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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go to church when I don't believe?

23 replies

MsScribbles · 14/04/2019 22:04

Outing myself to anyone who knows me, but hey ho...

Currently I go to church most weeks. I was confirmed some years ago, but I honestly think my short lived faith was down to the hormones of being pregnant, wonder at the miracle of life etc. I made an active decision to believe, for a while.

These days something has changed. I still think Jesus''s teachings are on point, I respect those who do have faith, I'm convinced prayer for others can only be a positive practice, and I like the sense of community that church involves. But the bottom line is, I don't believe in the core tenets of the Christian faith- the virgin birth, the resurrection and so on.

I would stop going for church right now if it wasn't for my Grandma. Her faith is SO important to her and I currently go to church with her. She moved to my area a few years ago, and one of the reasons was because I went to the church here. She loves seeing me there, it is a valuable time for us to touch base and catch up. If I left, we'd lose that social 'appointment', and I can't always make time with work and family to see her as much in the week as I feel I should. Plus she'd be really upset if I stopped going/told her I didn't believe. She'd definitely judge me, put it down to my partner being an atheist, pray for my soul etc and that would wind me up.

Part of me thinks I should give my head a wobble, be true to myself and step away...

But the other part of me thinks I should just carry on going, for my Grandma's sake, even though I don't believe (and because I just can't face the awkward task of telling her I'm leaving).

AIBU to suck it up for the next decade of my life, practising a faith I don't really believe in?

OP posts:

Original poster

MsScribbles · 14/04/2019 22:05

She's in her late 80s btw

OP posts:

Neverender · 14/04/2019 22:06

Go for your Grandma. If nothing else, it's important to her and she won't be here forever.

SwedishEdith · 14/04/2019 22:09

I would imagine a big chunk of those who go to church or do churchy stuff go for the social side and don't believe really. If you enjoy it, I wouldn't worry about it.

Sparklesocks · 14/04/2019 22:11

It’s a kind thing to do, and I’m not religious myself but I’m sure your church would be happy you’re there even if you yourself don’t believe.

Weathermonger · 14/04/2019 22:12

Do you have to look at it as "practising a faith you don't believe in", but instead view it as an opportunity to spend time with a person you love ? You've already agreed that the basic teachings are on point, so you're not being hypocritical if you don't agree with all the aspects. Enjoy the time with your grandmother, and try not to overthink it.

moreismore · 14/04/2019 22:13

I don’t see why anyone should dictate what your ‘faith’ is to you. Modern religion is based on the record of a few men who could write... who knows what really happened! You are doing no harm and a lot of good for yourself and others by attending so I can’t see why you’d stop tbh! (If it matters I’m an atheist but like you adhere to core Christian principles)

cunningartificer · 14/04/2019 22:15

A lot of people who go to church don’t believe everything all the time (though what bits exactly they believe often changes )! Going for your gran is great, and the real core teaching of Christianity is love. I wouldn’t think twice about it.

Original poster

MsScribbles · 14/04/2019 22:18

Thanks for replies.

I suppose a more selfish way to put it would be: AIBU to prioritise getting my Sunday mornings back over doing something kind for my grandmother? In which case, yes I probably ABU

OP posts:

GoldenEvilHoor · 14/04/2019 22:18

This reply has been withdrawn

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MitziK · 14/04/2019 22:33

Just go. Not believing the stuff they say is fine - my job involves attending/working at a lot of church services and nobody's ever questioned why I'm there or whether I believe it. I'd also have no problem with attending church for DP's GM if we were living near her, as her faith is important to her but she doesn't get to go because she's old, fragile and has Alzheimer's.

After all, what's the alternative entertainment on Sunday mornings? If you don't have dogs or go to the gym, there's bugger all else to do other than trailing round out of town shopping or cleaning the kitchen, neither of which appeal in the slightest to me - a regular appointment to catch up with a loved relative, away from everyday cares, a bit of singing, a pretty environment, community and having the rest of Sunday to eat a roast and veg out sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Original poster

MsScribbles · 14/04/2019 22:33

GoldenEvilHoor, I’m really sorry to hear that. Can I ask you what your motivation is for going- family expectation or some other reason?

OP posts:

dinosaurtin · 14/04/2019 22:37

I go to church but don’t believe in it all. I used to many years ago and was a fully signed up member. After years of absence I go as I enjoy the connection with my community and actually find it a very relaxing place as I go to a church very similar to the one I grew up in. My DH is at work a lot and whilst my kids are in sunday school it’s one of the few places I get to sit and be peaceful/mindful. Go and enjoy the experience. We don’t go every week, maybe every 3 or so.

recrudescence · 14/04/2019 22:41

I don't believe in the core tenets of the Christian faith- the virgin birth, the resurrection and so on.

Provided you are attending a CofE establishment, you’ll be in excellent company. If your vicar is from the liberal wing of the clergy, it’s likely s/he shares your scepticism about all the supernatural stuff.

GoldenEvilHoor · 14/04/2019 22:41

This reply has been withdrawn

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oldfarmgirl · 14/04/2019 22:47

That's very harsh GoldenEvilHoor

OP, I am a churchgoer from a religious family that finds most of those key tennents hard to believe in and I'm happy with that!

You're not BU to want some of your Sunday mornings back, nor are you BU to still go to church because you like the sense of community and appreciate the common themes. Each person has their own way of interacting with their beliefs.

If you enjoy spending time with your grandma and don't mind church (but not every Sunday morning) is there a compromise to be had?

Could you alternate Sunday morning with Saturday evening? Or explain that 1 weekend a month you will be with your husband as a compromise between your two different beliefs?

Loopytiles · 14/04/2019 22:49

I wouldn’t devote that much time to any family member except my DC.

Loopytiles · 14/04/2019 22:49

And DH, perhaps

Letthemysterybe · 14/04/2019 22:56

Go for your gran.

LellyMcKelly · 14/04/2019 23:05

I’d go because it gives you time to spend with your gran. I don’t live at home, but when I go back I often go with my mum. Think of it as quiet time, time spent with friends, enjoy a bit of singing, and relax. When I had to go as a child I’d spend the time daydreaming or thinking about how do do homework. Unless you really need the time it’s only an hour every week or two.

brizzlemint · 14/04/2019 23:09

People who work as carers sometimes take people to church with no expectation that they believe in the teachings of the church and your situation with your elderly Grand isn't much different really is it? You are there to keep her company and that is part of what carers do.

7Days · 14/04/2019 23:13

Go. You're not actively opposed and you do have respect for a lot of the teachings.
It's nice for your gran

2rachtint · 14/04/2019 23:16

I go and don't believe really (wish I did but my scientific mind won't let me). I like the community, the peace, the prayers (or thinking of others), the singing and the morals. I enjoy it, I'm pretty involved in it and no one has ever questioned my faith. I've made a lot of friends too.

BackforGood · 14/04/2019 23:22

I still think Jesus''s teachings are on point, I respect those who do have faith, I'm convinced prayer for others can only be a positive practice, and I like the sense of community that church involves

So why wouldn't you go ? If you interrogated everyone, one by one, you'd find that lots of people are at all sorts of different points on their faith journey. Some will have lost some faith, and some will not have found it. There will be others with a blind, unquestioning faith - but I'm not sure that is healthy either. There will be those who have considered / studied / debated and made their own decisions about which part of Christianity are stories that illustrate a point.

As others have said, the chance to spend some peaceful time each week in the company of your Gran, with people who form a community you like, ought to be a positive thing. The fact you (like so many of us) lead a busy life, probably means you really benefit from an hour sitting still and just listening - great for recharging, even if you don't agree with everything that is said.

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