BF and depressive/withdrawn episodes

[Athenieas]

I really don’t know if IABU I just know I feel a bit shit.

I’ve been with my BF for just over a year. We live about 70 miles from one another so I tend to stay at his 4 days a week as I can work partly from my laptop and only have to go into my office two days a week. We have talked about me moving in probably at the end of the year and I’ll let out my flat.

We love each other and get on well although the main challenge in our relationship has been a slight mismatch in how much affection/romance we like (he is more reserved and unaffectionate whereas I’m the opposite. He shows his love in other ways though, really important ways, and I accept and appreciate that)

However every few months he will get very stressed with work and withdraw further into himself. It freaked me out the first couple of times as I took it to mean he was losing interest but it never lasted long and he reassured me that that is just how he gets sometimes and it’s no reflection of his feelings for me.

This time however it’s been 6 weeks. When we’re together it’s like he’s just not really ‘there’ and sex and the little physical affection that is normal from him is completely absent. He still wants me to come and stay every week even though I’ve offered space and when I’ve questioned if he is still happy with me he is upset that I should think he’s not.

I try to be as supportive as I can but I also have some stressful stuff going on and I’m feeling quite shut out and isolated, emotionally and physically. He has admitted that he normally ‘snaps out’ of these episodes more quickly than this.

I of course have compassion and sympathy for how he’s feeling and if I could think of something that I could do to make him feel better I would do it, but nothing seems to help.

I just don’t really know what to do. I don’t want to make it all about me but is it unreasonable to feel like it should be a bit about me, and do I just persevere and hope things get back to normal? Has anyone had experience with how to deal with someone who suffers, like him, with this kind of thing?

We have spoken about how we see a long term future with one another and he is a very good, trustworthy, intelligent lovely man so I really would like to find a way to make things work.

This situation is not sustainable at all. Has he tried to talk to a professional about it? It’s not fair on you to just have to put up with it. Imagine you had children in this scenario and he wasn’t able to support you because he was having one of these ‘episodes’.

Hi, thank you, no he hasn’t spoken to anyone but I’ve suggested it so he might. It only normally lasts a week or two so it seemed manageable before but this time it’s not going away as quickly. It’s very much work related (or at least completely coincides with work stress) but I don’t think leaving his job is an option unfortunately.

Runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

Honestly, a year in is so early in and if he is doing nothing to change it will almost certainly get worse. You get so little out of this dynamic

Ok. Maybe I need to step back for my own sake then.

My partner is very unwell at the mo but is being proactive and taking on everything that will help. Yours has been living this life for a long time - it sounds fairly awful to be on the side and as we both know it is very isolating and leaves you feeling unsupported. We will get through this in our relationship because of the better times ... what if this just becomes more and more about him. Where are your better times? Really important to put yourself first -it’s not selfish to meet your own needs