to worry about negative self-talk from my 9 year old?

[ScatteredMama82]

My DS1 is 9. Over the last couple of years we have noticed that whenever he gets told off, he gets really negative about himself. Last night he was being sulky and difficult about going to bed. I told him (calmly, not crossly) that he had been allowed to stay up later than usual because it was the holidays, but if he carried on with the complaining etc then he wouldn't be allowed the extra time in future. Off he went to bed in a bid of a huff, then I went in to check on him about 10 mins later and he said 'I'm a heap of uselessness, I'm ungrateful'. He's done this before, saying all sorts like he's a horrible person, he's not good enough for us, he's selfish etc. I don't know where it's coming from, I try to talk to him about it but he says it's hard to explain. The rest of the time he's fine, he's happy, has lots of friends, he's bright, he's engaging, he's funny and he's great with this little brother. Is it just a normal thing, maybe hormones or should we be looking to get him to talk to someone professional about it?

I have this with my two when they were this age.
Your ds is just working through his feelings and when he says things like that he is basically looking for reassurance that you still love him.

Just focus on the behaviour rather than him. Say “we love you dearly, we’re just not happy with this particular behaviour”

He's getting cross with himself instead of you. But it's really you he's angry with. So helping him to talk about that and reassure him you can take it and not hold it against him.
You can say ' you are feeling a bit angry with me? It's OK to feel angry and annoyed with me when I ask you to stop doing doing something. It's my job as a parent to tell you what to do. So it's normal for you to feel angry at me'.
Because saying 'I hate you, you're a stupid mother' would be too risky for him. Some kids will do that type of thing instead. Just different personalities handle anger in different ways.
Giving out to ourselves is less risky. But not a good position to take long term because as we get older we stop saying it out loud and it goes straight to self-criticism without us noticing the anger or the reason why.

Good advice from PPs here, OP. I wouldn't worry too much about it either. One of my DCs is like this. You hear lots of 'I'm horrible, I hate myself' in moments of anger. Another just yells regularly that they hate ME. I find that much easier to deal with! But I think it's all part of the same thing - just sorting out where they fit in within the family, what's ok and what isn't.

As long as it doesn't get worse or start affecting confidence or other areas of life, I wouldn't be too concerned, personally, but only you know your child and how much of a step away from what's normal for them this is.

There's an organisation called Young Minds which has some useful info on their website and also a phoneline, which is quite good if you wanted to talk it through with someone.

I think towards end of primary schools could do some CBT and that would be really helpful with most children especially ones who do this...it would be fab. Mine does it too sometimes. he said "is all I'm worth a sigh?" when i sighed for other reasons, (general tiredness) and i explained it wasn't a reflection on him, and went on to talk about taking things personally and often things are just to do with something else...
I think you can get CBT workbooks for kids also.

My DD(9) does this too. Usually at bedtime when tired. I'm not too concerned as she snaps out of it quite quickly, but I would worry if it carried on for long periods or she became withdrawn from us - I think I'd seek help at that stage.

Thanks all, some great reassurance here and good tips too x

My almost 9 year old does this too. It really worries me, but I've contacted a child psychologist, occupational therapist and others for advice, and because he is generally fine, they don't seem concerned. No worries reported by his teacher or anything.

I have taught him to breathe deeply into his abdomen when he feels like this, as he tends to be overwrought. It seems to help.