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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Urgent help please I just found out my boyfriend is an addict and I've left left him alone

63 replies

user1485367344 · 09/04/2019 22:45

Suspected for a while that my very new boyfriend had a problem with drink. He is about 10 years older than me.

The times I see him he barely has any food in the house, will constantly want to meet to have a drink etc., but the type of job he has would make this quite normal socially (banker) and so I didn't really question it immediately.

However warning signs came when he started to look gaunt, would cancel dates because he was feeling sad and most unnervinng to me, would talk about past trauma in his life. Then the lack of money came - although a high salaried job, he would often struggle towards the end of the month with money to the point where I would offer to lend him money, which he did always pay back.

Anyway tonight I met him after work. He was wasted when I got there, staggering about and eyes half closed. I was a bit sad and tried to sober him up. However he got to the point where he started to tell me to fuck off and that I was a fucking cunt. I got upset and left, he followed me begging me to go back to his and forget it. I lost my patience a little bit said I wanted to go home and that he was an alcoholic and needed some help.

I got a taxi back and realised as I walked in the house that his keys are in my bag (he put them there saying he would lose them).

I looked at the keys and there is a UKAT Keyring on there. After googling I found that it is an addiction rehabilitation centre.

I feel so panicky right now - I've left him in town intoxicated and unbeknownst to me without keys. His phone is now off.

I Don't know what to do - I tried ringing the bar he was in and asking but they said they were closing. I'm a 40 minute drive away now.

I feel so guilty. He text me after I left saying please don't leave me and I just didn't respond. I've sent numerous texts now and calls to him and his friends but no response.

Can someone please help me what should I do?? I'm scared for his safety. I don't care that he's an alcoholic, I just want him safe and indoors it's so cold outside

OP posts:
QueenBeex · 09/04/2019 23:51

End your relationship, or be prepared for many more weeks / months / years of him getting drunk and verbally abusing you.

LordWheresMyShoes · 09/04/2019 23:54

Personally I'd get the taxi round trip to drop off his keys. Agree a price up front with the driver, haggle a little. It's in many ways a small price to pay if it means your peace of mind knowing you tried everything to try to ensure he's safe, whilst not compromising your safety.

Acis · 09/04/2019 23:56

He'd probably have lost the keys anyway even if you'd given them back to him.

AlunWynsKnee · 09/04/2019 23:56

How about ringing 101 and explaining his predicament? If they come across him then they know where his keys are.
Or text him you have his keys and if he is on his doorstep you can call a cab to take his keys to him.

QueenBeex · 09/04/2019 23:58

Can you not hand his keys in to his local police station? Or does he have a mat / plant pot outside his house you could leave them under? Maybe he's made his way back to his car and has fallen asleep beside it. Or he could of just moved on to another club / supermarket for more alcohol.

Original poster
user1485367344 · 10/04/2019 00:06

I suppose im past the point of bing outing now - we live in London so there's no way I can leave his keys outside as there's a massive gated area you need to get through before the row of doors to get to his appartment.

I also doubt he'd walk back to the house knowing he did not have his keys but who knows? He did say to me please come to X I'm going to get my keys I think I threw them away.

And I didn't clock at all until I was home getting my charger from my bag that they might have been in his jacket. His contacts are in there too.

His phone is dodgy and often restarts (I may be being paranoid now but I suppose its a cheap phone he can use to either get drugs or it's okay to lose on a night out?)

I think I will call the non emergency police line for advice, I would never forgive myself if something happened to him, and it's freezing outside.

I messaged his friends and they said they will look for him. Very close to texting his brother but its a pretty dramatic step??

I won't sleep a wink tonight

OP posts:
PregnantSea · 10/04/2019 00:16

I think going to his house with the keys to see if he is hanging around outside is the only way you will have true peace of mind here. But then again he may be at a friend's, or the police station, or just somewhere else, in which case you will go into overdrive worrying even more and will have wasted a shit tonne of money on a taxi.

I'm sure he will be fine, if he has addiction issues he'll have been in this sort of situation many times before. I know it sounds a bit grim but it's mid April, it's not cold enough for him to actually freeze to death, he's just going to have an uncomfortable night at worst, and that's only if he's in the worst case scenario and hasn't found a bed/cell to sleep in.

Hope you get some sleep tonight OP x

notangelinajolie · 10/04/2019 00:27

You can't help him. The only person who can help him is himself. I am truly sorry op but if he is an addict then he cares more about his drugs/alcohol than you. You are not his carer - please walk away.

MsFanackerPants · 10/04/2019 00:34

You're being very dramatic about this. It's not due to rain and it is not due to drop below 5c in London tonight never mind freezing. If he is pissed he likely won't notice but there's also enough late night places that if he has some money he can hang around in or book into a hotel. If he lives in a gated building presumably he can still enter the key code to get into his building. Or leave the keys under his car that you said you would in your first post.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/04/2019 00:36

I dont think you do appreciate just how hard it is to deal with these people in a professional, non caring, setting.

