To ask if you've made a relationship with a chronic overspender work?

[tedsnose]

DP spends money with abandon. I didn't find out that he spends more than he earns until 3 years in. We then made a plan for him to sort out his debts, from which he has now slipped up twice. He hid it from me both times.

We're now in the process of splitting up due to this.

I'm devastated, my son is devastated, my family also. DP is due to sign a new rental agreement for his own place today and I feel heartbroken that I'm having to ask this wonderful man, albeit who is useless with money and embarrassed about it, to leave.

Has anyone ever overcome big financial / spending differences in a relationship and made it work long term?

I’ve no real advice but just to say I’m sorry you’re in this position, it sounds very hard. This may not be good advice but the only thing that came into my head that if you both consider the relationship to be worth it, would he be happy for you to be in control of all finances and give him some sort of allowance? Sounds a bit patronising but if it saves you splitting up and he is willing to accept your help it might be worth it.

It can be done, but I think the person has to accept they have a problem and want to have help. In my case I took charge of the finances and my DP was ok with that. We've been together a long time now and I think he's a different person now and a lot more responsible. I still have charge of money but I would trust him now. I don't think he knew how to handle money and then once the problems started he buried his head in the sand and so it spiralled.
If the person can't see a problem then it could be more difficult. Is there a reason for the over spending?

I'm coming at this from the point of view of the overspender - I agree with HTruffle, if I were in a relationship with someone to whom it was very important that I didn't overspend, I'd give them oversight of my accounts. It would be better for both of us.

Take control of the finances? That's what I do with my husband. He hasn't done anything like this, he just doesn't like dealing with it all and prefers me to do it.

If you want to save the relationship, would it work if you took over ALL finances?
You would literally have to have access to all devices to check that he hasn't done anything and have all of his money paid into your account. He would have to manage on an allowance that you have agreed on.
I totally get where you are coming from, I would hate to live in fear of debt.

I think part of the problem is that he's always earned fairly well, so he's always been able to meet debt payments without too much trouble. He's never really had to hit rock bottom or been faced with bankruptcy etc. But if debt is there and on offer to him, he seems unable to help himself and just accesses it and spends it!

I'm not sure where it's going - he works in London and a lot of it goes on eating and drinking out. He has coffee, breakfast, lunch and sometimes snacks too when he's there. Plus daily Oyster card etc. He's very generous so will always be the first to buy a round, will offer to buy meals when eating with others and so on. I went away last week and despite us being split up he had called ahead and paid for my hotel for me before I'd arrived! That kind of thing. Just spending without thinking.

I have seen a relationship counsellor who advised against me taking control of the finances. DP hasn't actually even volunteered for me to do this though, it was my idea.

I wonder whether perhaps he does need to move out and try to get to grips with money on his own. Perhaps we could then make it work together in the future, I don't know

I've made it work, but only after he admitted he was shit at money and basically handed over all control to me. He gives me his share of all joint outgoings on payday then the rest is his to fritter away on as much pointless crap as he likes. It probably helps that unlike your DP he is not at all a high earner so can't get into lots of debt (though there is some!) as credit cards won't lend him much. What debt he has he doesn't hide from me, after a bit of shouting in the early days of living together.

Yes, it would be nice to be married to someone who was good at this stuff but it's a fairly classic symptom of his mental health condition and he really is doing his best so I cut him a lot of slack on this.

I think the important thing here is you've let him know this is big deal for you. You've given him 3 reasonable chances to resolve it over a period of time. He hasn't managed to keep his side of the agreement and has lied and hidden things from you.

I would therefore treat him like you would an alcohol or gambling addict. He won't change. Can you live with it? You've obviously thought about it a lot and your answer is no. Which is entirely reasonable. I think you'll have some short-term upset but long-term you'll think you made the right decision. And find someone you can have an adult relationship with where you're not doling out pocket money.

When I met DH, he was in quite a lot of debt, although could easily meet the minimum credit card repayments.

When we moved in together, I took over the finances (all money into a joint pot, equal spends). It's worked well since then and although I wouldn't say it's transformed him, having a particular amount to spend every month has really helped him.

However, it sounds as though your DH is more interested in spending than saving your marriage so sadly, I'm not sure if there's anything you can do about that.

I have been with my OH 23 years.

He was a total mess with money when we got together.
I took complete control of all our money.
His salary was paid into my account, he had no credit cards, no bank cards, no access to accounts. I would give him cash to spend.

He is much better now and does have access to accounts, I still make all the financial decisions, but we both have 100% credit score.

What was the therapists reason for you not taking control of the money?

I made it work but it was by taking control of the finances. DHs debt was a lot worse than he had told me and he just couldn't meet the payments. Now all the important bills are in my name, we have separate accounts and he transfers a set amount to me each month. What's left is his. He knows not to whine or whinge for more now to make impulsive purchases which actually he always regrets anyway. I manage our savings and any credit cards etc. However for it to work your DH needs to admit he has an issue and welcome that help. If he wont then there isn't much you can do. You also have to be happy to take that responsibility

I have, by doing as others have suggested and taking over the finances.

It's helped that he's the sort of guy he is - no embarrassment at letting me take over, seeing all his financial paperwork (even before we were together) and getting a financial advisor involved, being willing to let me say no to purchases. It's not been smooth sailing - he became deeply depressed a few years ago and spent money to make himself feel better - it all went on the credit card so he could let himself forget about it, meanwhile I was stressing seeing the balance get ever higher. But we got there in the end.

I do honestly believe he has trouble understanding money, and, from what I've read on this site I think it is a problem with some people. And it's not related to their mathematical abilities.

It can work, but you need to be willing to take control, and treat your DP as a child if necessary (which isn't a great way to be in a relationship, let's be honest) and he has to be willing to submit to you financially.