Marriage at 60 - Help!

[chat4england]

Hi all, I am hoping someone out there can give me some help please! Husband nearing 60 been together 22 years married 15. Both busy with careers so no kids, I got extremely ill 7 years ago which has caused me to stop working and havent been able to find a job since - really difficult for women over 50 it appears... so my life suddenly ground to a halt. OH still working often abroad for months at a time (I think he deliberately takes on the work to be away from me). He is distant, unkind, uncaring & extremely selfish in all ways. Due to my illness we stopped being intimate a long time ago & I have to sleep in another room due to my insomnia (caused by the illness) which doesnt help our relationship I guess. Every night when he is working in the UK he comes in, asks whats for dinner and then when he's eaten he goes to his man-cave and stays there until bed time. By the time he comes to bed I have been sleeping so get disturbed and then go off to the other room as I am wide awake by then. He does nothing around the house (doesnt even take the rubbish out!) He has become more and more angry as he has got older & I met someone who said it might be low Testosterone as this is one of the symptoms, so several arguments later he reluctantly went and had a blood test. The outcome was low Testosterone so GP said to go back 3 months later & have another test so that if it was still low he could talk about medication if required. the results are due now but OH says he cant be bothered to go back to GP so all of that was a waste of time. Also it demonstrates to me that he isn't that bothered about our relationship & how he treats me. I told him it would be nice to spend time together but whatever I suggest he says he's not interested in & then on the once in a blue moon occasion he will take me out (like a dog) for a coffee & as soon as we have finished, he takes me home so that he can get on with whatever he wants to do next. I feel like I am a lodger come housekeeper, not a wife or partner or anything to him. I have tried to live with this for a number of years but recently it has started to bring me down, often I cry to myself and feel quite depressed even thought I have found things to do on my own. Today I made him a lovely sunday roast and as soon as he had finished he anounced he was going out for a motorbike ride and didnt know when he will be back. Yesterday he was out all day on his bicycle with a team of people (originally he told me it was just for men as I did ask if I could join in) then I found out last weekend that ladies do go out as well.... so now I am a bit cross to say the least and it just confirms that he doesnt want anything to do with me. I have looked at buying a small property to go to when he is angry and upsetting me but due to the cost i cannot do this. I am not physically strong enough to contemplate leaving him & selling up at the moment so really feel stuck, alone and very unhappy. Has anyone else had this situation and how have they coped / how are you dealing with it all? In desparation, thank you for any assistance...

60 isn't that old you know - it's never too late to change things.

In your position I would start to live my life more independently - my own social life, my own plans, and stop planning around him. (Separate rooms if that's an option.) All part of preparing to leave him. You can do it.

I've seen other couples cope with it by an emotional separation. Separate bedrooms (no more disturbance), plan their life as if the partner doesn't exist. In some cases it has worked very well - one couple largely ignored each other but went out to coffee once a week, and 10 years down the line they are much more of a couple. Another couple didn't do anything to maintain the connection but still seem to be jogging along OK.

The way you describe it, it sounds as if he has already emotionally separated from you but you still want to be with him. That's the real problem here. It's difficult for you to exclude him emotionally and get on with your own life if actually you want to be closely emotionally connected with him.

Ditto Display

Time to get living lass!

Sorry to hear you're having such a horrible time.

Haven't been in your situation at your age, as I was divorced in my early fifties, but I was very lonely for most of my marriage and so understand what you're talking about - my exh also never spent any time with me.

Your loneliness and unhappiness won't improve until you're out of the situation and the relationship.

You don't say what your health problems are and they sound severe so perhaps it's not helpful to say that if there is any way that you can find someone to help you get divorce proceedings underway, in your circumstances, I would make every effort so to do.

You're very stuck and he's clearly not going to change anything so basically it's up to you, very hard I know.

I hope you find a resolution.

Thank you all for your kindness - I think you have re-confirmed what I have been thinking (and feeling!). It has given me reassurance that its not just me having stupid thoughts or being ridiculous & yes, I know deep down that I need to make some significant changes! Just need to get some planning done.... thanks again for your time x

So sorry you are doing through this OP. It sounds as if you have tried your best. Being lonely in a marriage is one of the worst kinds of loneliness.

It seems your options are more of the same or change. Do you have friends or family in a cheaper part of the country? Could you look at buying somewhere with a view to take on a lodger or operate an air BNB. I know someone who divorced in her late fifties, trained as a dog behaviourist and now has a doggy day care business where she looks after dogs in her home whilst their owners are at work and she has dogs stay in her home for weekends away/holidays. Its never more than four but she has a busy life and an income.

aw love! I'm 56 and no way would I live like this, I would much rather be alone - to be our age and be crying alone is just not right. look at your options (you do have some) and decide how the next 20 years are going to look like. I am sure that economic security is a big factor, but your last 20 years could also be so much happier without the drain of this man on your mental health.

If you do ever need it, well my parents operated and there is supported housing available for over 55s and quite easy to apply...

separated I mean. kind thoughts

This really isn’t a marriage in anything but name, OP.
What happiness or satisfaction does it give you? What does your husband contribute to the joy of your existence?
If he vanished in a puff of smoke, what if anything would you miss about him? Or would you just feel hugely relieved?
If you can’t find any reason to stay with him, then it’s time to plan your escape. I don’t think he sounds particularly happy in the current set up either.
Why not have a proper discussion with him about where you both go from here? You might both be happier having separate lives and/or the chance to meet a more compatible partner.
Good luck, OP. I hope you find a peaceful resolution that leads to a happier future for you. God bless.

Here is a link to some info about sheltered housing if it may suit you. My dad has a nice brand new flat with it and it's good for independent living too. especially with a chronic illness.

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/housing-options/sheltered-housing/

You can even search in your area as well.

www.gov.uk/apply-for-sheltered-housing

You are absolutely right Babdoc - i am sure that he is as unhappy as me but is unable to discuss anything without having a tantrum or starting a shouting match so I am very much left to trying to work him / things out myself. Makes life so difficult. On a daily emotional roller coaster!

Thank you Home77 - I have found my local sheltered housing info from the link you sent - very helpful. Its good to know I have another option right now... everyone has been so kind.

Come on OP, you're not old at 60! Obviously your health isn't the best so you're a bit restricted, but this man is dragging you down. He doesn't want a relationship with you but it's all such a hassle to separate, isn't it? You'll have to take the initiative yourself, or you could carry on like this for the next 20 years!.

In the meantime, haven't you got DC, or friends who you can spend time with and have fun with, and who can give you moral support??

Singlenotsingle - most of my close family are deceased, no kids so am limited. I do have friends who try to support me but they are all a lot younger & don't really understand my situation. I spend a lot of time at a leisure club but after a while I just have to go home where I am then reminded of what a sad life I am leading. (sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, but I'm not, I just cant see a way through all of this.) If I still had my career I would have left years ago & got on with my life but feel that I missed the boat on that one, so now have to pay the price...