Ex DP & new job

[Kittyclaws]

Hi all, might be a long one so apologies! So this is not really an AIBU, it's more of a WTF do I do and say.

I split with exDp around 8 months ago, we have a 4yr old DD together. he has bipolar and borderline personality disorder so does/did not work for the last 3.5years. He lives around the corner from me with his parents, we share time with Dd equally (3 nights one week, 4 nights the next and so on). I work full time 'office hours' with adjustments to accommodate picking up DD from nursery on my days with her.

He messaged me this morning to tell me that he was starting work next week and would be working weekends nights plus some nights in the week. He has basically stated that he "will help where possible" and "will obviously pay child maintenance if I cant have her that much". The current arrangement means I have her weds night to the weekend, with us alternating Saturday nights, which works perfectly. He hasn't asked my thoughts on it but is telling me that this is how it's going to be so get used to it basically.

To me, it seems like he is setting the scene for me having her 80% of the time, whilst working full time. He says he has taken into consideration the impact it will have on me but in reality I don't think he has and I don't think he cares really.

I know that he needs a job and to move out of his parents house and it's great that hes feeling stable enough to do this, its progress and a step forward for him but I feel it is coming at the expense of his time and relationship with DD, and also selfishly that it's coming at the expense of my life.

I haven't fully replied to him but I have said that i understand that he needs to work but that what he is expecting is unreasonable, unfair and not equal. I have also asked that when he picks DD up we have a discussion about this.
I'm just asking for advice really on how to approach/deal with this as I don't know what to do!

He'll have to sort out childcare for his working hours like every other parent does surely? It's great he's found a job but that shouldn't be your problem to solve.

Unfortunately, I dont think that there is realistically anything you can do about this.

He can't be forced NOT to work. How likely is it that the job will last longer than a week or two? If he has been out of work for a while, he might find it difficult and quit.

I have no suggestions, I'm afraid, except that if he is not having his children 50% of the time he needs you be paying proper maintenance.

Use the money towards childcare, maybe?

It's a bit shit that he has not taken his responsibilities into account when applying for job, but short of dumping your child on his doorstep and walking away, there's not much you can do.

I would be thrilled to get the extra time with DD and arrange to split the childcare costs between you.

You can't expect him not to work, he need to support himself and his child and working is a great role model for children.

Was he a SAHD whilst you were together & is now having to find work to house & support himself?

Then he needs to find, organise and fund childcare like any other parent for the time he has her. Quite simple, really. Will his parents be available to help?

So what would you have done if he had been working full time when you split? Something would have to have been sorted so it’s happening now rather than when you split. It’s a fact that majority child rearing falls to the mother when parents split, just look at all the posts on Mumsnet. CAn his parents help? CAn he contribute to childcare after school

He stayed at home with her because he couldn't work due to mental illness. After we split he moved in with his parents. They cannot help as they split their time between here & Europe, and our DD is not their responsibility. I feel it should be up to him to sort this out rather than him seemingly leaving it to me to fix, like I did with everything when we were together.

If he had been working when we split we would have come to some sort of fair arrangement, but what he's wanting essentially means that he will see DD one evening, possibly two after nursery a week. Which isn't fair for her.

He could get a different job as he is well educated and has a lot of experience but hes falling back on this line of 'security' work as it's the easiest option for him, but the crappiest option for his relationship with his dd.
Slight drip feed but he has another child that he hasn't seen for the last 8 years and I'm worried that that's where this is heading.

It sounds like you'd be best planning your life around you having your DD for the majority of the time, especially given his history with his other child.

You can't enforce a parent to take their child. My ex went through the palaver of getting court ordered access and even then I couldn't force him to take our girls for the time on the order (although I was legally obliged to make them available should he deign to turn up).

Just tell him he has to sort out childcare on his days. Full stop.

As your dd is 4, she's at school or will be in September so everything changes childcare wise. Can he parents help at all until then? Once he's got a month or so of work under his belt and it looks like he can cope and it will last then working out sharing childcare costs is the way forward. He had to take the job that would have him given his work record

Yes but the problem is he’s working nights so what kind of childcare can he pay for / buy in? It’s also not his house so having a night nanny / au pair would surely depend on his parents.

He stayed at home with her because he couldn't work due to mental illness

He could get a different job as he is well educated and has a lot of experience but hes falling back on this line of 'security' work as it's the easiest option for him

So if his mental illness was so severe, that he was unable to work for 3.5 years (rather than to be a SAHD specifically) I can understand why he’s going for the “easiest option” now as a way to ease himself back into work, hopefully as his mental illness improves, he’ll look for other work.

but the crappiest option for his relationship with his dd

Not necessarily, it’ll be worse for your DD in the long run if he pushes himself & rushes back to a job he doesn’t feel ready for & has another mental illness set back for another 3.5 years.

I understand why this is frustrating for you but he’s been out of the workplace for 3.5 years due to mental illness, you’ve now broken up & he seems to be trying to put his life back together by getting a job, offering child support etc. Unfortunately mental illness is not something you can just snap out of.

Slight drip feed but he has another child that he hasn't seen for the last 8 years and I'm worried that that's where this is heading.

Well you chose to have a child with him knowing this.

Unfortunately mental illness is not something you can just snap out of.

This^^ DP and I both have BPD and it's not as simple as just find another job. I've been through lots of jobs because of my mental health and have only now found one I can cope with. I think it's great he's found a job. Not so great the responsibility falls on you but really considering the circumstances what else do you expect him to do? You say you'd have worked out a fair arrangement if he'd been working when you split so why can't you do that now? It's unfair to expect him never to work and / or just magically find a job that works perfectly with your current arrangement.