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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU re husband's shopping

77 replies

ElinorRigby · 11/04/2019 13:52

Working at home today, so asked spouse to do shopping. Made him a list including two specific types of cheese - Red Leicester and Stilton. He went off to do the shops but also went to pick up supplies in the city centre. Saw him return but didn't wander out as I was working.

Emerged at lunchtime to find he'd left most of stuff out when he returned from shops, rather than putting it away - meaning if I wanted to make lunch I'd have to do all the putting away first.. Rather than buying the cheese on the list, he'd bought goats cheese - although some old goats cheese has been languishing uneaten the fridge for a while -and white stilton with apricots (which I disliked) and left it out on the table in the sunshine.

When I queried why he hadn't put stuff away he said
a) he thought I'd like to see what he'd bought. He referred to this as the 'kill'
and
b) he didn't know where half the things went but I would know where to put them
and
c) he'd been out for over an hour and a half, so hadn't he done enough

My husband has been retired for several years and cooks regularly. I was underwhelmed.

At some point in the ensuing discussion I used the word 'patriarchy' and he said he was 'gutted' that I would describe his behaviour as having been influenced by patriarchal attitudes.

Just another day....

OP posts:
CrazyPineapple · 11/04/2019 16:08

YANBU As my mother always said, if you don't want to do a job, do it badly... he's hoping never to be entrusted with this monumentally complicated task again...

Pedders006 · 11/04/2019 16:09

I always put the shopping away ... before I get caught with unauthorised items like the 8 bars of Ritter Sport (Lidl had the whole range and it would have been rude not to) when the list one said one bar of CDM ...

Ncforever12345 · 11/04/2019 16:17

Thank you for finally making me understand why my husband comes home from shopping and insists on telling me everything he's bought. I'll try to look impressed next time.

adaline · 11/04/2019 16:20

How does it get to this stage?

I mean, surely this didn't happen overnight? Either he's never lived alone and never done anything for himself, or he's been allowed to get away with behaving like a perma-teen for far, far too long.

Why don't people choose functioning adults to spend their lives with?

diddl · 11/04/2019 16:25

"How does it get to this stage?"

I wondered that also.

How does he not know where stuff goes.

He must have put sopping away before or looked in cupboards for stuff.

He thought that you'd want to look at the stuff he'd bought-a food shop??!!

He referred to it as "the kill"-I did think what a twat, LTT.

MitziK · 11/04/2019 16:29

I'm happy if shopping is left on the counter. It stops me opening the fridge to find that the fresh milk is in front of the currently open half carton and has therefore been opened, the cheese is in the veggie drawer, the veggies are crammed onto the same shelves as meat and there's a half eaten pizza underneath a bag of potatoes.

StarlingsEverywhere · 11/04/2019 16:38

FFS. My dad was like this after going shopping - he’d bring the bags in a leave them in the kitchen. But when my mum did the shopping, she always put it away too! I made it very clear when I moved in with DH that part of the ‘job’ of shopping was putting the shopping, especially the fridge stuff, away.

ElinorRigby · 11/04/2019 16:39

It's a bit odd - because he has been doing shopping and cooking for years. Sometimes when he was working full time and did a big shop I would put it away because it seemed fair. Also he'd only cook - say once at the weekends, so was a bit less up to speed on the domestic front.

What he's not really done is adapt to retirement by increasing the amount of housework he's done - despite many many efforts on my part to get him to improve. I also think I've tried to accept that my way isn't always the right way, and a bit of lowering standards can be helpful at times.

He probably does do more than his share of some other jobs - so I feel there should be a bit of give and take, rather than my calling him out over every little thing.

But today was just not on.

I'm not quite sure how to sort things - it might be something like a rota so he takes his turn throwing food out of the fridge.

I can cope with him doing a bit less. It's when he does the 'bit less' really badly and cuts corners, that it gets a bit much.

(Like the other day when I was working and a family friend was coming round before I'd finished work and was staying for supper. He'd made a meal and most of it was fine, but he hadn't bothered to check the salad drawer before shopping that day,. So he served up a truly terrible salad green salad composed of gone off Romaine lettuce leaves - think bleached almost to whiteness with brown streaks, plus rocket leaves that were yellowed because the packet was a week past it's sell by date. Understandably our friend left most of it.)

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 11/04/2019 16:42

Well at least his dinner tonight will be easy to prepare - goats cheese and white Stilton. Served up every day until it's finished. Grin

adaline · 11/04/2019 16:43

Mine has never washed up in his life.

Why did you marry someone so utterly useless?

Gone4Good · 11/04/2019 16:50

Mine has never washed up in his life
How do people bring themselves to shag these men?

How exactly does a so-called man up to his elbows in soapy dishwater or knowing where the cheese goes turn you on?

