To not want to go back to work?

[Sunandseaside]

Interested in different perspectives and opinions on this- good or bad of course!

I have a 9 month old and I’m due to go back to work in June. Work have been great and offered me 3 days a week- I know I’m very lucky to be able to do this.

The issue is that my daughter doesn’t sleep and it is getting worse. She is currently awake every 1-2 hours.

I’m used to it and I can get through the day if we are at home- able to wake up a bit later etc.

I’m just incredibly anxious about being out the door by 7.45am having been awake all night and then having to go into work all day then do pick ups/ drop offs at nursery. She is also quite a difficult baby and I’m worried about how she will settle in.

DH will be working away 2 days a week so that’s added pressure.

I just feel like I have to ‘have it all’ - be a working Mum but the thought of it stresses me out and I’d like more time.

My work may offer a career break ( 1 year) but DH wants me to go back- I understand where he’s coming from but he doesn’t do most of the night wakings and is gone early in the morning so won’t have to get the baby up/ fed and ready.

AIBU to want more time off? Or should I just get on with it?

Lauriemarlow- that’s so true about ML!

When I brought newborn dc 3 home and had three pre schoolers I remember thinking I’d never even get out the front door with all three! I had six months ML that time and went back 3 days a week. It took some planning, getting everything ready the night before and having a tight morning schedule for getting all three up and fed but honestly, it all worked and I was never late for work.

Conversely, when the eldest started school, there were a few occasions on my days off when I’d be legging it up to school with all the kids and dd would be a few minutes late! It seems so perverse because on a work day we’d be out by 7:45 but I struggled to get her to school by 8:45 on my days off! So clearly it’s not impossible to follow a tight routine, it’s about having systems and needing to follow them

You may well find that in nursery all day exhausts her and she barely wakes. It's no coincidence the first time mine slept through was at a steam rally - different bed as she slept in travel cot, but had had so much to see all say was so exhausted WE were waking saying 'why hasn't she woken?'

Still plenty of time for her to change her sleep pattern before you go back

One of the really nice things about the No Cry Sleep Solution is it gives you "permission" to try whatever method you pick until a time you specify, say 3am, then give in and do whatever works. The author says it won't work as quickly as picking one method and sticking to it 100%, but it should still work eventually. It really is a kinder book than many on the market.

Sleep training doesn’t mean just leaving your baby to cry. It means comforting and reassuring them at regular intervals but with the purpose of teaching them to sleep at night. It’s important for your baby’s development as well as being better for you that you get a decent amount of sleep. A sleep consultant would help you even if you do decide to take a career break and delay your return to work.

My DH also prefers to get up and get to work early and we had to have a few conversations before that properly changed but we got a new routine established quite quickly.

PP was right in that it's absolutely fine for DH not to want to be the only wage earner but there has to be an acknowledgement that in order for you to both work you will both need to pull your weight on the childcare front. I would really recommend establishing a new routine early on as it can be hard to change the status quo once it's underway and an uneven distribution tends to lead to resentment.

It is really tough but if you approach it as a team you can make it work. The really tough bit is quite short lived, my DS1 is now nearly 3 and I honestly think he'd be bored stupid at home full time! He loves nursery and it has been so good for his development. I cried buckets in the early days but it did all work out in the end.

For my 2DD who were breastfed once solids were introduced and I thought they were only night feeding for comfort not hunger I just stopped. When they woke I would cuddle, sing etc DD to sleep but not feed. DD1 took a week DD2 only 3 days before sleeping through. Don't get me wrong those few days are tough but I would still pick up and cuddle just not feed and so not to confuse her I now never feed her in the bedroom.
Whatever you try good luck

‘It is really tough but if you approach it as a team you can make it work.’

The above statement sums it up. I’ve no doubt it would have been easier short term for me to stay at home (or conversely for me to return to work but with dh home full time to take care of things) rather than bite the bullet and face those early starts, getting the baby fed and up and all of us out in the morning. But once you’re in the flow it gets easier. And I’m so so glad we did it. In part because like you OP I have a good job, I wanted to continue in it and have the long term financial security. But equally because it really means working as a team with your dh, which I feel benefited our children hugely seeing first hand that we both got stuck in, whether it was earning money or changing a nappy. It’s definitely given us a good balance so that neither of us feel we’ve missed out on career or caring.
It’s horses for courses and I know some couples are happy doing things differently. But as it seems it’s just the practicalities of having a Terrible sleeper which is the barrier to you feeling you can cope, that’s something sortable and hopefully will result in a happier more settled baby

You really need to get the sleep sorted. There’s no way you can function properly at work if you are not getting a full nights sleep. I don’t know how you can function at home!!’

