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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell him to leave?

24 replies

FeedNappyNap · 15/04/2019 09:21

NC'd as don't want this linked to other posts.

I'm in shock atm so sorry if this makes little sense. Bit of backstory...

At the start of our relationship (3 years ago) I found that DP had a lot of skimpy, nude and inappropriate accounts that he followed on instagram. He also saved these posts either on the app or in his photos. I admit I'm pretty insecure with my looks and find this hard so we agreed that he could look at the accounts but I didn't want any of them saved, as this was a compromise. In these past 3 years I have caught him saving them and he always says he doesn't know why, that he's just looking and won't do it again. This has happened 4 times previously and always ended in a huge row and unkept promises.

This morning I am 12 weeks postpartum and I am exhausted, feel shit about how I look and feel emotionally pretty awful. Despite a horrid birth involving an episiotomy, forceps and 3rd degree tear we were dtd 2 weeks post birth. It has been a while since we last dtd and we've both been exhausted and emotional. Today I ask to go on his phone to take a photo of our DD and as I go onto photos to look at the pic I'd just snapped, he snatches the phone away. I ask to see what he's hiding and there's at least 50 photos in the last two days of skimpy women. I told him that I cannot believe he's lied again, that I can't trust him and asked why. He just said he didn't know why and deleted them. I said that it didn't matter that he'd deleted them, the fact is that he lied to me.

At this point DD woke is so I went to her. Then calmly I told him I want him to go stay elsewhere for a few days, that I think this is over as I can't trust him and that things are definitely not okay between us. He then said that things have been hard, that we haven't been very physical and that we don't get time together. DD has also been poorly a lot and it's been hard. I told him that quite frankly, things feel impossible for me but I'm not lying and hiding things. He then said that he doesn't know what I do. As if that somehow makes it okay?

So is this normal man behaviour and am I hugely overreacting or am I being reasonable for wanting to get rid? He claims that he still loves me and wants me but I can't be with a liar.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 15/04/2019 09:25

Your partner is a twat and always has been.

It’s not normal and it’s disrespectful and sleazy.

Funnyface1 · 15/04/2019 09:26

No it's not normal and I don't think you're overreacting. It sounds like the cycle will just continue on if you let him stay, which will do your self esteem no good. Concentrate on the baby and remember you are worth being treated well.

Shoxfordian · 15/04/2019 09:44

I think you're wrong to stop him looking at pictures. Its not actually a reflection on you or how atttactive he finds you. There's nothing wrong with him having a wank over a photo, he's not cheating on you.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 15/04/2019 10:13

You had sex 2 weeks after a 3rd degree tear? Bloody hell OP - did you want to or did you feel pressured into it? I only had an episiotomy and I think the advice was to leave it well alone for 6 weeks....?

PutyourtoponTrevor · 15/04/2019 10:15

You DTD 2 weeks after the birth despite having an episiotomy and 3rd degree tearing?! Are you even healed yet?

Shoxfordian · 15/04/2019 10:16

Missed that you had sex 2 weeks after a tear
Why did you do that? I hope you weren't feeling pressured by him

Original poster

FeedNappyNap · 15/04/2019 10:17

@Shoxfordian I don't stop him looking, just saving them. This was the compromise we agreed to.

OP posts:

Original poster

FeedNappyNap · 15/04/2019 10:18

I had sex that quickly because I wanted to, he was nervous to. And yes, I had a repair check on Friday and all is good.

OP posts:

Treaclesweet · 15/04/2019 10:20

He sounds like a dickhead. There's no way sex that soon pp would be enjoyable for you surely? I had an epi and I was still crying every time I went for a wee at that point.

Shoxfordian · 15/04/2019 10:23

If you like a picture though then you save it so you can look at it again next time, makes sense. Still don't see the issue

VimFuego101 · 15/04/2019 10:25

Of course you haven't spent much time together, you have a newborn baby. What is he doing to support/ help you through a difficult birth and dealing with a newborn? Is he taking his share of the load or is he just carrying on as normal?

Original poster

FeedNappyNap · 15/04/2019 10:26

@Treaclesweet I'm sorry it was awful for you, that sounds really hard. Are you okay now?

It wasn't bad, we only had a few minutes then I stopped because it started to hurt. He completely respected that and understood.

As much as he's a dickhead and is blaming this on his health issues (seriously) he is great in other ways. He spends time with me, cleans, cooks, doesn't hate me for being exhausted. But he also says a lot of things like I don't care about his issues, that because he has chronic fatigue he is more exhausted. I always say we cannot compare but his issues (and apparently my lack of caring, despite trying my best to but I'm knackered too) are always the reason for his wrongdoings.

