Why's my ex's new girlfriend out of control

[Natasha4767]

AIBU to think she is nuts?

I left my ex and moved on before he met her I'm engaged and about to have a baby in 4 weeks to my new partner. They have been together around 18 months.

Me and my ex used to have a great co parenting relationship until she came along. She writes all his messages to me, she's changed the contact arrangements and made it so difficult we have ended up in court. She's sent me crazy messages, made up fake profiles to look at me online. She's made false allegations about me to the police. Heck he even checks with her before he replies to anything I say to him about the kids.

It got that bad at Xmas that he rang me crying when she wasn't there saying how sorry he was for there behaviour and he hated how bad the co parenting. Only for two days later her and him ring screaming that he shouldn't of agreed to anything without her present an agreeing and being really abusive abusive.

Now don't get me wrong he is no saint he was controlling ect. But after we separated the relationship was good and we got on fine for the kids we weren't best friends but we spoke about the kids and we're flexible ect. But now we're in court and he's arguing for contact that I haven't stopped and actively promote but they are adamant on 6 set days a month with no flexibility, there obsessed with trying to get one over on me to the point Cafcass have suspended contact until it goes back to court.

The best bit is I couldn't care less about her, she's welcome to him and I really hope there happy because realistically if they are a happy couple when my children spend time with them it will be happy fun time. An that's all I want for my children.

Has anyone experienced this? Does it ever get better?

Jesus he is in an abusive relationship. He is petrified of her. He tried to reach out but when she heard he had to change his tune. Poor guy. He seriously needs help, she could harm him.

She could harm him and your kids .
I hope judge sees this .

I don't want to be accused of mud slinging as they have together made out I'm in a abusive relationship, which isn't true at all. so I don't really want to get into it with court I've just stated it never used to be like this before they got together but then I was accused of bad mouthing so it is a loose loose situation.

Don't get me wrong he is not an angel, in our relationship he was controlling but when we separated it was mostly fine.

I just wish she would deal with what ever issues are causing this as I really don't care about her I'm not interested what so ever and I'm fed up of her using what ever tiny way she can to get at me. It started to affect my children a long time ago. To the point my ex hasn't seen our children since Christmas and court haven't decided when he can as they are too busy being unreasonable and not agreeing to any contact proposed by Cafcass unless they think it makes my life difficult. Meaning Cafcass have said at this moment in time contact is not in the best interest of the boys as nothing they have suggested is consistent and they keep changing there mind or what they are happy with literally days before contact is due to start.

Surely six set days a month would be easier? Once it's set in stone by a court she can't argue about it.. It would be nice to be able to work together and be flexible like you were in the past, but with her around its not going to happen.

I don't think 6 set days a month is that unreasonable. Sometimes, especially where relationships are a bit fraught or complicated, set contact is the best thing. It's a firm boundary that everyone has to respect.

She sounds like terrible step-parent material. I would be concerned about her interacting with your child to be honest and I'm wondering why she has inserted herself so strongly into your contact arrangements, isn't that bizarre don't you think?

Oh goodness, poor children. Unfortunately to a greater or lesser extent this seems to happen in many new relationships. Jealousy is a factor, and it seems to shift to hatred for no real reason. At some point he has bad-mouthed you - probably telling her what he thought she wanted to hear - and she took it and ran with it. He needs to decide whether his relationship or his children are more important but I honestly wouldn’t hold my breath. My ex has had a number of women who have behaved very badly towards our children but he never seems to learn. Fortunately, they are getting older and voting with their feet which has helped but even having thrown out the last girlfriend, he still sees her daily and expects to have her round socially when the children are there.

It is positive for your children that CAFCASS can see the bigger picture. Unfortunately you may find your ex bows out altogether until the relationship has run its course.

I don't think 6 set days a month is that unreasonable. I don't think OP has said it is, just that ex and GF are incapable of confirming which 6 should be set, which has made CAFCASS step in.

Meaning Cafcass have said at this moment in time contact is not in the best interest of the boys

That’s positive, surely? It means that Cafcass has the children’s best interests at heart and can see that contact with your ex and his gf are not helping the children.

It sounds to me as if your ex is in an abusive relationship. Control and Coercion is now a criminal offence so your ex can report his gf to the Police if he’s seeing things clearly enough to do so.

I think you need to forget about blaming the court and Cafcass for now, accept that atm contact is not good for the children and see what happens with your ex. You do not have to tolerate abusive communication from the ex; can you block her or does she only use your ex’s phone? If they start screaming at you then do not engage and let Police/Cafcass know.

Ah, did you mean your ex and his gf are being unreasonable, rather than court being unreasonable? My mistake if so.

6 set days would be easier yes. But the problem lies with that I have a older daughter who sees her dad alternative weekends so Cafcass have said it's my children's best interest for my children to be at home all on the same weekends as their is only 3 years between them and they are very close.

They are fighting this saying they don't get a weekend off from the kids as the weekend they won't have our children they have her son who is much older, they are stating the relationship the children have with her son is equally as important to the one the children have with their half sister although they have only been in a relationship 18 months and he's much older and none biological.

To add my ex brought my daughter up as his own along with his family, he had as much contact with her as his biological children for over a year after we separated, until he met this current partner who made my daughter watch films such as Annie and then decided to tell her he wasn't her real dad. Then he dropped her with no explanation. We had previously had convos about when we would tell her and he was insistent he was her father and loved her the same as the others. Although this was a hard period for my daughter it meant she could in due course start contact with her biological father which previously he had not allowed. Which has worked out well for her. (I take full responsibility for allowing this to happen).

I have said I am happy for any other type of contact arrangements on the other 25 days a month but they are not willing to take anything.

To add my children desperately want to see their dad and it is crushing. I agree I don't think she is a nice person or in my children's best interests but it's very hard to prove unless he's willing to speak up about her and he isn't. So for me to appose contact is only going to look bad on me. Realistically I just have to support my children and be their for them and when they get older (only 4 and 3) they will make their own minds up.

If you've offered them 25 days every month for contact and they can't find 6, I don't think anyone is going to say you are opposing contact.

Jesus, OP, I would be doing my best to keep your children away from the pair of them. It’s taken me years to undo the damage done to my youngest, by her father’s nasty fucker of a girlfriend. He just turned a blind eye to it. My youngest’s birth mother is no better.

Once he wises up and dumps the fucker, then I’d be encouraging contact. The emotional damage that they could inflict on your children will last a lot longer, than any damage done by them having no contact.

Why do you have to deal with her? She's shown herself to be a bit of a nightmare so i would cease ALL contact from her.

The courts cant make you speak with her as it's the DC father that needs to speak and you're willing to do that.

You can put restirctions in place and say that should he want to see his DC then that can be arranged without her present.

What an awful thing to do to your older daughter! I'm sure the courts will see this and the importance of the two sisters spending most time together at weekends. It certain;y trumps ex's need to be childfree for a period each month!

My best friend has taken up with an absolute banshee. He no longer is allowed to speak to me/see me and she has made allegations of an improper relationship between me and him to anyone who will listen.
She has accused his male best friend of sexually assaulting her, so he doesn't see him any more either
I don't wish harm on many people, but on that cunt I really really do.