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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt by this?

46 replies

TheRumor · 14/04/2019 21:36

I don't know if I'm blowing this out of proportion, but it's really got to me.

OH works nights, one week on followed by a week off. Sometimes on the weekends he is working, I take DD and go and stay with my parents. This is usually Friday night to Sunday eve.

I do this mostly because it gives him the opportunity to sleep in the day without noisy DD, and it gives me the opportunity to enjoy some company.

Anyhow, this weekend he dropped me and DD at my parents house on Friday and headed off to work. He normally texts me pretty regularly when he's on shift, and he text me on Saturday morning at around 5am which is 2 hours before the end of his shift.

When it got to 5pm on Saturday, I text him to say hi and make sure he was awake for his shift. It stayed as one tick on WhatsApp, and when I called him it went straight to voicemail. So I called the house phone which rang out. I started to get a bit concerned. I didn't know if he'd got home okay after his shift or where he was.

I continued trying to call but no answer.

About 30 minutes later, with me fretting, he calls me to say he's up, had plugged his phone in but the charger was switched off at the wall, and that the house phone wasn't plugged in so it hadn't rang

He sounded very awake and alert. Said he was sorry to have worried me and that he was just going to eat then go to work.

At this point, I'm feeling like something doesn't add up, but end the call and get on with my evening.

As the evening wears on it's still nagging at me, so I text him to ask. He's really cagey at first but after a bit more coaxing he told me that he'd got up at lunchtime and gone to the football.

He's adamant he didn't turn his phone off on purpose and that what he said about the charger was true. He said the house phone was off. But all of this is secondary to the fact that he out and out lied to me about where he was?

I just don't get it? He's free to go to the football whenever he likes and he's just bought a season ticket for the next season. All I ever ask is that he tells me in advance when he is going to games so I can plan activities with DD around it (he takes the car)

Why have we now gone one step further and he's just plain lying about it? Or was he doing something else?

I'm just so hurt and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not?

Sorry for the long post

OP posts:

stanski · 14/04/2019 22:13

I don't see the problem with staying at your parents if anything it's great for their bonding with your DC, plus for you is someone to talk to. Being alone w kids all week long isn't exactly adult talk. However the lying would bug me big time

Dieu · 14/04/2019 22:13

I can relate, OP. It is nice to have a bit of company when you're on your own, especially if it stops the dreaded 'playing'.

sailorcherries · 14/04/2019 22:13

I don't think he lied or omitted anything. You were worried about him missing work and/or something bad having happened, he assured you he was 'up' not 'just up' which you assumed he meant.

A non issue.

LL83 · 14/04/2019 22:14

I would be annoyed.

breaks trust, I said to dh dont lie about the little things or I can't trust you if there are ever big things (he had a friend who lied a lot)
I am not such an ogre that he cant tell me he is going to the football. Lack of respect.

You are being too generous leaving the house all weekend, but if you prefer it then it's a good idea.

Original poster

TheRumor · 14/04/2019 22:17

@MrsJDornan I think this is the most likely situation! Bugs me that he'd think i would mind.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheRumor · 14/04/2019 22:21

@LL83

This is exactly it.

Thank you for putting it much better than I ever could!

OP posts:

Bookworm4 · 14/04/2019 22:22

Maybe he finds you a bit controlling with your texts/ calls when he's at work, texts at 5am? why? are you not asleep?
You need to know what he's doing so you can plan, you can't be alone, Id guess he feels you'll kick off if he does something for himself without your say so.
People who work nights don't need an empty house all weekend.
You need to be more independent and stop the checking up.

Original poster

TheRumor · 14/04/2019 22:28

I don't check up.

He text me a joke at 5am. Often sends random stuff as sometimes he is bored. I am more often than not sleeping and wake up to the texts.

I agree, I need to be more independent. I find it difficult being alone, but I don't control him. He very often goes off to do his own thing and I don't mind. I, too, will go and see friends who live further afield without him.

I do like to plan. But I don't think that's unreasonable when the alternative is spending hours on end alone with a 3 year old. Even if it's a trip to the shops or planning to go to the park.

I of course spend hours alone with often no comms with him when he is working and doesn't text. It really doesn't bother me, but I concede this snapshot of my life may indicate that.

OP posts:

Missingstreetlife · 14/04/2019 22:31

Stay home more, invite people round. Just go out for few hours but come home to sleep or for several hours in the day. Don't give him the idea you are not around. He can do what he wants of course but neither of you is a freeagent

Mythologies · 14/04/2019 22:37

@TheRumor for this thread to be moved to the Relationships board. There are good people on there who you can talk to.

Jakesmumandbump · 14/04/2019 22:37

He didn’t lie, he just didn’t mention the football. Maybe he was in a hurry or just forgot to mention it. I wouldn’t worry.

My hubby worked shifts and I’d go to my parents house with our children when he was on weekend shifts. Probably once or twice a month. It’s not odd, it’s normal. I’m very glad we did it now as my mum and dad have both passed away now. Please don’t let what others think put you off doing it, OP. I did it for the same reasons as you - the company. I have lots of lovely memories of those weekends.

NoSquirrels · 14/04/2019 22:44

What LL83 said.

If he lies about small things, you can't trust the big things. No one wants to live in an atmosphere where you have to second-guess yourself.

Either a) he felt guilty because you get out of the house to "allow him to sleep" but instead he's going off to the football when he could have been spending a few hours with you and DC, or b) he was doing something else that he feels guilty about.

Does he usually turn the home phone off?

Original poster

TheRumor · 14/04/2019 23:07

@NoSquirrels

I've never known him to do that before.

I found it odd because the phone rang when I called...I would have thought it wouldn't if the phone was switched off?

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 14/04/2019 23:10

Try it when you get home, then you can find out.

You do need a proper talk about respect and trust and how easily it can be lost, especially in the early child-caring days. What can seem an "innocent white lie" can become a habit so that you cannot trust anything. And without trust you're screwed.

StrippingTheVelvet · 14/04/2019 23:12

You keep saying you like to plan but how would him going to the football affect your plans when you aren't even there?

Original poster

TheRumor · 14/04/2019 23:18

@StrippingTheVelvet

It didn't in this case.

I was worried because I hadn't heard from him all day and his phone was off and I couldn't get hold of him.

As PP have said, he called me and let me know he was fine and getting something to eat. But didn't mention that he'd been out of the house for the past 5 hours.

Lie? Lie by omission? Non-event?

I don't even know but I'm still a bit hurt. And most likely an unreasonable wife.

OP posts:

DoctorDread · 15/04/2019 00:12

You're not unreasonable op. If it's out of character then you have every right to wonder why.

CeeCeeEnnEss · 15/04/2019 01:44

I stay with my parents once a month for the whole weekend during DH’s weekend night shifts. It’s impossible to keep DC quiet at home, and my parents have a brilliant bond with DC. Can’t believe any parent is so mean-spirited as to think there is anything abnormal about that.

CanuckBC · 15/04/2019 01:52

It’s odd that he would like about something as benign as going to football when he has seasons tickets. It’s weird he says the both phones were out when normally they wouldn’t be turned off- home phone, and his cell phone is usually on as you guys text each other frequently.

The fact he changed his story from I just got up to I went to football earlier is off. Why do that?

I agree, go to the relationship board. You will get more advice there.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/04/2019 07:49

I have a house phone that can be turned off but the caller can still hear ringing.

LynnTheseAreSexPeople · 15/04/2019 07:53

I'd also be put out that he lied, as there was just no need to.

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