Ex in laws

[youmakemyheartsing]

Not really an aibu but posting for traffic, how often do your ex in-laws see your children?
Going through a horrible break up and all's ex mother in law can say to me Is " when can she see dgc? It's been2 weeks ( because I need space to find else where to live etc ) but you'd think the world had ended and I've been accused of stopping her seeing dd!
FWIW we've split because of ex mil I couldn't deal with her nasty comments and ex p not doing anything about it tia xx

Grandparents are not 3rd parents that get custody arrangements.

You should concentrate on getting formalised access sorted with your ex, that's where you need to focus. Any facilitation between him and his parents is his responsibility.

You need to signpost his parents to him.

One of the bonuses about him being an ex is that MIL is now his problem to deal with. Personally I'd send her a polite message saying that you're busy sorting out stuff from the split, she should talk to her son about future visits, then mute/block her.

Frankly you have better things to be doing than running around after her expectations.

You can support her relationship with the kids in future once you're able, but the coordination/mental load/responsibility is your ex's now.

She needs to go through her son not you. Tell her that. If he’s not sorting things to make it possible, to paraphrase a popular MN saying: she has a son problem not an exDIL problem.

You don't have to let ex set foot in your new home, yes he should take DD out regularly/have her overnight but keep him away from your home.

Thankyou for your replies I was expecting to be told iabu, she has been quite sneaky for a while and I've got to the point i can't take any more but I'm finding it really hard not to be rude to her about it all xx

toucantoo little and often visits can be used by a ex or exGP to control situtions. It could work if DCs come first and there is flexibility, but as I found out for years it can mean DCs are exposed to more negativity.
I was blocked from holidays with and without DCs and told by ex it was his right to have the same every-other-evening pattern but not over-night, he was with OW and I was told I could not move on. Court agreed DC come first not a controlling or demanding parent, clear blocked time can be fairer and calmer time, with phone calls in-between.

OP, I was fortunate that I had a row with my ex-witch. She said she would still keep my key and as before enter my home when she wanted to, I disagreed and was able to argue and block contact. In your case you could phase out contact...grey-rock, be busy...keep saying "have to go, we have visitors", "other phone ringing..." etc.

Good luck

Hi OP. It there a reason why you’re the one moving out?

Wouldn’t it be easier for your ex to move out rather than uproot your DD from her home?

Thankyou for your replies, ex put in a huge deposit for our home and said that we would split what we've made which would be around 6000. I don't have a job so couldn't carry on with the payments, also it's always seemed like his house so I don't think I'd want to xxx

ExH lives with his parents so they see DD EOW when she's there

Mil is now making it all about how upset she is because we've split!! Xx

I'd tell MIL that the only reason you're splitting is her behaviour towards you and your ex's inability to shield you from her toxicity.

My parents split when I was a child, and I’m really glad that they did everything they could to keep things amicable for me and my brother. They spoke to each other regularly to make arrangements for us, keep each other informed about what was going on with us. We both lived with my Dad, but he encouraged us to have as much contact with our Mum as we wanted (we had different arrangements with me just speaking to her on the phone and seeing her during visits, my brother stayed with her most weekends). They have both been welcome in each other’s house (my Dad and Stepmum hosted everyone including mum this Christmas, my mum and her partner are having everyone round at Easter).
Our contact with our extended family, including grandparents didn’t change. I am particularly close to my Nan, even as an adult living 200 miles away I speak to her every week, and would have been devastated if one of my parents tried to reduce the amount of time I get to spend with her.
I know that there are always circumstances when a harder line has to be taken. But wherever possible isn’t it better for children to have the best possible relationship and contact with their whole family?