My men do man's work. Earlier today my husband pulled a calf out of its mother. Save both their lives. Now he's working fixing a great big tractor in our machine shop. My son is hauling what he grew in a big rig with 26 wheels under it. I see our neighbor in the far distance riding across the horizon on a horse with a herd of wayward pedigree bulls ahead of him.

That's a turn on.

Dominating or belittling a man over housework?

People are losing sight that men are different then women. Thank goodness.

What you're doing is like my husband telling other men what a stupid lazy woman I am because I don't run bull calves into the chute, get them in a head gate and then cut their balls off. AND then, on top of it all, I don't even rebuild a diesel engine while he's castrating the bull calves.

In our home we don't make a big deal about who loads or empties the dishwasher or who puts the cheese away.

I think the women on this thread would be much happier in a relationship with another woman because you certainly seem to be turning men into women. Let them be men. Let them bring home the kill and display it proudly for all to see because it sounds as if the last vestige of manhood for them.

Poor buggers.

gamerchick · 11/04/2019 16:54

Meh, if a man can cut off the nuts of a cow he can wash a dish.

If it didn't bother you that much because you like the 'you man me woman thing' then why mention it in the first place? Confused

adaline · 11/04/2019 16:58

How exactly does a so-called man up to his elbows in soapy dishwater or knowing where the cheese goes turn you on?

It doesn't turn me on.

But a man who refuses to wash a dish because he's "too MANLY" to lower himself to such basic tasks is not a man I would choose to spend my life with.

Men eat food, they can clean the mess it makes too!

ElinorRigby · 11/04/2019 17:01

Let them bring home the kill and display it proudly for all to see because it sounds as if the last vestige of manhood for them.

Just doesn't work with white stilton plus apricots...

Lovely parody of Cold Comfort Farm - with perhaps a dash of Fifty Shades - above though. So glad I posted!

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 11/04/2019 17:07

My husband does this too. He just can’t put groceries away if he bought them. He doesn’t believe me that I don’t need to review the shopping.

FuzzyShadowChatter · 11/04/2019 17:14

I'm laughing at Cold Comfort Farm parody.

They can display it and put it away. My 7-year-old son loves showing me what he bought at the shop with his dad, runs in all delighted about to show me - then runs off to put it away.

Maybe it's cause I grew up where women did the chicken neck wringing pretty much all themselves and did the hunting and slaughtering of larger animals just as often as men did, but the kill needs to be put away properly so it does some good or do your men just kill the animals and leave it on the ground for people to get turned on by their manliness. If someone's able to bring it in, they can put it away, even my kids get that. Leaving it around for hours doesn't do anything good and it isn't unreasonable to see that that's just a waste of everyone's time and energy.

CheshireChat · 11/04/2019 17:42

Bloody hell, no way would I let DP approach some poor, unsuspecting bull, he'd be a menace. I mean this is the man who managed to kill a mint plant and was surprised that you have flowers on tomato plants before the fruit Confused.

ElinorRigby · 11/04/2019 17:48

Could we put them all in a field together. Beware of the Partners!

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 11/04/2019 17:56

Gone4Good

Oh so your man's a real man - does he pull you behind him by your hair? That's what Neanderthals did isn't it. If he's capable of pulling a calf from a cow, doing his share of the housework should be a doddle.

Justaboy · 11/04/2019 19:40

The times I've bought shopping in then stored it are very few simply because no matter where I put the bugger its never right .

She always is changing her mind on what goes where its not a win-win.

thecatsthecats · 11/04/2019 19:50

Ooh, maybe "the kill" is why my husband describes what he had for lunch every single day.

I don't get to see it, and he doesn't talk about his work, so maybe he's showing off he fed himself.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2019 19:54

How exactly does a so-called man up to his elbows in soapy dishwater or knowing where the cheese goes turn you on?

Well if you saw him, you'd know. Even elbow deep in dishwater he's insanely hot. Looks like a taller, broader Jason Statham. But whatever, yours can castrate animals. That's a huge turn on Envy

ElinorRigby · 11/04/2019 20:55

I think if I was having a quick fling competence at cheese placement would not be one of my highest priorities.

But for a life partner cheese reliability is a must. (Even more than the ability to castrate animals - which in an urban environment is neither here not there. Even the cat we used to have was female.)

OP posts:
Alfiesmom15 · 11/04/2019 22:07

I have one of these 🤣 he leaves on the side and then proudly stands there like hes made the food himself showing me all the stuff he bought that I've asked him not.... one time I asked for a loaf of bread... that's all.... 40 pound later I have bread, a papaya, a pomegranate (hes never tried these before) toothbrushes (we have electric toothbrushes he felt we needed spares) jelly (we dont like jelly, none of us do) light bulbs (for light fittings we DONT have) and bloody cat nip 😂🤣😂 I come to conclusion hes a fool

BlackPrism · 11/04/2019 23:01

DP looks around cluelessly with rice and tins not knowing where things go in his own damn house 🙄🙄🙄🙄