To feel guilty for not feeling guilty?

[NewAccount270219]

I'm sort of thinking as I go here but was wondering if other people feel like this. DS is 9 months and I went back to my full-time job as an academic when he was 6 months - DH is currently on shared parental leave, though back at work soon. I've just been away at a conference for the past couple of days and was met with a lot of sympathy and concern about how difficult it must be to be away from DS. I did really, really miss him but I didn't find it the terrible ordeal everyone seemed to expect. It pissed me off slightly because one of the men there had a 5 week old and he'd come from the US and so was away from home for a week not three days and he got none of this. Meanwhile, my phone has been constantly buzzing with my NCT group discussing going back to work, and how about half of them aren't at all, and no one else is working more than 0.6. Obviously that's great if that's the right decision for them, but they all talked so much about how guilty they felt for working at all and how thinking about leaving their DC for the day made them cry and I started to feel like there was something wrong with me. I love DS so much but I don't feel guilty for working or sometimes being away from him. Do other people feel like this too?

Thanks again.

Just to be clear - I don't think the women in my NCT group are being insincere, and I certainly don't think they're trying to upset me - they're just having a conversation that is highly relevant to them but a bit hard for me. One of them has just decided to take a big demotion at work so she can go back very hard time so understandably she needs reassurance about that, and it's been a lot of 'you'll never get these days with them back' and 'what career could ever be as important as your baby?'. As I said, I find this hard to read - but it's absolutely not about me, and I know that rationally.

Op i could have written that Exact thing. Except different field of work. I don't feel guilty working full time. I always have loads of fun when I am working away. I fet no guilt changing jobs and having longer hours. My kids are happy and healthy. But sometimes I wonder if there is something g wrong with me because I don't feel guilty.

If it makes you feel any better they'll be finding themselves on the end of conversations that make them feel just as insecure - especially if you're a professional woman there's widely held scorn for women who actually love the baby phase, enjoy maternity leave completely, and downscale their careers post children - there is a lot of pressure to somehow become a mother and not let it affect your work or your priorities IN ANY WAY, the constant exhortation to "get your life back" which can be very frustrating when as far as you're concerned your life has changed enormously, for the better, because you wanted it to - and then everyone pities and patronises you rigid, or expresses lots of faux or genuine concern that you are "losing yourself" in motherhood rather than becoming yourself. So they're almost certainly not having a pop at you.

No, it doesn't make me feel better that they might be having conversations that might upset them too, and to be honest I think your comment does some of things that I think are both upsetting and just generally really unhelpful - setting up this dichotomy between women who 'actually love the baby phase', 'think their lives have changed for the better' and those who work in professional jobs. I have to say I didn't love the newborn stage but the stage DS is at right now is brilliant, and I think my life is 1000 times better for having him in it, I just also work and sometimes spend time away from him. It's not an either/or.

@NewAccount sorry you are feeling this way. I’ve been there although I’m a few years in now which makes it a lot easier (kids are 3 and 5). I found the worst of it that everyone assumed I was part time and looking shocked when I said full time like they were judging me for it.

I’m still one of the very few that is full time. What I find unsettles me most is when those that do it too take a step back as it’s “too much” and “you never get this time back”. That is when it comes back as a feeling of “should I be as ok with this as I am”?

Not sure that is helpful other than to say it’s normal, try not to compare yourself to others and remember men don’t get this sh1t!

I went back to work when mine were four and five months old respectively and they went to nursery pt. I could have quite happily gone back ft but felt I would be judged. Quite honestly, I enjoyed my days at work much more than being at home, but never told anyone. Now teens, I am so glad I did. No regrets at all, and the DC are fine. My pension looks great too!

Don’t feel bad at all. I do work part time but to be honest my job keeps me sane and reminds me of who I am.

Everyone’s different.

@Newaccount I set up no such dichotomy. You are extremely defensive, which I think may be the main issue here. I loved the baby phase; I work in a professional job and spend time away from my child. So that would be a very strange dichotomy for me to set up wouldn't you say? You are the one seeking to suggest all these women are the same and you are the only "special" one in your group who doesn't have angst about returning to work, which I think is quite reductive in itself - their situations and motivations will be diverse and complicated. Maybe they would love to be at work more but for whatever reason don't feel that's what's best for their child or their family. Maybe they love being at work but still feel sad not to be with their baby. Maybe they hate work and would rather be SAHMs but that isn't economically viable for their family or the quality of life they want for their child. It's not a stereotypical case of "surrendered earth mother" vs fully developed multifaceted woman with a professional career. You are the one trying to set up a dichotomy (one which sees your approach as the more challenging, complex and judged one unsurprisingly).

Personally, I think if you are a really happy with the choices you have made in the situation you have, how others feel about theirs should be a matter of supreme indifference to you. The fact it isn't and you come on here suggests the need for validation of your choice, which is odd given how content you claim to be with it.

I went back earlier than you op. I earn more than OH. I'm fine whith it mostly. But having colleagues say to me "oh I don't know how you could leave them so young" cheers for that. Well you know, food, bills etc

Don't feel guilty

I went back to work when DD was 1 and was met with, "Oh, don't you miss her?!" It was like there was something wrong with me for goi g back.

"No, no...I'd much rather be at work with you bunch of twats!"

Thanks again for the supportive posts

Please don't feel bad!

I think people say that kind of stuff because it's sort of a cliche. They're trying to be caring/empathetic about how you might be feeling and not realising that everyone else is saying the same unoriginal thing, and that it's making you feel like there is an expectation you will react that way.

I think your reactions sound totally normal and healthy. The fact that you're not just a mother takes nothing away from how awesome you are in that role. Having had a mother who was ridiculously controlling and over-invested, I actually think some balance is good for you and for the baby.

BTW, I think it's brilliant you've used the shared parental leave arrangement.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. I think some women are just really competitve when it comes to being a mother.

I really felt like telling a friend of mine where to go recently. She gave up work while pregnant with her first (personally I think she was just looking for an excuse anyway) and has since had a second and is now pregnant with no 3. She informed me recently that she doesn't believe in having kids and then going back to work and "farming them out to some baby minder"
She's only lucky enough to be able to stay at home because her poor DH absolutely works his arse off to support her.

Mute the group for a little while. Neither of you are wrong about how you feel but if the groups is making you unhappy at the minute you are allowed to drop out for a bit.
Mums aren’t a hive mind you can all feel differently about going back to work and still be perfectly good mums.

I felt the same. I skipped back yo work after 8 months.