16month old won’t eat, just wants breastmilk. Help!

[xmasbamechange]

So I’m fully aware this probably shouldn’t be in AIBU but I wasn’t sure where else to put it and tbh after a good 10years hanging around here the advice I’ve gotten in the past has been invaluable.

So older DC breastfed exclusively from me, naturally weaned off like a textbook baby and by the time they were 15months we’re off the boob. All a gradual and easy process.

Younger DD, not so much. I’m not sure what to do and I really hope someone will be along with some good advice. Weaning her at first was brilliant, she was an absolutely fantastic eater and started to reduce what she was feeding. All great. At about a year old this seemed to somewhere, somehow change. We are now back to multiple multiple feeds a day, she barely eats a meal. Loads of snacks but will not sit down and eat lunch or dinner properly. She has the smallest amount, screams to get out her high chair and then screams at me further for the boob. I give in because I don’t know what to do, I know this is probably wrong. I just wasn’t prepared for this, I naively thought that she would naturally just stop like my eldest. She’s still a great eater, will eat and try and anything but won’t eat a meal, it’s like she’s saving herself for the milk?! Has anyone had a similar situation? I need help!! Thanks.

The breast milk is stopping her eating. I'm afraid you are going to have to get tough and take the lead here. She screams because she knows you will give in. It will not be easy and will take a little time. Each meal she refuses will help her be a little hungrier for the next meal. Stick to three meals a day, stop all the snacks. Normally I would say no harm in carrying on breastfeeding but in this case, I think you need to stop

My daughter was very much the same. She would much rather graze throughout the day and then have lots of breast milk in between. At the age of 2 I had to put my foot down as she was still having 5 feeds from me in a 24 hour period.

I always offered food first and then If she wanted milk I would offer milk from the fridge or water.

Could she be teething/under the weather or having a growth spurt? Mine always wanted more in these cases. It was always a source of confort to her as well, not always just for food

So presumably this has been ongoing for a period of months/constant rather than being a short term thing in response to a cold or teething.

I think it's the same answer as when toddlers are filling up on bottles of cow's milk - you need to make it less of an option. Cut back on snacks somewhat and decouple breastfeeding from meals - she can have a breastfeed but not at lunchtime or instead of lunch - perhaps 90 minutes later instead. You just have to withstand the screaming and offer cuddles, distraction, water and food instead until things start to shift. It's ok for them to occasionally revert to feeding like a newborn for a day or two in the face of a bug or painful teething but otherwise. Hold firm.

It sounds like she needs and wants the milk, I would let her have it. It's still very nutritious for her, she will move onto more solid food when she's ready.

I had this problem with my dd. When she was 2.5 I took away the milk and she has eaten well ever since. Tbh I think what they get from the milk is nutritious so maybe just try to make the bits dc does eat really nutritious and take your lead from her. I think I over worried and looking back it wasn’t a big deal. I know that’s easy for me to say now though!

Orange juice. No, it is not sufficiently nutritious at this age. Although the iron is very bioavailable, it is low, she needs a much more varied diet now, especially plenty of fruit and vegetables. and preferably meat. She needs to stop suckling as the muscles for sucking are not the ones she needs to develop for good speech. Also, it is very possible her teeth will drift. Let her develop into a toddler in all ways. I could go on but it would not be kind

You just have to stop. It doesn't have to be a big deal. Just put her in her high chair and put some tasty finger food in front of her. If she makes a fuss then remove the food and let her down. When she demands breast milk just say no and offer her something else or distract her with an activity. She's bound to kick off big time but you are the adult so what you say goes.

I let my 14mo continue with one feed in the morning, one at night. Then dropped to once in the night or morning, then stopped altogether. Did this in the space of 2 weeks. He still tries to hold my boobs 2 months later but doesn't try feeding and will finally drink from his sippy cup.
DS will sit in his high chair and eat but seems to prefer walking around with food in his hands. DH wants him to sit, which is fair enough, but he definitely eats more when he's up and about so I let him do that when I can.

Confusedbeetle, I would love to see evidence-based research for your comments!

There is no problem continuing with breastfeeding until you both want to stop. However, it may help to reduce feeds and I agree with PP that breastfeeding at separate times rather than at meals may help your DD eat more. But she isn't going to like it!

Can you go on a weekend away and let DH handle it for the weekend, to break the back of it? Then once she is off the breast milk, tackle the switch to meals instead of snacking all day

Doesn't actually sound like you have a problem? She snacks and has breast milk. As long as her snacks are nutritious and she's growing as expected everything sounds fine to me. I wouldn't ask on AIBU though because too many people will be anti breastfeeding an older baby.

How is she eating if she’s had painkillers? I’m completely biased though because I put a lot of trouble down to teething. People perceive pain very differently and it must be awful for babies/toddlers if they struggle with it - it’s so constant.

DS was similar, we had to get tough and refuse milk till he'd eaten. We were spurred on by DSis (consultant paediatrician) who told us about a 1-year-old she saw with severe anaemia and a whole host of accompanying problems due to the same issue. It was bloody hard but needed to be done.

The WHO recommend breastfeeding until at least 2. Like PP said breast milk is incredibly nutritious. It is still an excellent food for your DD.

I would not worry too much about a one year old breastfeeding quite a lot. She is very young. It sounds like she is eating solid food. It might be that she is a grazer so she will not eat a full meal yet. Is she growing and developing well?

Just my opinion and experience. My two breast fed until about 2 and a half.

