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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU and pfb?

20 replies

noloh1 · 10/04/2019 20:11

DS7 is a quiet and sensitive boy and I’ve been trying really hard to help him with his confidence and have also brought this up with school who said they would try some tips, like giving him special jobs etc.

Last parents evening, I brought up how I felt like because he is quiet and shy, he sometimes gets left out/overlooked. Examples of this recently-

We paid money for a animal session at school where the kids got the stroke and touch the animals, but DS didn’t get a go.
A music thing was put on where all kids could try different instruments, but DS didn’t have a go.
A food tasting session was on in class, but he didn’t get to try any food because he was given a fork (and was too shy to point this out).
He’s very rarely on the fb photos school put on.
He never gets a good part in the numerous plays they put on. (He is good at speaking out in plays funnily enough).

I mentioned this during parents evening and I’m aware that my DS needs to put himself forward but I just feel bad for him and I feel like the teachers should be trying to encourage him and help him be included. Just now, I’ve gone on fb and there’s photos of his class planting flowers and I asked him why he wasn’t on any. Apparently, he was sat in the classroom on his own as he was going to do his medications (which could have waiting 10 minutes so he could be involved).

Sorry this is long, so am I making an issue out of nothing? Is it my sons responsibility to sort this out himself and if so, how can I help to support him? Or should I have another word with the teachers, that again I have an upset child, who’s missed out again. This parenting lark is so hard!! Another one from yesterday, he was recently so happy that he had been given a pen to write with, but another kid has swapped pens with him and he won’t swap back/tell teacher or anything despite being really upset about losing his pen that he liked.

OP posts:

AVeryGoodBadIdea · 10/04/2019 20:27

I think it's probably a bit of both. Think not being in fb pictures or in school play is one thing, but not being included in pet/food/planting sessions is not great. So would speak to teacher re: ensuring he is being included and maybe highlighting that he can find it hard to speak up for himself so they can keep an eye out. But at the same time working with him on speaking up for himself.

viques · 10/04/2019 20:29

I think you do have to keep reminding the school about including all children because they are not doing a good job of it, but I wonder if you can also support him by modelling some scenarios at home and practising speaking up for himself. You could start with the pen story, or the no fork . If you can model possible interventions by being him , then let him practice with you it might give him the confidence to speak up a bit more.

Paddy1234 · 10/04/2019 20:33

I know completely where you are coming from.
My son was exactly the same - he was always the last one to get 'star of the week' in his class not because he was naughty but actually that he was invisible.
He is 14 now, still under the radar but slowly coming through at his own pace and on his own terms.
To be frank there was nothing I did which made any difference.

Liverbird77 · 10/04/2019 20:48

He's a child! The teacher should've made sure he had a turn (teacher here). By all means help him to work on his confidence, but missing out on activities is horrible for him.

waterrat · 10/04/2019 20:50

They are in loco parentis of a young child and need to consider his needs as an individual.

Waveysnail · 10/04/2019 20:54

It seems strange ds didn't get a go at these activities- any chance he didn't actually want to do it. You cant fight all his battles, he needs to learn to stand up for himself even if its learning to day no. I'd practise role.play and run through scenarios at school. Me and a friend have been working with their DC to do this as they were constantly being overrun by another child.

Crazycrazylady · 10/04/2019 22:08

My sons the same. He lacks self-confidence and often seems overlooked. Not bulllied as such , just forgotten about.
Would love to know how to help him😔

Scanon · 10/04/2019 22:10

I'd definitely speak to the school.

I'd also look online for assertiveness techniques for shy children, so you can help him to develop this.

lifetothefull · 10/04/2019 22:32

Why did he miss out on music?
Why did he not get to stroke animals?
Is it the case that he has not gone forward or has hung back the whole time or when asked 'Has everyone had a go?' he has not spoken up.
I think you have to tell him that if he wants a turn he has to tell someone and help him to speak up. That way he can feel proud of himself when he does speak up.
And ask a teaching assistant to look out for him. They're the best people to ensure this kind of thing is taken care of.

VashtaNerada · 10/04/2019 22:36

I would continue to gently remind the teacher. I’m a teacher and I try SO hard not to do this but I’m sure there must be some children who end up getting more opportunities than others. If a parent (or child) reminded me that it’s been a while since they were chosen for something I generally act on it. Unless of course it turned out that particular child was chosen all the time, but I’d just tell the parent that.

Original poster

noloh1 · 10/04/2019 22:38

Thanks for these ideas, will definitely look into role play and assertiveness techniques. I think he hangs back and let’s everyone have a go and then is too shy to mention that he’s not had a turn, but he’s always disappointed when he comes home. I’ll have another word with his teacher as well. It’s hard to know how to help him. I put him in a drama club that aims to help with self confidence and he does enjoy it, but is the shyest one there by far.

OP posts:

keepforgettingmyusername · 10/04/2019 22:41

The shyness is something you need to help him to overcome really. He needs to learn to assert himself at some stage of life - might as well be now before he starts big school. What about a martial arts class or something to give his confidence a boost?

Original poster

noloh1 · 10/04/2019 22:53

I thought that too, he’s been doing taekwondo for the last few months. He does enjoy it, it’s out of his comfort zone, and he kicks those pads so soft it wouldn’t hurt a fly. Bless him. But hoping it will pay off, he was so pleased when he moved up a belt.

OP posts:

Eliza9919 · 10/04/2019 23:07

Nothing helpful here, just wondering why he couldn't use a fork?

MyDcAreMarvel · 10/04/2019 23:10

I think op means he wasn’t given a fork.

Meandwinealone · 10/04/2019 23:10

@Eliza9919
I was thinking the same! Boy given fork isn’t able to eat food

Eliza9919 · 10/04/2019 23:13

MyDcAreMarvel ok thanks, yes that makes more sense.

Meandwinealone · 10/04/2019 23:23

Yes it is obvious
But it’s funny

Totally missing the point

Original poster

noloh1 · 10/04/2019 23:25

Haha only just noticed that. Yes, he wasn’t given a fork!

OP posts:

Ledkr · 10/04/2019 23:37

My dd is the same and with the added issuenof being partially deaf.
She is in a big class with a lot of boys and some pretty lively characters" she never gets a look in for any school stuff and yet out of school competes in many dance competitions wining medals and also roles in local shows.
This to me shows they don't know her at all.
😠

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