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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Too many friends and stag dos

39 replies

Vagessence · 11/04/2019 16:55

All my DP's friends are suddenly getting married and having stag dos abroad. He's on a pretty basic salary so we're not able to save much each month, if anything at all. We share our finances and have about 10k in savings which I brought into the relationship from my own savings and a small inheritance. So far he's spent around 1k on a couple stags this year and a wedding abroad. There are talks of more stags and weddings next year. I don't want to be a killjoy and I know we have savings but I'd rather keep them for other things... WIBU to ask him to consider not going to all of them?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/04/2019 17:47

Well that unanimous and I agree. The £1k already spent didn’t come from your savings did it?

Jumbo2000 · 11/04/2019 17:47

You’ve found yourself a right user there!

MrsXYZ · 11/04/2019 17:48

So basically you’re paying for him to fly off to watch strippers. Lovely.

Coffeeonthesofa · 11/04/2019 17:50

There is usually a couple of years in most couples lives when lots of friends and family are getting married so it’s not unusual to take a hit financially at this time, but why are you letting him spend the savings ( even if you do consider it joint money) what if you needed this money for a real reason, not for getting pissed, and you didn’t have it? £1k is a lot of money and he wants to spend even more, if he really wants to go on these stag do’s he should find a way to earn the money for it, look for a better paying job, not always easy these days I know, or take a second job for a while. That’s what he would have to do if you hadn’t bought this money into the relationship.
Tbh you both seem to have different approaches to money management, I think you need to talk seriously about this as an issue going forward with your relationship, the old cliche is still true, money issues cause more relationships to break up than anything else.

Shoxfordian · 11/04/2019 18:09

He definitely shouldn't be spending your savings you brought with you on stag dos
If he wants to go then he needs to finance it himself

rosablue · 11/04/2019 18:32

Move your savings into a personal savings account before you mention anything about this to him so he doesn’t have a chance to remove any himself.

Then tell him what you’ve done and ask him when he’s going to put any of it that was your share of the savings back into the account - so say he had put in £500 and you had put in £10,000, he would need to put in your £500. Then you need to take your £500 back into your personal savings and only put into joint savings the same as he does (he can also have personal savings too) so that you both get to use your own personal savings for personal things like stag trips and joint savings for joint things.

If he thinks he has a right to use your savings for stag trips you need to look very carefully at your relationship to see how much he is using you overall and if that’s acceptable.

Just out of interest, who first mooted having joint savings (and other?) accounts? And if he were to get a £1000 windfall, would he be happy for you to use it on day a girls holiday or hen party without him getting a look in?

ForalltheSaints · 11/04/2019 18:35

Is he a person who hates saying no?

Original poster

Vagessence · 11/04/2019 18:37

I'm a SAHM to our two kids which we both decided would be the case. Don't people join finances when they start a family? We're getting married, just haven't gotten around to it yet. Anyway, we've had a chat and he has begrudgingly agreed to not take money from our savings. His parents still give him money for birthdays so he's going to spend that instead (much to his disappointment).

I do see how childish the above looks by the way. We had a bit of an argument over it but he's calmed down now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Vagessence · 11/04/2019 18:40

And to address everyone saying i should separate my money.. I do see where you are all coming from and I know I am in a bit of a shit position if we break up. I guess I just thought because we'll get married one day, it's fine to just live as if we were married now.

@ForalltheSaints he does hate saying no to people. But in this instance he obviously doesn't want to have to say no, of course he wants to go abroad and get pissed!

OP posts:

llangennith · 11/04/2019 18:45

No people don't always 'join finances' when they start a family. Obviously you'd expect to support each other but the savings were yours before you met and you should have kept those separate.
You have children together and you've agreed that you will not work but will be a SAHM.
If your relationship breaks down and you are not married you have no prior claim to your £10k if it's in joint names.
Put your own savings into your own savings account and start a joint one also.

Coffeeonthesofa · 11/04/2019 18:50

Just a thought that might strengthen your resolve to talk about money issues properly. Will you be able to afford your own wedding if he has spent your savings on going to other people’s weddings? No doubt he would want his own mega piss up stag do. ( I know you don’t have to spend a fortune to get married, just people get carried away) Even a lovely small family friendly wedding with simple catering will cost something.

Motoko · 11/04/2019 19:35

No, don't put your savings into a joint account, not until you actually are married, and even then, you should keep a healthy amount in an account in your name only, in case you need it.

Until you're married, you are very financially vulnerable, especially as you've given up work to look after the children. Your pension will take a hit due to that, as well as any career progression, whereas his is all fine and dandy.

Make getting married a priority. You don't need to have a big wedding, and spend £1000s, and it will help make you more secure financially, and give you legal rights that you don't have if you're just cohabiting.

This is REALLY important if you don't want to end up, up shit creek without a paddle.

Loopytiles · 11/04/2019 19:47

Wake up OP!

Being a SAHM when you’re not married is a shit plan.

MissBPotter · 11/04/2019 19:48

No people don’t join finances like you have if they start a family. Even if married they don’t necessarily. I agree your own marriage should be the priority here. There are loads of threads of women like you who lose so much because they planned to get married, then split instead. If they’ve been a sahm for a few years it is really problematic for them. Please do some research.

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