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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I don't need to be a step 'mum'

51 replies

BloodyMaryAtBreakfast · 15/04/2019 09:07

Met DHs children when they were 4 and 6, we've been together 6 years.

AIBU to think I don't need to be a step 'mum'? I like his kids a lot, we have a great time when they come and I enjoy their company but I don't see myself as any sort of 'parental' figure to them at all and I don't want to be.

All my friends / family who are in this situation are quite involved i.e doing pick ups/drop offs, going to school plays, texting exes to arrange contact etc... when I say I don't really do any of that stuff because I don't feel it's my place I'm always met with 'but you're an important person in their lives now, you're their stepMUM'.

I just don't feel the urge to involve myself in anything like that. Don't get me wrong, if there was some reason why DH or his ex couldn't do something like a pick up for example, I would offer. We all get along great.

I guess I just see the children more as little friends rather than as my own children. That's okay isn't it?

I don't make them feel unwelcome, they know they can come to their home with us at any time and they do stay 50:50 presently and they are happy here.

I just get met with such odd looks when I say I don't really see myself as a step mother.

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 15/04/2019 11:23

I'm the same. Dp's children are 10 and 11 and I met when when they were 5 and 6. They already have parents to do the boring stuff like insist they eat vegetables she make them go to bed. I just do fun things with them. Obviously if I need to pick them up from somewhere or make them food etc. I will do but I don't get involved in contact arrangements or decisions about their lives.

Tunnockswafer · 15/04/2019 11:27

You can’t really ever be in sole charge of them if you can’t make a “parenting decision” such as what snack they should have, though.
I suppose it’s about crossing the line between friends children (who you can break contact with if they bug you too much) and family dc, who you should love even when being pests. Auntie is perhaps a good term for it if you don’t feel like a “mum”, but I think for the dcs sake it should go beyond being a friend.

thecatsthecats · 15/04/2019 11:28

I would say it's fine for the moment, and actually better than adding a third unnecessary parent into their lives. Don't get me started on the angst you get on here about the apparent 'snubbing' of step grandchildren etc, instead of allowing for a lovely, natural relationship like this.

(My friend actually told me that her SIL now insists on saying her parents have 10 grandkids, not 9 - because she married an older man with a 28yo son! I imagine he'd be mortified - I would be!)

...but you may have to watch it if you choose to have children.

Your DH will have his ideas on parenting already, as will their mum - and your children's half siblings will have razor-sharp perceptions of any differences in the way they are treated!

ToffeePennie · 15/04/2019 11:30

You sound like a very aware lady, who cares for her husbands children very much and doesn’t want to replace their mother - which is exactly as it should be.
Maybe to them you are more of an aunt? A good part of their lives, involved and active but not taking the “mum” role and that is wonderful.

Acis · 15/04/2019 11:33

Tbh I like never having to be the bad guy, they love me because I'm not the one that decides bedtime or tells them what they can and can't have to eat after tea

Mostly I think your approach is fine, but this is where it may become problematic. In the nature of things there will come a time when it does have to be you that makes this type of decision, simply because your DH might not be around, and at that point you have to think about what's good for them rather than being their friend. You also say that you always support what your DH decides - but what if you radically disagree with what he decides, to the extent that you think it's harmful to them or shows a lack of understanding? This sort of issue is liable to come up more and more as they hit puberty.

Original poster
BloodyMaryAtBreakfast · 15/04/2019 11:41

Okay yes I prefer the aunt comparison to the one I used being friend.

It's not that I have a problem with calling them out if they are misbehaving and I'm the only one around. I am capable of that and do it if their dad isn't there. Like an aunt would I suppose.

If he is there though I don't see it as for me to involve myself in. Their parent is there and therefore can make the decisions.

I think mum sounds very intense. I don't feel like I am in any way their mother, nor do I want to be. If my help is needed or asked for then I am happy to provide it but I don't want to go out of my way to involve myself like a parent when I'm not one.

Perhaps it will change slightly when / if we have children together, I don't know. I think everyone involved is happy with how it is now though.

OP posts:
DanglyTassles · 15/04/2019 11:43

I played it like this with my DSS, I first met him seventeen years ago when he was 11.

His real mum died nine years ago. I did a little more mothering after that but he was a late teen, I never overstepped with actual parenting, like I parented my two, just offered a listening ear, comfort and friendly chats etc when needed and left parenting him to dh.

Now he is 28 and loves me very much and I him. We are very close and often have deep chats together over a bottle of wine, and he can always tell me how he's feeling when he feels he can't tell anyone else. He's told me I am the best mother-type/friend he's ever had in his life. I take this as confirmation my instincts were correct to not try to over-step and parent him directly but to find my own relationship with him.

I think what you are doing is very healthy and will lead to great and loving relationships in the future.

Lweji · 15/04/2019 11:43

but what if you radically disagree with what he decides, to the extent that you think it's harmful to them or shows a lack of understanding?

Surely, you'd talk to him, report him or/and leave him. But not take over from him.

Tunnockswafer · 15/04/2019 11:44

But no one is suggesting you call yourself (or think of yourself as) “mum”, “stepmum” doesn’t mean the same as mum to almost anyone.

Bumbalaya · 15/04/2019 11:44

OP I feel exactly the same as you.
It shows the parents are doing their job properly and we can jus positive adults in their lives.

