AIBU regarding step DD and spending time with her

[bettydavid1972]

Hi,

We are having issues regarding SDD and her mother. To preface, I understand SDD is her mother and should, of course, always be considered in matters with SDD when she stays with us.

SDD goes to a local school, and at present does one week with us and one week with her mother. This is a recent arrangement since we moved nearer to be nearer to SDD.

For context, I have a DD aged 4, SDD is 5 and me and DH have a new six month old baby. Regarding our family in general, it's stressful sometimes as it is with any family, but our DD's get on well and I really think my SDD is a wonderful girl.

However, an issue has arised. DH has his own business, and normally only requires working from Monday-Friday. A new client has popped up which will require DH doing weekend work. Hence, every other weekend I will be looking after my SDD ONE weekend day, for about 5/6 hours.

I have no issue with, likely she'll just play with my DD and it won't be much extra work.

However, SDD's mother has said that DH has DD so he can look after her, not me.

So AIBU to be potentially looking after SDD by myself one day a week?

Mother cannot have her as she works EOW and we need the money.

Thank you.

The ex cannot dictate how your DH works.Most unreasonable of her, and she needs to suck it up, IMHO.

Also worth adding that this year DH is going on holiday with SDD and ex wife (separate rooms, I have no qualms about anything happening between them) as SDD had issues (understandably) with her parents splitting up and this idea helped.

Last year, his ex wife came on holiday with us. Writing this out it sounds weird, but it was best for SDD and the past year she has been a lot better when things between her parents are friendly.

If mum were sitting at home, I would say send her home. But if she’s working, it’s really up to your partner to sort care on his time and if you are that care, there’s nothing to be done about that. If she remains adamant, she will end to sort suitable care herself.

It's true that contact is for dd and her dad.

But if he needs the work and so does the mother, then bearing in mind dd is there a whole week at a time, every other week, it's not the end of the world because it's not like she isn't seeing her dad.

And the weekend work might not be forever, and I'm sure the extra money will benefit his daughter too.

The weekend work is for three months as it is a contract. A lot of our business and income relies on word of mouth and good reviews, as well.

If it's proper 50/50 shared care neither parent has any say when child not with them

Your dsd has every right to be spending the time with her sibling even if df isn't there.
If you were packing her off home because you didn't want her there with you and new sibling I would bet all hell would break loose.
Mixed messages to dsd if they are holidaying together imo.
She should be having family time with you +siblings.

DH needs to put it back on her, he needs to take the work so what would she like to do? Would she prefer to take time off work and keep SDD with her? You looking after her for those few hours is what's on offer so it's take it or leave it.

It would be different if weekends were DH's only time with her but for a temporary situation like this when he has time with her during the week the ex is being unreasonable to object. Putting it back on her to choose from the available options might make her see that.

It would worry me, it’s sounds like dsd mother is now trying to call the shots, it’s great that you all get on for the sake of dsd but it sounds now like she wants to control the relationship (speaking from bitter experience unfortunately, I bent over backwards and ended up getting assaulted as I said no to her wishes)

Does she ever leave dsd with anyone else ever? If so she is bvvvu.

Try and work through it as amicably as you can, but you need to say no, she doesn’t get to dictate what happens when she’s being cared for by her dad, he should be allowed to have a say too. Best of luck with it being a step parent isn’t easy