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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for help with play date invite?

23 replies

Powerof4 · 15/04/2019 09:46

Sorry, posting mainly for traffic.

Dd, 3, is struggling a bit socially at preschool as all but 5 out of 50 kids will be the year above her at school and some will be 2 years above. Nursery suggested trying playdates with some of the other younger ones.

So my question is, please can you help me word a play date invitation to parents I don't know? I'd also welcome any suggestions for supporting her with preschool more generally.

OP posts:

IvanaPee · 15/04/2019 09:48

You don’t mean written invitations do you?!

Do you have their numbers or will you be asking to their faces?

I wouldn’t worry overly much either, she’s still very young :)

Digestive28 · 15/04/2019 09:51

3 is tiny to worry, they have loads of developing to do and probably still happy playing alongside rather than with others. My 3 year old is not very sociable as she screams if doesn’t get her way! I wouldn’t worry, just on days at home maybe ensure loads of interaction with people (including you) so learns turn taking etc

totallywired · 15/04/2019 09:52

My Ds never really had specific friends at nursery, but he's always had friends at school, I just think at that age he wasn't really bothered.

DaisyChainsForever · 15/04/2019 09:54

Do u have the 'Mush' app? You can connect with local mums in your area and arrange play dates through that.

angelopal · 15/04/2019 09:54

DD is private nursery so everyone dropped off and picked up at different times. One of her friends mum sent a note asking if she wanted to come over for a playdate and her phone number so I could get in touch to arrange. Something like that would be fine.

Neolara · 15/04/2019 09:55

"hi, dd is in your dd's class at nursey. Dd and I were wondering if X and you would like to come for a short playdate next Wed, 10 to 11.30. We live in Z Road in W Town. Poweror4"

HappydaysArehere · 15/04/2019 09:57

Could you ask another mum around to yours for a coffee and chat so that the children can play together for awhile? Keep it informal and relax.

IvanaPee · 15/04/2019 09:59

Yeah I definitely think they’re too young for play days by themselves!

Original poster

Powerof4 · 15/04/2019 10:03

Hi, thanks for replying- yes I do mean written - this is what nursery have suggested as it's a very large nursery with very long opening hours so parents don't tend to know each other from pick up/drop off. We know parents of older children and younger ones in other rooms, but not any of the others in the same situation of being quite young in a very large preschool.

The note idea does feel a bit weird to me, so it's good to see it would feel a bit odd to others too. I considered it because dd is quite unhappy to go to preschool at the moment and is often crying there - not just at drop off. She's very aware of all the 'best friends' and has been talking about this a lot at home. She does have friends there, but seems unsettled at the moment. We talk about all the fun things they will do and stay positive, but she seems to be finding it hard right now.

Perhaps I should try talking again with nursery about how we can support her in a different way?

OP posts:

Original poster

Powerof4 · 15/04/2019 10:04

Sorry cross-posted - those wordings are great and really helpful. Thanks!

OP posts:

calpop · 15/04/2019 10:04

I really think 3 is too young to be worrying about this. They dont need playdates u til school.

Original poster

Powerof4 · 15/04/2019 10:08

Also very grateful to people reassuring me that I don't need to be worried about play dates yet :)

OP posts:

JockTamsonsBairns · 15/04/2019 10:14

I'm really quite surprised that this is the nursery's solution to what your dd is feeling. It's perfectly normal, 'friendships' are so fluid at 3, I'd say she just perhaps needs some help from her key worker in buddying up with some of the others. Is her key worker usually quite proactive in other ways? It sounds like she's being quite lazy, and just passing it on to you to sort out.

I don't recall any of my three DC's having "best friends" at nursery. Ds2 certainly didn't. He generally just played alongside, rather than with, the others. He was completely fine starting school.

