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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Devastation at other peoples joy.....

25 replies

Alfiesmom15 · 11/04/2019 03:12

So my friends have just had there baby. Right adorable..... why am I heartbroken..... I cant have anymore children it's not "advisable" ..... why cant we just turn these things off and be like yayy ..... instead I'm just like why couldn't I make a better job of it and have another one? Why does my body fail me unlike others? Why couldn't all my babys make full term? Why couldn't my one full term pregnancy be full of joy and excitement instead of dread and worry? (Multiple miscarriages) Why couldn't I have that beautiful family photo at the end of the pushing for everyone to fawn over.... instead I couldn't even hold my baby to get skin to skin. I couldn't even breastfeed..... and final question .... why cant I just be happy for them like a normal person instead I'm just lying here crying
.... wtf is wrong with me

OP posts:

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 11/04/2019 03:25

I'm sorry you have had to go through all of this. I've no experience myself, but didnt want to read and run, it must be very difficult.

Poppins2016 · 11/04/2019 03:29

I don't think there's anything wrong with you or your reaction. You feel heartbroken for a valid reason(s). I think I'd react in the same way in your position (indeed, although not quite comparable, I cried alone after a friend told me she was pregnant as I had been told I'd have great difficulty conceiving and I was desperately longing for a baby...).

One thing I do wonder, however, is whether you might find some counselling or other therapy useful. You come across as a little more than heartbroken, perhaps more traumatised. Understandably so. It sounds as though you've been through a great deal. Have you been able to reach out to your GP or any other professional for some help processing what you've been through?

PregnantSea · 11/04/2019 07:42

Sometimes life is really shitty and unfair. Please take on board the fact that it is ok to feel the way that you do. It's ok to be jealous/angry/heart broken when someone else has something that you can never have. As long as you are kind to those people and treat them well then your own private feelings are your own business. Don't pile on extra hurt by feeling guilty about these feelings.

Sorry that this has happened to you OP. please be nice to yourself today xx

Original poster

Alfiesmom15 · 11/04/2019 11:48

My full term pregnancy resulted in a little boy why cant I be grateful that's hes here and disregard how hard it was, why cant I be happy that I have a child rather then wanting more.... it's hard because everyone at work is obviously excited and three people have come to me in the last 2 hours saying aww it must make you so broody, it will be making you broody, when are you having your next, whens Bob going to have a little brother or sister .... and I'm just smiling and laughing saying no more kids I like my money..... I dont want to tell them I cant have more kids so that's something I have to suck up..... I have my big girl pants on with my fake smile plastered on, ive become good at that. I'm am happy for them honest I am they are in no way less entitled to have a baby more then me but it's hard when they are planning baby no 2 and 3 within the next couple years

OP posts:

HBStowe · 11/04/2019 11:51

YANBU, you’re having a very normal reaction to a really difficult situation. I feel so much for you

KenAdamsRealWife · 11/04/2019 12:03

Op I’m so sorry you have been through such a tough time. It’s no surprise you feel so conflicted. I think it would help you to get some counselling or therapy to work through this and make some sort of peace in your mind if that’s ever possible.
First step, make an appt to see your GP
💐

JacquesHammer · 11/04/2019 12:05

My full term pregnancy resulted in a little boy why cant I be grateful that's hes here and disregard how hard it was, why cant I be happy that I have a child rather then wanting more

You’re not allowing yourself to grieve properly. As soon as you start saying “I should be grateful for...” you’re removing your own permission to grieve.

You really need to allow yourself time to come to terms with your losses

Fairylightsandwine · 11/04/2019 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarkandCheese · 11/04/2019 12:38

Your experience sounds very similar to mine. What I can tell you is over time it does get better. As the baby and toddler years pass and your peers complete their families the focus shifts so much. These days my friends and family now have teen and pre teen children and it’s so different to those early years, we realised the other day that most of us have our pets as our home screen pictures rather than our children now.