Original poster
BloodyMaryAtBreakfast · 15/04/2019 11:48

I meant to put 'stepmum' sounds intense not just mum.

If I disagreed with DH I would speak with him of course. If it were ever to a point I was concerned about the children's safety I would take that further through the proper channels like I would with any child. (he's a great dad though!)

OP posts:
NeverSayFreelance · 15/04/2019 11:48

Not at all! My step parents have never taken a parental role with me and tbh I would be very offended if they did. I have two parents. They are the only people who get to parent me. My dad's wife never wanted kids, so she has no interest in being my mum - and my mum's partner has three children, he doesn't need another one.

It's not unreasonable. It makes perfect sense. As long as you treat the children with respect and don't make them feel unwelcome, that's all that needed.

Original poster
BloodyMaryAtBreakfast · 15/04/2019 11:51

My point is that all the other step mother's I know seem to take it very seriously and act like a third parent almost, examples in my OP.

My AIBU was is it okay for me to not do that sort of stuff and to not be a sort of parent but rather a friend / trusting adult in their life instead as that's all I see myself as and all I want.

OP posts:
Original poster
BloodyMaryAtBreakfast · 15/04/2019 11:51

Thank you NeverSay

OP posts:
S1naidSucks · 15/04/2019 12:00

It sounds like a lovely set up. I get fed up reading about Disney dads on here and women being treated as if they can do nothing right with the stepchild. He sounds like he’s a good parent and you all have healthy relationships with each other.

funinthesun19 · 15/04/2019 12:01

No you are not being unreasonable. It’s what works best for you. The children already have a mum, you don’t want to be another mum to them, you have a good relationship with them anyway, so it sounds good to me!

My stbx’s exw is very keen on pushing the whole “you’re a mum to dsc” and “you should love dsc just as much as I do” etc... and really tries to ram it down my throat just because she’s got her partner under the thumb and thinks she’s my boss too. The truth is, me and dsc have a fantastic relationship. We’re more like close friends and we are both very secure in our relationship towards one another. And it’s not and a mother-daughter one. She’s very close to her mum and she has an entirely different one with me. All good here. Her mum is just ridiculous.

EarlyWarning · 15/04/2019 12:03

I'm totally with you OP. I have a very similar role in my DSCs life as you describe. It came about for different reasons, but it works. Or at least, it works for now.

Original poster
BloodyMaryAtBreakfast · 15/04/2019 12:17

Thank you, it's good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way!

OP posts:
BuzzPeakWankBobbly · 15/04/2019 12:21

Totally NU OP.

(I had an ex who outwardly told me I didn't need to play step mother to his [almost adult] child. Child didn't want a step parent either, already has a perfectly good mother, for one thing. We got on fine as we were like this.

Secretly though he was hankering for said child and me to be bosom buddies and tighter than tight. When neither of us stepped up to realise his dream, I got the blame Hmm )

SenecaFalls · 15/04/2019 12:26

I think what you describe is fine, but it in my case both of my stepchildren eventually came to live with us full time. The fact that I had assumed a semi-parental role earlier did help smooth that transition.

Rando42 · 15/04/2019 12:28

Sounds fine to me, and like the relationship I have with my stepdad. I call him stepdad in conversation now because I used to get laughed at for calling him my mum’s husband, but he’s never been a parental figure. A nice man who does me favours occasionally (lifts etc) and I’ve always got on well with, and who has been in my family a long time, but not a parent.

frenchonion · 15/04/2019 12:28

I have only been with DP just under two years, so not quite the same, but its exactly how we are with each others DC. My lot have two parents and so does DPs, and both cooarent pretty effectively but it's obviously not without its trials and difficulties...we don't need any more parenting chucked in the mix! I will happily give lifts or feed them or whatever if and when needed, or help out if I can. But I'm happy to be 'dad's nice girlfriend' indefinitely (I think they think I'm OK!! I will admit to shamelessly buying their love with chocolate and magazines though 😂) . I do like to see them doing stuff and vice versa with my DP and my DC so we might go along to each other's DC's plays or sports stuff occasionally but not in the same dogged committed way as we'd take time off to see our own DC's events.

In my opinion you're bang on in how it should be. Would probably be a bit different if the DC didn't have another parent involved or around for whatever reason as you'd probably end up being more parenty but as it stands, I like being fun and buying them sneaky treats and doing the fun bits with DP's DC...I have enough actual parenting to do with my own lot!

UbbesPonytail · 15/04/2019 12:36

You’re a safe and loving person in the children’s lives and I think that’s the most important thing in your relationship with them.

ElsieMc · 15/04/2019 12:51

I think you have it right for you and the children here op shown by the fact you all get along well and you have fun together. I am a grandparent carer and never think I am their mum. People also find this "funny" but it is normal for us both and it works. No misunderstandings.

My eldest dd has just split from her dh who was the boys step-dad. We had a warm, friendly relationship with him and he also never saw himself as the boys' "dad". They are friends and they choose to see him when they can. This weekend he picked them up, made them tea and brought them home later and they were happy to go. He's got it right and so have you.

Original poster
BloodyMaryAtBreakfast · 15/04/2019 18:32

Wow thank you! I really did wonder if it was just me!

OP posts: