AIBU in this situation with my child's father?

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Going to try and keep this factual. I am beyond frustrated and have been for years due to his actions. I need the advice of others for a true opinion on whether I'm being unreasonable.

Here's the facts -

• He has recently lost his job due to driving under the influence and so his £30 a week child maintenance payments have stopped, which to be honest, although not ideal, can't be helped since he isn't working but the thing is, since january, he and his new girlfriend have taken about 3 or 4 weekend trips away. He says his girlfriend pays for these trips and they were booked before he lost his job but he obviously will have to take spending money and also he knew he was losing his job months before he was officially dismissed as court was looming.

• It is his weekend with DD and so he took her to a party at a soft play yesterday. I called DD this morning to see how it went and she mentioned that her dad never bought a present, just a card. When I spoke to him he said he had just got a card and stuck a fiver in it. I think this is completely thoughtless for a 4 year olds birthday, and I felt embarrassed that she had turned up with just a card! He said he had no money, but he knew he could have asked me as id rather pay than have her turn up empty handed - his response was that next time I should make sure I provide a present if that's the case !! - I am not sure if I am being unreasonable here and it's not a big deal - but it really bothered me!

• His last weekend that he was meant to have DD, he ended up going away for the weekend with his gf so I kept DD for the weekend and swapped nights during the week - not a problem. But then he had asked me last week if I could have DD one night this weekend for him so he could do yet another activity with gf. I said no and he said it's fine, I'll ask my mum. I kicked up a fuss that he really should be making plans on days he doesn't have DD and he said it's good for her to spend time with his family. He has her 10 nights a month, why can't he free up those nights? DD has met his gf loads so why can't they make plans that include my DD? And do things themselves when he isn't meant to have DD?

• Finally, he booked two weeks away over the summer, without even consulting me and without DD. When he initially told me after he booked I just said ok but after further thinking I thought hold on a second, he just booked a two week holiday without even checking that I'm okay to cover his days? His parents are going with them so there is no one else to watch DD so what if I had plans? He just totally has no respect for my time or thinks that I may have a life. I could NEVER book a 2 week holiday without considering my DD. Infact, I wouldn't want to take a two week holiday without her! It just infuriates me. I asked why he wouldn't take DD as she'd enjoy the holiday and he said he wants time alone with just him and his gf but he gets that every month without eating into his time with DD!

Probably sounds like the ramblings of a crazy woman and sometimes I feel that way after dealing with him but just wanted to know if I am being completely unreasonable about all these points as he thinks I'm unhinged and difficult.

Thanks

My DS dad is like this. Always has been and live a good 4/5 hours away so sees him even less. Hes now pretty much NC and my son is starting to see him for how useless he is and has been.
It sounds like you're talking to a brick wall (as I have many a time!!)

It's not on but just know your DD will know in the future it's you that she can depend on for anything. Sorry I haven't really got any helpful advice except thinking of you OP.

He should've checked with you before booking the holiday, to make sure you were ok with it/free to have your DD.

Apart from that I think it's ok, although I'm a little confused about the birthday.

Did he turn up empty handed or did he put money in a card as a gift?

@WorraLiberty he put a fiver in a card as a gift. I just think it's thoughtless, couldn't he have went to b and m and got a small gift for £4.99 and then she would have walked in with a present for him. Also no Mother's Day card etc received for Mother's Day, for me or for his own mother so just another example of how selfish he can be.

He says his girlfriend pays for these trips

I'm afraid it's none of your business if she is subsidising him . Thats the short and sweet of it. Her choice, irritating though it may be.

DD has met his gf loads so why can't they make plans that include my DD?

Because his GF, who you have described as 'new' has no desire to subsidise another person and no desire to be a de facto step mum

I take it he isn't paying for the 12 week holiday? why should his new GF be paying for your daughter to go on holiday? I wouldn't have my holiday dynamic ruined, shes not the childs step mother

Other than that your points about time and being pissed about are valid.

I have the same issue except my ex dumps his kids on the gf and goes out with mates. I am the unreasonable one who thinks they are there to see him and not his gf.

Unfortunately I don’t know how you go forward. I have had ten years of this and still people look at me like I am wrong for suggesting he should stay in on his time. Even when we went to a counsellor for my son and my son had to do a list of what mum and dad like doing.
Dads listed things like like going on holiday on his own etc.

Money in a card is what I do so I can’t criticise.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. My major concern is he under influence when he is with your child.

I think YABU really.

The present although not perhaps thought of too much its still a few quid in a card and the parent might be delighted with it.

The consulting you before booking anything is perhaps asking too much. While I understand he should have his DD as a priority I dont think a couple of weeks away on a holiday is such an issue. If you were worried about the time he would be away from his DD then surely say to him can he make more of an effort immediately before and after going.

You do seems very angry on it all and also very involved. This wont help your DD.

Sometimes I think being the bigger person is the way to go. Trying to keep things on a pleasant level if possible for the sake of your DD, no matter how frustrating or wrong you personally think his actions are.

I would suggest removing from wanting to know all about your ex and what his life is now like and focussing on the DD you share. Trying to open a good line of communication so that she still feels comfortable.

He sounds very selfish.
The party I would forget about it’s a non-issue .
The child payment (pitiful) however he’ll need another job and that should resolve that problem.
The holidays etc he’s being a lazy , ignorant father... you can’t control it so just ignore it.
You sound like a wonderful mum who is trying to facilitate and help foster your ex and dd relationship.
You can only do so much, take a step back,get your thoughts out and then leave them there.
Don’t let it make you bitter, your daughter will than you in the future

YANBU. He's acting like a big brother not a dad. He thinks you should do all the responsibility and hard work and he'll just play with DD and take her out when it's convenient.

£5 in a card is pretty standard for kids parties, if the kids aren't best friends.

Swapping contact arrangements can be good if he does the same thing for you when you make alternate plans but it does sound very one sided.

I don't think it's sensible for 'new' girlfriend to be making plans including your child just yet. It's his responsibility to make alternate arrangements for his days and I don't think his mum babysitting for him is a bad thing either. As long as it's not something he relies on all the time.

All sounds like other mums I know who's ex sees taking care of their children as a woman's job though, mums/gfs can do the work and money is a sore subject as always.

@WorraLiberty he put a fiver in a card as a gift. I just think it's thoughtless, couldn't he have went to b and m and got a small gift for £4.99 and then she would have walked in with a present for him.

And others might think you're thoughtless for buying 'tat' from B&M that'll end up in landfill.

I think you need to pick your battles and that part at least isn't one of them. Just as him not getting his own mum a Mother's day card isn't either.

It's frustrating but these sound like general deadbeat dad issues that realistically you will not be able to change and equally you'll drive yourself mad if you attempt to. Live your life with your DD and try not to let his decisions bother you.

No