I know this probably isn’t much help right at this moment, but there will be a time you don’t feel empty inside at others good news.

pinkstar01 · 11/04/2019 12:44

Literaly in the same position as you OP...I have one DS who was a premie via emcs, couldn't breastfeed and now been trying for number 2 for 1.5 and nothing. DS is 4+ now and people love asking about number 2, I feel like people think it's ok to ask that question to someone whose already had 1 because they can't understand that one doesn't guarantee more. It's hard, I just say we're not ready yet...and most people I know have had multiple kids since then so I understand your pain. I just try to focus my mind on other things, going out having fun, holidays, etc. it's not a replacement for the longing but it helps to distract 💗

FudgeBrownie2019 · 11/04/2019 12:44

My full term pregnancy resulted in a little boy why cant I be grateful that's hes here and disregard how hard it was, why cant I be happy that I have a child rather then wanting more

Because grief just doesn't work that way; you can't erase loss with a gift, no matter hw beautiful the gift the loss still exists. You must allow yourself this grief, allow yourself to recognise this loss, that life hasn't given you the things you'd cherish most. Then when you've had some time grieving, try to find a way to move through the loss and accept it, because there's no other way to get 'over' it as such.

I had a fairly late stage loss 15 years ago. The blessing of having my two DC have given me don't wipe out that loss or diminish it and I don't beat myself up over the fact that I carry as much grief in my heart as I do joy. It's nature.

CustardCream114 · 11/04/2019 12:50

OP I know exactly what you mean. I can't have children (miscarriage followed by dx of ovarian failure), and when my brother told me they were expecting I cried my heart out, told him I was so happy, inside I was dying. My little niece turns one in a few weeks.

I wish we could take something that would turn off those emotions and feelings. It is heart breaking. You are definitely not alone.

Allow yourself to grieve and be sad, it's natural, and does not make you a bad person at all X

Original poster

Alfiesmom15 · 11/04/2019 16:41

I want to thank you all.... dont get me wrong I dont feel any better about the situation but I do feel better that I'm not the only one that feels like this and it's completely normal.... I will look into some counselling and see if that helps so thank you all

OP posts:

apacketofcrisps · 11/04/2019 16:57

Try not having any kids just repeated losses. Be grateful for what you have.

JacquesHammer · 11/04/2019 16:58

apacketofcrisps

I assume you’re coming from a place of hurt but did you read the thread? What unkind advice.

Happyspud · 11/04/2019 17:02

You have your son but you were cheated out of a bunch of experiences that should have gone with that. And there’s no limit to the grief you should feel for the losses you had. And there’s no limit to the grief that you should feel for the future children you thought you would have.

You got a raw deal, it’s ok to acknowledge that.

Original poster

Alfiesmom15 · 13/04/2019 22:58

What kind of response is that?

OP posts:

Original poster

Alfiesmom15 · 13/04/2019 22:59

Thank you so much everyone for your comments (except for the one unhelpful comment)

OP posts:

LetsDoThisAgain · 13/04/2019 23:07

It sounds like you're suffering from depression and grief, talk to your GP about this.

autumnnightsaredrawingin · 13/04/2019 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

autumnnightsaredrawingin · 13/04/2019 23:36

Totally the wrong thread. So sorry OP.

cordeliavorkosigan · 14/04/2019 00:07

with some of the people, can you start being even a little bit honest?
'aww... when are you having your next one?' -- "actually this is bittersweet for me, I really wish I could have another, so lovely to see this happiness" and so on; if they keep pressing I think there is nothing wrong with "don't ask. just don't ask. you don't actually want to know."
You'd probably feel better if what you were saying was (within reason) closer to how you're actually feeling. And people would start being a bit more sensitive, too.

MarthasGinYard · 14/04/2019 00:13

Apacketofcrisps

Namechangerextraordinaire1 · 14/04/2019 00:28

I sort of understand what you mean, in that I have one dd but i have a new partner now and I have secondary infertility and he has primary infertility, so we need ivf to have more kids i feel like I shouldn't be upset or anything because I have one child who was conceived easily. That doesnt alter the deep primeval desire I have for another though, nor really make the situation easier. I feel as thougb I shouldn't be so upset as I have a child when so many others don't even have that, but it genuinely hurts that we may never have one together, or that i may never get to do the whole pregnancy and baby thing again, ss my ex ruined it for me first time round. People often ask if I will ever have another and I too pretend I'm not at all keen, because it's too raw and upsetting to invite most other people in to that part of my life. Only close friends and family know so I plaster on the fake smile even though it physically hurts inside some days.
With that said, I agree with others who have said it is ok to feel the feelings you have and to accept that it doesn't make you a bad person to feel these things. You've had a very tough hand to deal, it doesn't make you a horrible person to struggle with these feelings.

keepforgettingmyusername · 14/04/2019 00:37

@autumnnightsaredrawingin I'm in the throes of my 4th miscarriage and your post made me laugh so thanks for that!

Sorry OP. It's shit and there's no getting around it

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