How do I know if this person is a recovering addict who is having a relaspse? I dont.
How do I know if they are simply someone who takes/drinks everything they can get their hands on? I dont

I can tell you what I do know though..... when someone is afloat to the tonsils on alcohol and off their heads on coke, I want them out of the my place and their issues are not my problem. So if you ring then I am not interested. If you turn up asking where he is then I wont go out of my way to help you.

You may not like it, but your boyfriend is seen like that by more people than not.

Redglitter · 10/04/2019 00:39

I think I will call the non emergency police line for advice

They'll tell you the same as people on here. Hes an adult hes got access to cash it's up to him to sort himself out for the night if he cant get home. I'm not sure what youd expect the Police to do

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/04/2019 00:39

I could quite easily reply with a similarly judgemental message about the amount go hard work you have to "deal with" working in a bar, but I won't.

Feel free.

IncrediblySadToo · 10/04/2019 00:41

Phone (don’t text) his brother, make it his problem.

Do NOT ruin your life for an addict you’ve known 5 minutes.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/04/2019 00:43

And maybe you should be thinking about why you are defending to me a man that you would advise one of your clients to run a mile from.

UnRavellingFast · 10/04/2019 00:44

He is fine. Men like this always are. When he finds himself alone and without a supporting gf he may find the inner strength to seek help. While he has a helper and supporter he won’t. I know this because I went out with a drug addict for three years when young. He was also an older man. If he destroys himself you won’t be able to stop him. It is kinder to yourself and him to drop this rs. Post the keys back and remember that he’s a man in his forties who is capable of finding shelter or calling you if he must have his keys.

Original poster
user1485367344 · 10/04/2019 00:46

@PyongyangKipperbang

The difference being of course that I would never think or call someone a "pissed up arsehole". And no, counsellors would never advise someone to run a mile, rather that decision comes from the client.

Thank you for your helpful comments anyway.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 10/04/2019 00:52

Well I do because frankly anyone in the state he is in, is an arsehole.
Walk a mile in my shoes!

I am sympathetic to your worries, I have been there myself with an ex (alcohol only though), I am simply trying to show you how he will be seen by others, especially the pub you rang. As someone who has worked in/run several pubs, your call would illicit an eyeroll and a note to make sure he wasnt served again. You would be judged, unfairly in your case, as either being as bad as him (you rarely get one coke head on his own, they roam in packs) or being stupid for worrying and putting up with him.

I am not saying that any of this is right in your case, but we judge by experience and for every idiot like him who has a genuinely caring non addicted GF, there will be 100 who have drama llama OH's who are off their tits too.

OurChristmasMiracle · 10/04/2019 00:53

I’ve loved and lived with a cocaine addict. This will not get any better. He has already only 5 months in been verbally abusive to you- this will in time only worsen. Yeah sure he will be “sorry” after or he will claim he can’t remember any of it.

Please save yourself and get out. You can’t save him. He has to want to do that for himself and no one else. For myself and my husband that was after I left him, but the abuse I suffered has left me (literally) scarred for life.

Run whilst you can Flowers

Singlenotsingle · 10/04/2019 01:12

He's not your responsibility. I hope you're fast asleep in bed.

BestestBrownies · 10/04/2019 02:04

OP, you cannot save or fix him, so spare yourself the months/years/decades of torment and heartache and walk away now.

It may not feel like it, but leaving is the kindest thing you can do for him.

Nat6999 · 10/04/2019 02:29

If he is an alcoholic, nothing you can do will stop him drinking. You can't fix him, the only person who can help him is himself. He will have found somewhere to crash out, they usually do. Get his keys back to him tomorrow, stay away from him & think yourself lucky that you have escaped before he dragged you down with him. Take it from someone who knows, my partner died at 34 from alcoholism, not even being told he would die if he didn't stop made him stop drinking.

Original poster
user1485367344 · 10/04/2019 11:23

Still no word from him. Phone still off. Still got the keys.

Getting quite concerned.

OP posts:
adulthumanwolf · 10/04/2019 11:27

His safety is not your responsibility. Go back to the bar with his keys in an envelope. Hand over the keys to the bar staff and say a customer lost them last night. Text him and tell him the bar have his keys. Then block him.

OolongSlayer · 10/04/2019 11:29

Did you ring the police OP?

Lifeisabeach09 · 10/04/2019 11:29

Don't be a soft touch, OP. Definitely do not get a taxi to return his keys to him.
As PPs have said, he is an adult. He'll sleep it off somewhere--at a friend's, hotel, or park. He doesn't need you to mother him.

Get rid and move on with your own life.