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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend Acting Distant

24 replies

MushuPorkyPig · 13/04/2019 23:22

Ladies, I am really at a loss. My boyfriend of a year and a half has gone distant on me...very nearly in the blink of an eye. Approximately 2 weeks ago, we talked, and there were no red flags at all in the conversation. Nothing about being stressed at work. Nothing about stuff going on personally.

Then, he suddenly just stopped reaching out to me, and he would reply when I contacted him, but he was putting forth very little effort into reaching me. The last text conversation we had (Thursday), I found out he had a pretty stressful situation going on at work. I haven't heard from him since. I want to give him space, but a part of me is worried that there is more to the story.

I also found out that he deactivated his Facebook account, which he was never active on anyway, so I didn't even really notice it until I went to look.

AIBU? Should I give him space? Should I cut things off now?

OP posts:

aibutohavethisusername · 13/04/2019 23:46

Thursday wasn’t that long ago.

When did you last see him? I think you should at least arrange to have a drink/coffee and chat.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/04/2019 23:55

He might still be on Facebook but have blocked you I’m afraid, can you ask a friend to check?

You’ve been together for a year and a half - I think you’re entitled to ask wtf is going on.

Original poster

MushuPorkyPig · 14/04/2019 02:34

I agree that I am entitled to know wtf is going on.

Actually, I sort of went off on him about the whole situation, and probably took it a bit too far. But, when he reached back out to me, he didn't really mention my rant, nor did he go into any detail about what's going on with him.

OP posts:

PawPawNoodle · 14/04/2019 02:44

So you 'went off on him' to the point where you yourself say you took it too far, but are confused as to why he doesn't fancy making contact with you?

Greeborising · 14/04/2019 02:55

What’s all this ‘reaching’ business?
You’ve been in a relationship with this guy for long enough for you both to be honest about what you’re feeling.
Talk, don’t text

Alicewond · 14/04/2019 02:56

If you’ve been together this long, then yes there’s something wrong. If he’s ignoring you it’s either because you’ve broken up and don’t yet know it or you should be really concerned about him

Original poster

MushuPorkyPig · 14/04/2019 03:12

When I say I "went off" that may have over-dramatized it. I didn't curse at him. I didn't call him names or give him ultimatums or anything of that sort. It was more or less me going on and on about how he could have been dead for all I know, and how I don't expect much from him and him keeping in touch isn't asking too much. It was going off, in the nicest way possible.

Agreed....when I contact him, it will be a phone call next time, and not a text. I just dunno whether to give him his space for a bit or face it immediately.

Alice...he's not necessarily ignoring me. When I text him, he replies. He has just dialed it waaaay back on him initiating.

OP posts:

Alicewond · 14/04/2019 03:20

@MushuPorkyPig I’m sorry but this doesn’t seem like a lasting relationship.

Lolipop44 · 14/04/2019 07:13

Any chance he has depression or something? You say he's going through a stressful time at work. Men sometimes aren't very good at opening up so be patient with him it may not be anything to do with you or your relationship maybe he's just a bit down and stressed out with other stuff. People suffering from depression do tend to go very withdrawn
Hope everything works out

clockworklime · 14/04/2019 09:25

Does he live on his own?

Original poster

MushuPorkyPig · 14/04/2019 13:42

He does have depression, yes. He has characterized it as a low form of depression. I'm going to be very honest....I didn't even know about it or even suspect it until he told me a few weeks ago. He can be sarcastic and grumpy and stuff like that, but I attributed it to him just being a grump.

It's never affected our relationship before; looking back, I can see that there have been times he has been less perky during conversations or sounds tired during phone calls. And, I know that depression is hard to understand, because sometimes, people can seem perfectly okay, and be completely in a bad way. And, maybe his low depression has evolved or escalated. Or maybe the work thing is causing a flare up.

He does not live on his own. He has a roommate.

OP posts:

LynnTheseAreSexPeople · 14/04/2019 13:51

After a year and a half I think it's very odd that he can't just tell you if something is going on. Have you straight up asked him why he's suddenly distant?

TapasForTwo · 14/04/2019 13:59

Have you checked whether he has blocked you on Facebook?

Samind · 14/04/2019 14:03

Is there possibly someone else OP? Does he maybe just need some time to himself?

I used to go with someone who had severe depression and it was very difficult at times too.

When you spoke to him about it, did he have much to say?

Original poster

MushuPorkyPig · 14/04/2019 16:06

I have not straight up asked him, no.

I did state that I thought I had been very patient with his need for space or whatever he was needing, and he needed to respect me enough to be in contact with me. His response was that we would talk the next day.

And, we did. But, it didn't get brought up. He didn't bring it up from his side, and some friends of mine had convinced me that I was being smothering and that he had every right to pull away considering I was pushy...so I was just doing damage control instead of bringing it up.

OP posts:

Original poster

MushuPorkyPig · 14/04/2019 16:16

Samind,

Sure, I am sure there could be someone else. There haven't been any red flags or anything, and up until this point, I had no reason to suspect that there was another fling going on. But, at this point, I have to acknowledge that all possibilities are on the table.

How did the severe depression thing work with you guys? Did he go radio silent for bouts at a time? Shut you out?

OP posts:

Samind · 14/04/2019 17:24

He would be up all night and sleep all day. Didn't work. Complained about everything and had no interest in maintaining friendships or hobbies. Just wanted to be with/speak to me all the time. To the point it was a bit obsessive. Or he would be hyper critical of me etc and apologise days later citing depression for him being an arsehole.

It is very hard being an ear sometimes! Why would your friends consider you being pushy?why don't you give him time to get in touch? I think maybe you should have time for yourself. As in go see friends or cinema or something for you. Let him get in touch! It's hard to know what to suggest. You do deserve to have so answers though. It's not as if you're going out for 2 weeks.

Original poster

MushuPorkyPig · 14/04/2019 20:54

Well...as I was giving him space, he did finally message me, asking how my weekend has been going. Then, the dreaded words:

Can we talk?

So, I called him, and well...no reason to beat around the bush. He broke it off.

OP posts:

ShinyMe · 14/04/2019 21:03

How do you feel about it?

letsdolunch321 · 14/04/2019 21:05

Your instincts were right .... sorry OP💐

Day at a time

Original poster

MushuPorkyPig · 14/04/2019 21:50

I'm numb. No tears (yet).

We discussed remaining friends and remaining in touch. We discussed getting together at some point down the road. He said we could leave the door open. That may have been a lot of bologna or hot air.

More than anything, I am sad to be losing a friend.

OP posts:

TapasForTwo · 14/04/2019 22:18

Pandaponda · 14/04/2019 22:41

So sorry to hear that OP. Hope you are ok. At least you have an answer and not stressing about what the issue could be. Sending 💐

Original poster

MushuPorkyPig · 15/04/2019 00:35

Well, Panda, yes and no.

The answer was sort of a non-answer. Nothing really specific. Just that he just couldn't do it anymore. He mentioned "not feeling it," but there were numerous things that he talked about that it all seemed to boil down to one thing...we were both on the same page, we were both clear on where our relationship stood. It's just that I could handle it, and according to him he couldn't.

OP posts:

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