To ask if I could/should do anything about SIL’s eating disorder

[itsgoodtobehome]

Currently staying with the ILs and DH’s sister came over too. She has had a gastric band fitted for quite a while. However she has found a way around it by eating until she is full, then going to throw up, then eating more. Repeating this a few times each mealtime. As a result the band is making no difference and she has put on quite a lot of weight since we last saw her a few months ago. She also chooses to eat large quantities of really unhealthy food, which totally defeats the point of having the band.

The ILs seem to be in denial of this and don’t say anything. I think something needs to be done - this is not a healthy way to live and if she carries on doing this, it’s going to have a serious impact on her health.

But is it my place to say anything? Or do I mind my own business?

Mind your own business

Only discuss with DH, but likely you will have to mind your own business. And it's unlikely you will be able to help her unless she wants to help herself.

It's none of your business.

She'll be well aware that she has a problem. What good do you think raising the issue will do?

My DDs MIL burst hers by doing this, and ended up making herself very unwell.

It's really sad that no one is acknowledging this, OP, because silence is just enabling her to think this behaviour is normal. Are your DH and her close that he could just say he's really worried about her?

I kind of know how you feel. I have a very overweight SIL, but she is also in denial about it. She's 40 and it it's effecting her health and has for a while now. I dare not say anything as I know already she just gets very upset if told she shouldn't be eating so much.

You cannot help some if they don't want to be helped, I'd just be there to support your in-laws as I'm sure they will need it when SIL is ill and needs help.

Have the ILs made any indication that they have noticed it?

Really, if it were me I'd be scoping out who would be an appropriate person to raise this with.

Does she have a significant other or friend?

Regardless of her weight, throwing up after meals has health implications across the board and she deserves help.

It is her problem and hers only. I wouldn't say anything.

It's hard to mind your own business though when you see someone you care about damaging themselves. I'd probably talk to my DH about it to see if he felt concerned enough to intercede. I actually do think that this is the kind of "business" that concerns families.

I think you should say something, apart from the fact she has had treatment on a very overstretched NHS to get the band put in, it's clearly not helping if she is still stuffing her face to fill up then vomiting. She now has 2 eating disorders. She needs to go get help and those around need to intervene before something happens to her.

I know someone who had their band removed as wasn’t adhering to the eating plan at all. Shame as they are a heart attack/diabetes in waiting.

I think it's easy to turn your head and ignore it, but actually, I think I'd try to address it with her in a kind way. Like not telling her what to do but maybe nudge her to seek help.

I can understand why you are worried but you really can't say, or do, anything

What are you actually thinking of doing about this? I'm sure she knows that eating, vommiting and then eating more is not normal behaviour. How are you going to ensure that your involvement does not just make her feel worse about it than she already does?

Does she tell you that’s what she’s doing or does she believe she’s doing it discreetly?

If it’s the former then I think it’s okay to tell her that you’re really worried about her and ask if she wants to dicusa it. She may well be hoping someone does raise it and offer support.

If she doesn’t discuss it I would say nothing.

Does she have follow up appointments with the surgeon or a dietitian?

Eating disorders are not really any different from other mental health conditions. Raise it with her gently let her know that you are worried about her and be there for her. Eating disorders are usually emotionally driven and are a way people deal with emotions that they can not handle or to try and gain a sense of control where they feel they are out of control in other areas. If you don't feel able to speak to her can your DH or another family member. Although it can be uncomfortable and awkward what most people with a mental health condition need is support. Don't tell her what support should look (I.e. diets/ healthy eating etc.) like just let her know you are there to support her