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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To still be avoiding contact with this person?

8 replies

dingdongdahlia · 12/04/2019 08:45

I met a guy when I was at uni. This was in a totally platonic sense and he was a little bit... intense. He was always saying that things we did as friends etc were "the best days of his life" and, looking back now, I have a sneaking suspicion that he perhaps has undiagnosed ASD. I also have a feeling he is either gay or perhaps asexual, but because of certain cultural things he would never open up about it.

He was lovely and a good friend but he would have these "blips" where I would get hectic middle of the night calls that he was wandering around a bad area at night and everything was shit etc. Making me panic that something would happen to him. It was always such an extreme pressure to be "bestest bestest friends" and to be honest I found it really tiring.

After leaving uni I moved from the area and met my husband. He would randomly jump on the train and turn up at my house. He'd never been to my area before but walking around the town with me his mum called him and started shouting his cousin had phoned her and that he was walking around with a "white prostitute" Hmm

Anyway, a few of these visits and I became very tired about the whole thing. He even burst into tears and cried a number of times about the "beauty of the places we showed him" when he visited and we took him out in the car (effectively to wear him out like a child).

When my mum died I had a really rough time and I remember being with my bf (now dh) as he phoned having another crisis when I had been sobbing over my mum, thinking "he's not even asked me how I am..."

I decided then and there I couldn't do it anymore and went no contact and effectively, and I'm not proud of this, ghosted him.

Over the years he's tried to reach out to me on social media claiming he misses me and our friendship, some of the best days of his life were spent together, he wants to see me. I've never replied.

Last night I got another message (first in about two years) saying it was ten years (yes, ten years!) to the day we did x, y, z. How it was one of his best memories and he would give anything to see me and my husband again. I feel awful, he effectively doesn't see that he did anything wrong and although I tried to explain his intensity was too much and I had my own things to deal with, I wonder if I've been too hasty.

Dh doesn't like him very much and supported my decision to cut off contact. I know that he wouldn't be keen to introduce him back into my life and my kids lives. He would be the kind of person who would surprise us with a trip to Disney Land all paid for with him coming along kind of thing and as lovely as a gesture like that would be it's not something I'd want.

Aibu to keep ignoring his messages? I've blocked him in the past and he's made new profiles. I know he's effectively complete harmless but I just feel awful that he doesn't know what happened but even going to explain it to him opens that communication up again and I don't think I can deal with that level of intensity again.

OP posts:
mondaylisasmile · 12/04/2019 09:00

Holy crap OP, what good would he bring into your life?

You don't sound like you gained anything from the friendship, it sounds exhausting. I'm wondering why you let this man take so much from you in the first place + why you didn't enforce better boundaries.

Block him again and run for the hills!!!

mondaylisasmile · 12/04/2019 09:02

And FFS don't try and open up communication to say why - you don't need this intensity in your life, you owe him nothing, explanations or rationalising it for him isn't something he sounds like he'll respond to well.

CupcakeDrama · 12/04/2019 09:05

have you posted this before?

dingdongdahlia · 12/04/2019 09:16

No, not posted this before. And thanks, my gut says no and it's the first (and pretty much the only time) I've ever done this to someone but at the time I was mourning and it was like having a psychic vampire just draining all my fucks. I remember the particular moment so clearly and after speaking to him on the phone my now husband said "pretty out of order to unload like that one someone who's just lost their mum". He had called saying he was drunk and being accosted by some guy in a bar and that he thought he was going to get assaulted. Meanwhile I was 150 miles away and couldn't do anything at al. It was probably all bullshit but it just left me feeling i couldn't help and if he was getting himself into daft situations like that it was not my responsibility.

I let him take so much of my energy st the time because I was a bit lost and alone myself. My parents had sold up and moved abroad, I was broke and I didn't have a lot of good friends and support. Looking back now I was a bit naive and totally a walkover but by putting my foot down it was actually the first bit of control to sorting my life out. I just feel bad that he's obviously still dwelling on it all ten years later.

OP posts:
LonelyTiredandLow · 12/04/2019 09:26

OP stay away - don't get emotional over him. I am sure you probably did have some nice memories and you find yourself wondering if you over reacted. Please don't! I have had a similar situation, albeit not so intense perhaps, with a guy who I knew for about a decade. He wanted a relationship and I kept saying no, would try to drop out of his life but he'd pop back up and say it would be fine being platonic - he could be just friends. He couldn't. His version of friendship wasn't normal. It ended with him posting a gigantic rant about me on my own FB, some private issues mixed in with lies and half truths. Basically he tried to 'out' me to everyone on fb in a vitriolic rant. Why? Because I disagreed with him that Hilary Clinton should be given the death sentence. Yup, he was completely gone. Luckily I have many good friends who stood up for me, but it was a real eye opener. I had thought I was being kind, accommodating etc keeping him in my life. I see now he was never going to be normal around me. He has since messaged several times, like your guy, saying he misses our friendship. He never ever apologises. I honestly don't miss the pressure. Yes I still remember some fun times and chats, but the overwhelming feeling is relief. Please trust your gut.

Piffle11 · 12/04/2019 09:33

Follow your gut - this person will bring nothing good to your life. I certainly wouldn't want him anywhere near my DC. The stuff you mention about him being in scary situations - this is certainly bollocks - he is trying to worry you into caring/getting back in touch. I used to work with someone like that: if he couldn't get people to want to socialise with him, he would try and get them to feel sorry for/worry about him. He will never change and it will never stop. Any minor high points from your previous relationship are massively outweighed by the bad. Most toxic relationships have at least a few happy times, and focusing on the good is why a lot of people remain in toxic relationships, whether with friends, family, or partners. Do you really want this person forming any sort of relationship with your DC? No way!

Catchingbentcoppers · 12/04/2019 09:43

YANBU. I have a friend like this. We had some great times and I miss her sometimes, BUT, I will never have her in my life again. So much drama, so much intensity and it's just too much.

She left me a message about 5 years ago now and I had the phone in my hand to ring her back but decided to wait until I thought about it. When I did, I realised how anxious even the thought of talking to her made me feel. Do not go back there OP.

LuluBellaBlue · 12/04/2019 09:43

This persons an energy vampire 🧛‍♂️

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