we are able to visit.'

I know its hard but you really need to set some boundaries for when he gets out of hospital. You have a young family into look after and they come first. Stop borrowing money from him, and dont give him any reasons to bully or manipulate you. His attitude and choices have awarded him the life he now has. Visit when you want to or when you have the time - he may be needy but your young child and baby need you.

Don't go near the hospital - whatever about the way he feels, the hospitals staff and other patients won't want your germs brought in so that is your very valid excuse.
Be very careful being overly involved in his care. If there have been complications he may need more care when discharged and if you are visiting and speaking to staff they may assume you are going to take on any care. He sounds like hard work. Take a step back. He doesn't treat you well going by what you have said. Do not agree to taking him home or you will be left minding him as well as your kids.

Surely it's better that you stay away from him if you're ill and he's recovering from an operation?

You've done nothing wrong, he just sounds like a nasty manipulative arsehole. Put yourself and your DD first

Do not feel guilty or obliged to go up there when you are all under the weather. If he wanted a loving daughter he could try being a loving father.
Plus who knows what infections/germs you could take in with you to a place where there are sickly people?
First of all, get the family better again, and only then, think about your continued visits to him.

I’d definitely call his bluff. He’s done with you, don’t contact him again.

Jeez. You say he doesn’t speak to many family members? Is that surprising with the way he’s spoke to you? He’s obviously been the same with others. He is very lucky to have you!

Must be so hard for you. You have done enough and you cannot help being poorly (I’m sure the hospital wouldn’t appreciate germs brought in anyway). Surely he understands that your children come first and naturally you want to spend time with your children in the school holidays!

He sounds very manipulative. You definitely aren’t a waste of space 🤗

No you aren’t being unreasonable.
Don’t text him anything, don’t say or do or communicate with him at all until he apologises.
If he texts tomorrow and you want to reply simply say you are sorry he’s upset but you are still waiting for his apology for Speaking to you in such an unacceptable manner.
You’re doing the right thing. Who in their right mind would take go into a hospital and risk passing more bugs to people who are already ill?
Leave him to his self pity for a few days it might make him realise how lucky he is to have you.

Thank you

I've had another phone call from him, basically saying "if the children are better tomorrow are you coming up",

"I've told you how much I appreciated your visits" (no he hasn't )" and "how much I need you " (he has said this but it is manipulative IMO)

I find myself getting really angry on the phone with him, he's so self absorbed he hasn't even asked if the children are okay "you know how kids bounce back" ... He is absolutely incapable of empathy, yet he wants everyone to empathise with him to maximum levels.

My elderly Nan (his mum) has been taken up to the hospital to see him by her neighbour- he hasn't even thanked the neighbour for bringing her up. But commented on HER face like thunder.

He's so unreasonable. I feel so dreadful I need to say something that's gonna shut him up

Tell him you've rung the ward and they've told you not to come in for a few days as there are some very ill people on the ward. You'll let him know when you're feeling better.

He is 64. If you don’t put boundaries in place now this will be your life for the remainder of his life. He will get needier as he gets older. Do as much as you want to. I bet he wasn’t looking after his parents at your stage in his life!

If you're poorly it'll be best both for him and other patients if you aren't there. Being your Dad he should want you to take time to feel better also.

Don't go for several days, or longer. You done your bid, he is an ungrateful shitgibbon.