OP posts:

Original poster

FeedNappyNap · 15/04/2019 10:28

@VimFuego101 He does more than his share most days to be honest. We have a lot of pets and are very busy yet he helps all the time. He cannot lift heavy things due to a previous injury so 3 days post birth I was lugging a pram up stairs but I can lift things, he can't.

OP posts:

PregnantSea · 15/04/2019 10:41

Hmmm I'm not sure... I actually don't see anything wrong in him having a look at pictures of random scantily clad ladies on Instagram, nor saving the ones he likes? I don't think it's much different to watching a porno or something? It seems a bit unfair to stop him from doing this. It isn't a reflection on you.

Then again, he knows it deeply upsets you and he has lied to you about it repeatedly which is bad. In principle I think being lied to for a fourth time about something that has caused so many arguments would really upset me.

Perhaps rather than booting him out you could have a proper talk? I mean really talk though, put his mind at ease and give him a safe space and free pass to explain what's really going on without fear of getting yelled at. You can do the same. Hopefully this will help you to understand each other better and make a plan to improve the situation. I would make it clear though that if he lies to you about this again in the future then he will be looking for somewhere else to live.

TheViceOfReason · 15/04/2019 10:41

He spends time with me, cleans, cooks, doesn't hate me for being exhausted.

This isn't someone being great. This is the absolute bare minimum he should be doing.

But he also says a lot of things like I don't care about his issues, that because he has chronic fatigue he is more exhausted. I always say we cannot compare but his issues (and apparently my lack of caring, despite trying my best to but I'm knackered too) are always the reason for his wrongdoings.

A gas lighting martyr. How charming.

He's a liar and has proven and shown what he is over and over. Don't let him come back.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 15/04/2019 10:47

doesn't hate me for being exhausted what a strange comment!

ChuckleBuckles · 15/04/2019 11:00

This issue as I see it is not the photos or whether he saves them or not, the issue is that you, as a couple, reached an agreement between you that you were both comfortable with and he has repeatedly broken that and lied to you. Do not get bogged down in what other people are OK with their partners doing/looking at. This is about you and your partner and the fact that he has broken his promise fours times in the past three years, that is your issue - after breaking the promise the first time you moved on, he did it again and again you moved on, by drawing a line in the sand, telling him that it is a deal breaker and then not walking away you have taught him that it is alright to disrespect you and to lie. You are teaching him to walk all over you and that does not improve in time.

Take this time away from each other to really consider his behaviour towards you and what you are willing to tolerate, also ask him to consider what he is willing to do to rebuild trust for you to move forward, don't tell him you need x,y or z ask him to tell you what he is willing to do, it will force him to really think about him behaviour rather than just agreeing to what you want for a quiet life and then not following through.

Original poster

FeedNappyNap · 15/04/2019 11:02

@PutyourtoponTrevor An ex used to complain I was always boring and tired. He does do much more than the minimum.

OP posts:

Damntheman · 15/04/2019 11:39

I don't think there's anything wrong with him looking, although it is a bit skeevy to do it at instagram models instead of actual porn.. But that said, you made it clear how much it upset you and the least he could do is respect that until you're recovered enough to discuss it again calmly. You asked him to stop and he agreed, so him then doing it again? That is not acceptable or normal. That's him flat out lying. I'm not surprised you're upset!

Barbie222 · 15/04/2019 11:47

I am not sure why you are upset? Was there anything worrying in the pictures - non consensual, under age? Or are you just upset that he is looking? I know this is probably a minority view but I'm not sure policing what he sees is going to work and he'll just get more and more evasive and find different ways to hide what he does.

Original poster

FeedNappyNap · 15/04/2019 11:59

@Damntheman and@Barbie222

I don't mind him looking as we agree this was okay, it's him saving them alongside pictures of our DD that I don't like as the compromise was that he wouldn't save them. There's nothing dodgy no.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 15/04/2019 12:07

he always says he doesn't know why, that he's just looking and won't do it again. This has happened 4 times previously and always ended in a huge row and unkept promises

See, this is the point where you are supposed to realise he is a massive twat. Not because he's looking at photos but because he doesn't respect you. He fobs you off by lying to you but has no intention of changing.

This should have been a huge red flag to you and you should really have left instead of deciding to have a child with him.

Damntheman · 15/04/2019 12:12

You're not being unreasonable OP! I'd find that super skeevy saving the pictures alongside ones of your daughter too.

Bringbackbertha · 15/04/2019 12:27

I wonder if he will never let your dd on his phone.... my dd has always loved looking through the photos on my phone and saying peoples names so I am very careful about what is on there (including deleting gifs etc that get saved from messenger and WhatsApp)

When I met my Dh I told him that I didn't like porn... he had a laptop which is only used for that, it was rubbish otherwise... so with me he destroyed it as he agreed he no longer needed it now he had me .

I wouldn't say no if he wanted to watch some porn or look at photos but I would draw a line at saving photos that's crass in my opinion

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