Aibu to take it this far

[paigeadkinx]

I know I've already had a rant about my mil but I'm literally at my wits end with her. I've tried talking to her and so has dp but it doesn't seem to work. She just gets worse. Last week she went behind my back to do something regarding dd that I specifically told her not to do, I found out because she told dp, I decided to wait till I had calmed down a little so I didn't cause any trouble and sent her a polite but firm message telling her what she had done was wrong. She has done something like this on more than one occasion so I told her that I felt like she was trying to take over my role as been the parent, she constantly criticises my parenting and tells me I should be doing it the way she did it cause it's 'better'. I've come to the conclusion that no matter how many times she is told or who by she won't stop interfering or causing trouble, I spoke to dp and said I feel like something drastic may stop her I said if I stopped her seeing the children would she stop, aibu to do this? She constantly does things I ask her not too. After the issue last week I haven't received an apology and she hasn't spoken to me since, she then decided on Sunday night to message dp best friend and tell him everything that had gone on and ask him to find out how dp ex girlfriend was doing, I was heartbroken, I just need some advice I don't know what to do, everything she's doing is staring to cause friction between me and dp.

What kind of stuff is she doing? I think it's hard to judge whether to cut her off just because she does things differently. Is she putting DC at risk?

No she doesn't put them at risk but it's little things like I ask her to make sure dd eats food as we have a big issue of her not doing eating, she doesn't do this and lets her full up on junk food and fizzy pop because she believes children should be aloud to eat what they want, she lets dd stay up till early silly hours on the iPad and she comes home tired we only let her have couple of hours tops on screen time and she said she lets her have it all day cause it's easy for her. No this isn't the reason to cut her off this is just things she does dd is 2. The reason to cut her off is because she is controlling and manipulative. She sends messages to dp slagging me off, for example she said I was disgusting for wanting to christen my children catholic, she said she wouldn't attend if it was catholic, she makes comments like you need to have another baby and I want it to be a girl so that I have my own proper real granddaughter (dd is not current partners) she singles dd out sometimes. She constantly compares me to dp ex she says that she still loves her and misses her and that she made dp happier.

To add to it, after I'd sent her the message saying that it was wrong to go behind my back she's told her husband and mum that I've said dd is nothing to do with her and will never be anything to do with her so keep out of things, non of which I said.

Well she isn't her dgc so make that your reason to keep her away.
She isn't treating her appropriately - your rules.

I have said I will only stop contact until she learns to listen to my rules and not overrule me. I told dp that all that will do is teach dd that she doesn't have to listen to what I say.

My exmil told me that she would give my vegi dc meat when I wasn't around. She never had them unsupervised.
Ever.
We visited for an hour twice a week.

That's terriblewe don't visit very often but that's simply because I'm criticised whenever we do so I choose not to go up until these past two weeks I've never stopped children until I've decided enough is enough

You don't just have a MIL problem, you know that, don't you?

You have a DP problem too - why isn't he sorting his mother out?

Your partner needs to sort this out pronto, it’s his mum and I would just not have any dealings with her until he does. Your child is your child, not hers, andnot his either. Why is she getting to dictate what happens with your child? If he doesn’t care about your feelings on this then you need to find another partner to be brutally honest.

He has spoken to her, or tries, she changes subject and he just rolls with it, I tell him then he can't just leave it he needs to carry on with what he wants to say, I personally think he's scared of her, she constantly throws things in his face, he dropped out of the university course he was on before we was together as he didn't like it, his mum didn't tell his dad, dp spoke to his dad yesterday in hope that he could talk to her, she then messaged dp saying your dad never did this for you your dad doesn't know this and I hid it from him so don't go getting me in trouble, she doesn't see the things she's doing as wrong

Well I guess you neee to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life putting up with this because it doesn’t sound like either your partner or his mum are going to change anything here

I've said I won't put up with it forever so something needs to be done, I've told him on I'm my last straw so hopefully something will change, I love dp very much but I've told him I will not make myself unhappy

If DD is not her DGC, then why is she looking after her for you?

DD is 2, so its not as if you've been with your DP for a long time...

I think you've put yourself in a difficult situation here by rushing things with your MIL.

Perhaps take a step back so she has less involvement and therefore less potential for causing friction?

Dd biological father and his family are not in the picture and never have been, they made that decision them self's they haven't made any contact since I was around 14 weeks pregnant, dp and I met when I was around 7 months pregnant and I decided it's best we take things slow as I was having a baby and needed to focus on that, he didn't meet dd till she was around 5 month and has raised her since, we have been living together since she was around 18 month and dd met dp parents around the same time he moved in, she has only recently started staying but all the started from the second she met dd

Your DPs mother can’t let your child eat junk/ stay on iPad etc if you don’t leave her with her for extended periods of time, so stop leaving her with her.

Sorry but it seems very full on if she isn’t actually her grandmother.

So it’s not your MIL it’s partner’s mum? And DD isn’t partner’s daughter? Is that correct? If so tell her to mind her own business. Don’t leave your daughter there.

If your MIL only met your DD at 18 months and she's only two now, she can't have known her very long at all?

I'd stop with so much unsupervised contact.

Stop leaving your DD with woman who doesn't consider her a "real" granddaughter.

Dd is three in September so I know still not a long time, no dd is not dp daughter but he has been in her life since she was 5 month old and helped me raise her, I tried telling her to mind her own business and that resulted in her make up some rubbish and crying to everyone, she even told dp best friend, I've told dp I won't be having any further contact with her until things change

Have to put your foot down here with DP I think. I may be getting ahead of myself here but I’d be worried any future children you have with DP would be the favourite and DD will be pushed out.

I'll be honest op, it was a bad idea to become involved with another man when you were pregnant with someone else's child.

Your DD's preschool years should have seen you focused on her needs, not the inevitable stresses and strains of a very new relationship.

I also question the judgement of a man who thinks this is a good idea.

Back away, op, focus on your DD not relationships with men.