By all means, arrange play dates if that's what you and dd want to do, and you think you'd enjoy it. But, I think the situation at nursery is for them to come up with better solutions for.

calpop · 15/04/2019 10:16

I have 4 children all of whom went to private nurseries and, with the benefit of hindsight, I really dont think they start to play cooperatively properly until 4/5/6. There will be all sort of friendships, fall outs, dramas, nightmare pushy parents etc then. Just enjoy the peace now :)

IvanaPee · 15/04/2019 10:17

I would consider that bad advice from them, tbh.

She’s so little! If you want to do it then by all means go ahead.

Do you know any of the parents from her group?! Even a casual hello?

calpop · 15/04/2019 10:20

One last anecdote - one of my children is 9 now and has a really good friend at school. We discourage the whole 'best' friend concept and they have lots of friends, but this kid probably is the closest one at the moment. Anyway, they were both at nursery together 3 or 4 days a week at various times, in the baby, toddler and preschool rooms from the age of 1 til starting school. They have absolutely no memory of the other being there and didnt really start to play together until Reception.

Original poster

Powerof4 · 15/04/2019 10:27

Thanks for the perspective- yes, I should just chill and enjoy the peace!

Loving that your 9year Old and friend don't even remember each other, calpol, that says everything about how seriously I should be taking this!

We also discourage the best friend thing, but I think it's a massive fad in preschool right now. I've asked nursery for another chat so we can talk about how to help dd. She's such a happy girl most of the time and I want her to be happy there too.

OP posts:

NWQM · 15/04/2019 10:33

I'm also a bit puzzled about why nursery thing it's a good idea.

Given how much children of that age live in the moment I'm not sure why it matters when other children move on? Any distress caused by this will be very short lived especially as nursery should be working on normalising it.

Is it that that you are worried?

calpop · 15/04/2019 10:36

Yeah I remember that feeling, if they tild me anything even slightly negative when I picked them.up from nursery like "but tired today", "hasnt done a poo" I would freak out and worry all day at work the next day - I think it's normal

She may be a little shy, but I really do thibk it's too early to worry about best friends etc. Any organic playdates that come about through meeting other kids/parents, site but I dont think you need to engineer them at this point. Trust me, also from experience, kids really resent this as well and will sabotage any attempt. You can't game friendships, I learnt the hard way, and they will wax and wane anyway.

Another of my older kids also went to the nursery and primary school with another kid all the way through. They vaguely remember each other from the last year of nursery, mainly because they fought bitterly over a Spiderman car. They didnt really get on that well at primary school, weren't in same friendship group and had a bit of a love hate relationship, lots of fall outs, accusations of bullying etc. They went to different secondary schools, where they discovered a shared interest in year 8 and are now firm friends, doing that hobby together outside school 3/4 times a week. Go figure.

MadameDD · 15/04/2019 10:41

As Neolara says - something along those lines - but as someone else said I didn't start playdates until DD started school!

My DD likes her own company but she isn't shy. When I was a kid I was more shy.

Huncamuncaa · 15/04/2019 10:48

My DS went through a phase of saying he didn't have a best friend and everyone else did. He obsessively listed everyone in nurserys best friend. We spent a long time talking to him about it and discouraging it and he seems over it now and says he has lots of friends. TV doesn't help as loads of shows pair everyone off 'iggle piggle and upsy daisy are best friends!' Etc. Drives me mad!

StroppyWoman · 15/04/2019 11:02

We moved when eldest was a toddler and he had no local pals at nursery/playgroup. I gave Nursery staff a pair of notes for other kids' parents saying "Nursery tell me our X and Y enjoy playing together. Would you both be free for a cuppa at Z Soft Play after nursery next week?"
I met new people and eldest had instant pals, because playing together for 10 minutes means friendship at that age.
(DD, 13, recently discovered her new high school friend used to be a good Nursery friend and go to each others birthday parties. She'd no recollection at all!)

Gizlotsmum · 15/04/2019 11:07

Years ago my dd's nursery mentioned a friendship she had developed. I asked them to pass a note with my number onto the mum and now they still see each other regularly aged 10. Was the best thing I did as they go to totally different schools but still have a really close friendship.

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