How to help daughter deal with overbearing friend?

[shitholiday2018]

My daughter is a gentle soul. She has a friend who is very confident and loud and obviously great fun. We happened to be at the same soft play this holiday and I happened to overhear an exchange. They’d clearly fallen out. This child was shouting at my daughter and my daughter was kind of mute. My daughter just kept saying ‘I don’t know what you mean’ in a quiet voice. She isn’t quiet but she’s not into conflict - at school teachers say she’ll avoid it and go play with someone else if any argument arises.

Eventually after shouting a lot the other girl burst into tears and ran up to her mum. She was shouting so loud I could hear across the room her saying ‘x is being horrible to me’. My daughter was a bit bemused but said it happened when she went back to playing with the kids we came in with instead of this other friend. So the other child bursts into tears and says my DD is being horrible because she’s not getting what she wants.

DD says it happens a lot. I asked if she could say in future ‘that’s not right, I’ve not done anything wrong’ and my daughter said ‘I couldn’t do that because she’d get angry with me.’ They are only 6.

My question is, how do I equip my daughter to deal with this kind of drama queen manipulation without slagging off the child? She is a child. I know she is pandered to and that’s not her fault. But I don’t want my daughter to feel she’s in the wrong just because someone ‘tells’ if they don’t get their own way?

Any ideas?

I would encourage less time together outside of school (if they attend the same school) and curtail the play dates a little. Not so much so that it is obvious but enough to give your child breathing space between play dates. Also, I would talk to your daughter about how she can respond to these situations rather then focusing on the other child's behaviour or labelling it. I would encourage your daughter to follow her own thought patterns and if something doesn't feel right or comfortable then it is ok to simply walk away from that situation/person and occupy herself with something or someone else. I would stress to your daughter that she is not doing anything wrong and if someone else is upset that is their problem not hers (so long as she hasn't done anything direct to cause the issue in the first place) and I would reinforce to her that no one has the right to make her feel bad and all she needs to do is let that person work their issue out for themselves.

Also explain to her that true friends would not want her to feel sad or fearful of their anger towards her when she has done nothing to deserve it. If she has other healthier friendships, subtly steer her towards those rather than focusing on this particular one.

Lastly, try reverse tactics. So when a situation happens, put your daughter in the shoes of said friend, 'if this happened to you darling/if you were in this situation, how would you tackle it?' Hopefully this will help your daughter to see in a very simple way her friend is being manipulative and unreasonable.

You sound like a great mum, keep listening to her and reassuring her that she is doing nothing wrong.
Good luck.

Oh that’s really helpful DM, thank you. I like the reverse tactic - how would you tackle it? I can see how that might encourage her to articulate stuff herself without me ‘planting’ it.

Luckily they aren’t that close and DD has a couple of really close, more gentle friends who she spends most of her time with. I suppose I was unwittingly exposed to the secret life of 6 year olds and didn’t much like it!

@shitholiday2018, you're welcome :) I use this same tactic on my kids and it seems to make them stop and think.

It's hard when our children are exposed to uncomfortable situations but you're doing the right thing by supporting her through it, talking to her and ensuring that she knows she's done nothing wrong. Lots of time with her lovely friends is definitely the way to go.

I was quite worried about my 6yo a few months ago as she attends a tiny school and the one girl she was close to seemed very manipulative- she had two friends and would constantly favour one or the other so the one she hadn’t chosen was left alone. Dd was sure this was her only friend and upset by it but I encouraged her to play with other children, even when they weren’t doing something she would necessarily choose herself and she feels much less vulnerable now as the other girl has no power, dd can take her or leave her!

Sorry I realise my post is not really relevant since your dd already has plenty of alternatives. Definitely enjoy the lovely friends she has.

No thats helpful whynothow. I think you’re right that other friends are really important. My Dd Did say that her two other besties ‘wouldn’t do that’ so she’s obviously thinking about it herself too.
I think I’ve missed the boat for these tactics this time (24 hrs for a six year old is a lifetime!) but I’ll keeo in my armoury for next time.

I’m always bemused why parents pander to their kids in this way. I always presume that my child’s version of events is one of three: her version, friends version and the truth. Lots of other mums take their child’s words as gospel. In this case, the child in question assumes they are right because they aren’t told otherwise when they burst into tears and ‘tell’. Such a shame as it doesn’t help them to be popular among their peers. I jnow this child doesn’t get invited back much and you can see why. It’s really sad for her.

I have this situation with my daughter and her bff.
But they are now 10/11 and it's still going on.
In the end I got my dd to involve school because it was a constant drama of the other girl crying and then being horrible to my dd when she chose to speak to someone else. The other girl had a full on meltdown and got other children involved when my dd had another girl round to play. It was ridiculous.
School were great though.
I did speak to the mum a couple of times about it -we're friends so I felt I could. I wasn't mean or critical but I just said that my dd wanted to cool things a little (she was constantly invited round) and have a chance to meet with other girls and her dd seemed to be finding that hard - maybe she could have a word to reassure her dd that they were still friends even if they didn't spend every playtime together.

Little bluebird how did the mum react to that approach? I know the mum and she’s lovely but utterly blind to her kids, can see absolutely no wrong.

@shitholiday2018 how did the other mum react in your OP situation?

You need to roll play until some things become automatic

Get DH or a friend to be mean - and then you step in and say - you’re being mean leave X alone

It does work

I would say that the mum in my situation is a little blind to how annoying it is and does indulge her dd. But she did talk to her daughter about it.
And she backed off from the constant demands of playdates. (I believe they originated as demands from her dd that she was giving in to.)
I was fairly casual about it but just laid out the facts e.g. my dd likes your dd but sometimes wants to play with others. Your dd is not happy about that and is making my dd feel like she's not allowed to have other friends.

Mine was a tricky one in the sense that as they were older and it was also happening at school then school were involved. But my dd was letting me know what was going on and her dd wasn't. So I had the fact that it was coming out of the blue for her. Her dd was sobbing for an audience at school and my dd just felt awful so kept caving. But thankfully she began to listen to me and school also realised what was going on so we're working on 'being kind doesn't mean always giving in to what the other person wants'. I don't want my dd to be less kind but neither do I want her to be a doormat. :)

Oh, and what DM1209 said to help your daughter.
I encourage mine to remember that their feelings are valid too.