My DS was exactly the same. Wouldhappily have the odd snack but when it came to meal times. He would just refuse and was extremely fussy. He was boob obsessed and would want to feed throughout the day and night.
He only really started to eat properly when at 17 months I had to go away for 3 nights and i thought enough was enough with the eating habits. He just wasn't going to ever naturally wean off. So we went cold turkey. DH had a couple of rough nights when I was away and when I returned we had a few bad days where he thought he could get me to change my mind. Then it was over. He had a bottle of cows milk before bed and started eating properly. You just have to be strong and Ride it out. It is tough though.

its a little known fact is that their appetite can decrease in the 2nd year as they're not growing so quickly as they did in their 1st year. I think it's also normal for them to want to graze a bit which I don't think is a problem as long as it's healthy. or try making a platter of healthy things for lunch and let your dc graze from it for a bit.
it may also help to Google toddler portion size. it may help to know how little they can eat and is still deemed normal.
re breast feeding it's up you to decide what you're comfortable with but agree separating them from meal times at this stage is probably key. personally I limit my 13 month old to 2/3 times a day. usually just 2 and I try to give him a little milk from a cup so he gets used to taking that for if I'm not around and for when I decise to stop.

or even when I decide to stop

Thank you so much everyone, some really helpful advice. To answer a few...
I’m quite happy to continue, I don’t really have an issue with one or two feeds a day (maybe morning when she first wakes at 6 and evening before bed) but I don’t want her on the boob all day at this age but I feel like with her it’s a bit all or nothing so I get the feeling I’m going to have to go cold turkey and stop. She’s also started wanting to feed all night again so I feel like it’s just getting worse. The other problem is that because she’s technically relying on milk to fill her up at meal times the feeds are ridiculously long, it’s like having a newborn again.

The snacks that she grazes on I make sure are good as I’m conscious that she isn’t eating meals. So things like fruit, veggies, chicken, cheese etc.

Just to gauge a general opinion do people think it would be possible for me to stop doing it all day apart from first thing in the morning, before her nap and then last thing at night without it being to stressful for her or do you think I should just stop all of it. What I would then do is cut one of those three out in a few weeks (probably the morning one) and then work on the other two.

I think it's fine (and better for both of you) to carry on bf, DS is still going strong at 21 months and would feed all day if I let him. He still prefers milk to anything else, but I won't feed him within an hour before lunch or dinner and won't feed him milk unless he eats properly. It was a pain to begin with, lots of tantrums, and DH had to be in charge of meals where possible (since that way milk wasn't an option) but it worked.

xmas DS really struggled while I was weaning but as my PP said he's fine now. It's not done him any harm. I did try cold turkey but with my PND I just couldn't cope with it so that's when I went to the gradual dropping of feeds.

Even if you do it over a period of weeks or months, the gradual change may help. It's up to you to try cold turkey.

I think it's definitely possible to drop feeds to the frequency you want, and no need at all to stop cold turkey as that doesn't sound like what you'd ideally like to happen? Obviously if you felt it was time to stop, it would be different. With my son (3rd child) at 18 months he was just feeding morning and night, but we kept it up until he was 3 years old because it fitted in well with everyone's needs.

Google both 'nursing etiquette' in terms of the general length of feeds, and 'spacing feeds with toddler'. I seem to remember that the kellymom website had some good info on finding a schedule that works for everyone. Obviously, when your little one is ill / teething heavily / something unusual happens, the schedule goes out of the window again ... but I just followed the same steps to space feeds out again once it was finished. Sorry I can't remember exactly what the steps were (son is now 6!) but it involved distraction, giving other drinks, putting up with a few tantrums and making mealtimes exciting e.g. picnic rather than sitting at the table, but also fairly short and sweet so that we had something to do immediately afterwards. I separated out breastfeeding from meals altogether because it worked for me but I think there's lots of other ways to do it too.

You have my sympathy OP.

I have a 20 month old and it’s only over the last 2 months (maybe even less) that he will eat a meal. He’s incredibly picky and it’s difficult to get him to try new foods - it’s really hard work and there was a time where I was frequently in tears over it because I just didn’t know what to do to get him to eat.

He’s still breast fed, probably 6 times during the day and twice overnight.

I’m relieved that he’s now eating much better, will have three meals a day and snacks, but things were so, so difficult at one point.

I know how frustrating and stressful the whole process can be. People used to tell me not to worry about it or make a big deal out of it etc but easier said than done isn’t it?

Op there’s a great book ‘my child won’t eat’ by a Spanish paediatrician somebody Gonzales. I think you’d find it really reassuring, about how little some kids actually eat at that stage and about trusting that kids naturally seek out an appropriate nutritional balance. It sounds as if you facilitate this well with the range of snacks. However if you want to drop some of the day feeds, just go for it and be firm. It won’t be confusing to still do morning/night feeds, after a few days protest he will learn what the new rules are if you are consistent. When I night weaned my first I was so worried about traumatising her by removing her go to source of comfort, but I soon saw that she was angry at being refused, but not upset, iyswim. Kids adapt so much more quickly than we expect usually and it’s us with all the fears about change!!

Unless you cut back the breastfeeding you’ll be stuck in that cycle.

My daughter didn’t really eat any solids until we night weaned her at 13 months (because I needed sleep and because she was staring nursery and would need to eat something whilst away from me). It’s quite common for breastfed babies to prefer boob. She’s now 22 months and eats really well and just breastfeeds once a day at bedtime.

Unfortunately you’re going to have to get tough and refuse the boob if you want her to eat. Do you have a partner who can take over mealtimes so that you and your boobs aren’t there to tempt her?