...to feel utterly distraught by this?

[headisajungle]

Last year I saw a therapist. He was great and I made progress with some issues. However, towards the end of our sessions, I felt myself developing feelings for him. It was obviously classic transference. I knew nothing about the man outside of the counselling room, nothing happened, nothing was ever going to happen, and I didn’t try to make anything happen.

Since my sessions with him ended I’ve had no contact but my infatuation has escalated. I did some FB research, found his wife, and discovered they’re expecting a baby. This has completely broken me and I just don’t know why.

Now, I don’t need the following pointing out to me:

• I have invaded his privacy by FB stalking
• He owes me nothing
• I’m on a slippery slope to becoming a stalker
• These feelings have to stop
• I can absolutely not make contact
• This is no-ones fault but mine

...but how?? I can (and do) tell my rational brain that nothing was ever going to happen and I’m behaving crazily all I like, but how can I convert that thought into resolving the feeling of being distraught and empty?

Is more therapy (different therapist, obvs) the way forward?

You are not well. You understand your obsession is not real. You just need to find a way of dealing with it. You should transfer to another therapist/counsellor. Get professional help

I think it's positive you've recognised that these feelings/behaviours aren't normal. It must be very overwhelming for you to feel bereft and to also recognise that it's inappropriate to feel this way.

How much human interaction do you have outside therapy?

How do you get over the end of any relationship? Give yourself time. You know where you're going wrong, work on avoiding social media etc.

What you're describing is completely natural after a therapeutic relationship.

Do you think he symbolised some kind of hope or ideal, and that's the reason it's hit you so hard? Not the man himself but, like you say, a transference of something else?

You seem very well aware that these feelings aren't real in the sense of a mature, healthy relationship. And yes, more therapy sounds like a good idea.

Look for a female therapist.

I'd suggest more therapy with the same therapist. You would not have been the first person to have developed feelings for him, its happens in the therapeutic relationship. What school of therapy was it? The use of the term transference suggests psychoanalytic

I suggest the same one as its important to work through these feelings with him and work out what's happening in that relationship and it also allows him to think about the countertransference he may be experiencing (which would all be conjecture if you saw a different therapist)

The same way you get over any inappropriate crush. Distract yourself (work, hobbies, friends), take a break from social media and don't indulge any irrational fantasies of tracking him down and him leaving his wife for you etc.

If you're feeling empty it's not because you can't be with your therapist. It's because you're not satisfied with your life as if is currently. So have a think about what's missing- is it fulfilling work, interests, friendships, a creative outlet, a relationship? Whatever it is, think about the steps you need to take to achieve it.

A transference often suggests unresolved issues that you are working through with someone that you have projected onto the therapist.

Transferences can be worked with positively. The fact that finding out this stuff about your therapist has upset you so much would suggest that there are issues subconsciously arising out of the transference that you could do with working through.

More therapy could well be useful, whether with the same therapist if appropriate, or another.

Thank you all. I was terrified of getting flamed for thinking so crazily, so thank you for being nice. I really don’t know how I’d feel about seeing him again. It’s been hard enough to start this thread, so how mortifying would explaining it all to him, face to face be?

Well transference is part of healing, because it brings to light all of the unconscious unmet needs we’re left with after our childhoods, so there’s nothing at all wrong with how you’re feeling and you recognise it as inappropriate and in some way not ‘real’ so you’re doing fine. Have some more therapy, and it absolutely doesn’t have to be with him or even with a man, but someone to whom you can talk about this. Sorry you’re feeling so vulnerable OP. I’ve been there on this one by the way (long ago).

Transference is painful, but human. It can be worked through.

Ah lass. You can get a crush on a neighbour, a builder that does work in your home, a friends OH (if she hasn`t told you what he is like behind closed doors), your GP, dentist, a colleague, boss in fact just about anyone. The thing to remember is that it does pass.

It's really quite common to develop feelings - you share the innermost parts of yourself and they listen and accept and talk to you about them without judging, they're like your best friend.

Try and remember though that they will have been like that with EVERYONE that they saw, they don't judge because it's their job not to - they are a bit like the employee that always laughs at the bosses jokes, even the unfunny ones :)

It may be better for you if you ever see a therapist again in the future to look for a female one as it may help you not develop romantic feelings for them.

I work with a therapist who writes regularly on the subject of therapy and she notes often in her writing about transference and how it can impact many different parts of the therapeutic experience. It might be worth exploring the feelings behind this infatuation - perhaps with a different therapist, or if you feel safe with your current therapist and you know he has good boundaries.

He will most likely have experience dealing with this - this is the first time it's happened to you so it feels overwhelming, but probably not to him. He might also be able to recommend a colleague if you can't comfortably talk to him anymore.

I've found a couple of links to articles which may help:

"In the context of therapy, a crush could be a reawakening of a long-dormant wanting. Perhaps for romantic love and sexual passion. But perhaps also a long dormant need to be seen and cherished - to be the apple of someone’s eye. Whether that was your childhood experience or not, the experience of therapy can awaken these desires in a powerful way."

www.alisoncrosthwait.com/blog/i-have-a-crush-on-my-therapist

www.alisoncrosthwait.com/blog/2019/3/11/leaving-when-its-working

You’re all lovely people

You could contact him, say there is some unresolved issues for you from your work together and see what he says about how to resolve it.
If it is too embarrassing to say it to him, perhaps you could write him a letter/email and then have a session after.

A decent therapist will be well trained at dealing with and helping the client through these sort of issues. It is very common, you are not crazy!

I’ve got no way of explaining how I feel to him without admitting to the intrusive level of ‘research’ I’ve done. He’ll think I’m unhinged

It’s probably happened to him before, OP - it’s pretty common so I wouldn’t worry about looking like a stalker. You sound very intelligent and self-aware and not at all crazy!

This is actually something that has been known to happen. For example, when Freud first came about many of his clients developed feelings for him because he was the first man who actually tried to listen to them. Therefore, maybe there is a deeper meaning behind your feelings. It is probably best to seek professional help. Also, maybe delete your social media so that you can resist temptation and give yourself distance from the situation so that you can move on. I think you do need to speak to someone but I also think that it will all be solved in a matter of time if you do the right things.

The problem might not ge that you’re in love with him but rather that you are worried and feel guilty for being attracted to someone you know you can’t have. Perhaps you’re overthinking and worrying about this (I know that I have a tendency to do this and it brings me down).

You’ll get over this. Just make sure you have someone to speak to.

Someone I know told her therapist she was in love with him. He said "No, you're projecting onto me. You're learning to love yourself" which might be what's happening.

It’s so strange, because I’m not in love with him. I’ve never imagined a future with him and I don’t hope he leaves his wife for me. Which is great, because that’s not happening. I just can’t stop thinking about him and his wife. I’ve imagined her personality, their life together, everything, it’s crazy.

Could this obsession be a reflection of my jealousy of their ideal relationship, and highlighting unmet needs in my own?