For me, going back to work both times were transformative. I bf so shoving a boob in their mouth each time they cried was an easy solution but did mean that they learned to rely on my exclusively for comfort. When I was at work, they couldn't. I also couldn't handle the several times a night wake up so was more resolute in sleep training and got them down to 1 or 2 wake ups a night quite quickly (DC1 was over when she slept through; DC2 was 3.5yrs).
More importantly, we arranged things so that on two of the days I worked (I was only working 3 days), DH not only did drop off but I went in so early that the DC were awake (and had had a feed) but weren't dressed etc before I left. DH was solely responsible for that and it meant he had to step up and do things which previously had automatically fallen to me. It was great for his relationship with the children and for our relationship. We did make life as easy as possible so the children had breakfast at nursery and we kept sets of spare clothes there as well as wellies & coats and nappies and things but he was still responsible for getting them ready & there. I also loved the sense of freedom on those mornings of skipping out of the house not worrying if I was smeared in weetabix or feeling exhausted after cajoling a toddler into clothes (DC1 preferred to spend life naked other than pants and a superhero cape or fairy wings or a crown or some other accessory from the dressing up box).
Me having gone back to work also come in very handy when DH was unexpectedly made redundant too. If we were careful, we knew that my salary could cover food etc, savings & his pay off could cover the mortgage for a good few months and he could do the childcare. If he didn't get a job in the first few months, then I would have gone back up to full time, something which just wouldn't have been possible had I been not working.
It is so hard to think about work at this stage as you are very much in the baby days but they change so much and so quickly that the seemingly impossible becomes possible. There are other factors too - all of the friends I had made on mat leave went back to work and I found my days quite lonely; days with a mobile 1yo are very different to days with a baby; days with a trantrumming toddler are different again and I longed to go & see my rational colleagues.
I worked Tues, Weds, Fri which was unconventional and picked solely as that was when nursery had availability but suited me perfectly. I never had the Sunday night blues; if we'd been away for the weekend or just been busy, I could do some domestic catch up on the Mondays; by Monday evening, I was well & truly ready for work, two consecutive days gave me a chance to really focus but I wasn't away from the children for too long, fun day on Thursday with some domestic stuff if I wanted/needed to get ahead for the weekend and was in the office for Friday to deal with any crises and the last Friday of the month 4pm drinks-

Wow thanks for some great replies. I’m feeling more optimistic about working as a team and getting DD sorted at nursery. I’m going to start looking at the sleep issues ASAP. It’s just I get so tired and give up. Then DH is up so early I feel guilty if he doesn’t get much sleep- even though obviously I’m up early too!

Had a settling in session today and DD cried a lot when I left the room! It’s going to be very hard to leave her.

Hey OP, my sympathies on the sleep. My dd was a terrible sleeper (awake every 45mins, I fed every time just to shut her up) at that age and like you I found sleep training really hard and just caved to her every time. Went back 3 days a week to work and it was great! I was totally broken with exhaustion but being able to sit quietly at my desk with a hot cup of tea and get on with my work was such a relief from running around after a demanding 1 year old and dd loved nursery so felt good about doing it. I actually felt like work was my down time. Nursery was also great for getting her into a proper routine which I really struggled with and for getting her to sleep in a cot (because they have to!). Bad sleep continued for another couple of months but then suddenly one day she just started sleeping. People have great advice here on the sleep training and if you can do that then great but if not perhaps don’t base your decision on something that will likely change really soon anyway. Best of luck with whatever route you choose and hope it works out for you .

Oh also this sounds weird but I realised that the ‘doing it all’ thing with work and home was a bit misleading. When I was at home it was full on all day from start to finish, same if at work. You aren’t doing both at the same time you are doing one or the other. Same when I eventually went back full time. People would ask me how I manage but obviously someone else was looking after my child while at work, I wasn’t doing both at the same time. It did help that our nursery did breakfast so all I did was get up, dressed, breastfeed and go - so no faffing around wiping porridge off the walls .

Honestly I think it’s the breast feeding. Can you stop?

Also totally get you on the giving up with the sleep stuff. I was always so determined in the evening to stick to the plan but at 3am all resolved dried up and I just cracked. It’s not ideal as people have said but don’t beat yourself up, it is so hard.

Muddytoes thank you, I think once she’s settled she will enjoy nursery. I am also secretly looking forward to a lunch hour!

Gregory it may be the breastfeeding but honestly, I don’t want to stop. I love feeding her and want to for longer especially while she starts nursery. I think I will need to night wean soon though.

Some people hate sleep training and some swear by it.

For me it's a 'no' too - I'm not having my child vomiting because they're so stressed and upset. I don't care how many people tell me it works. I accidentally left my older son once as we'd moved house and I hadn't heard him. By the time I heard him and got to him he was utterly inconsolable. He was hyperventilating, couldn't stop crying, was shaking, had been sick. It's just not happening.

I like Anenome's idea and I'm going to try it myself!

OP - I know how you feel. I have a 1 year old who is a very erratic sleeper and I'm back at work 3 days too. Some days I feel like a complete zombie and only get through with a lot of caffeine but the cleaner is a help (which I know you're planning on) and my DH shares the nighttimes which is essential.

Make sure your DH is aware that he'll be sharing the nighttime now. Are you planning to wean her? I wasn't able to breastfeed and whilst that still makes me quite sad at times, the good point is that either me or DH has always been able to settle/comfort him.

I'm afraid that your DH needs to assist a bit more. Can he start work later? My DH does two drop offs (school and childminder) per week so I can get in early enough to leave at a reasonable time plus does all the cooking and shares bath time, bed time, feeds and night time so we can rotate getting an early night when necessary.

This is the necessity when you don't have kids who sleep well.

Ypou need some help and support with the sleep. NOT controlled crying but you are perpetuating the problem breast feeding through the night. Find some help to wean her off

You don’t have to stop entirely, just at night. You can still feed last thing before bed and first thing in the morning, but the milk bar is closed at 3am!

I feel for you as I was in a very similar situation with my second child. I went back to work when she was 5 months and a terrible sleeper. I would honestly urge you to take the career break if you can. I found that first year of being back at work so tough, I piled on the weight and was just pulled in so many directions. There's nothing to say you have to jump back into work straight away and one year out of your whole career/pension etc is nothing. Yes it is doable to go back but doesn't mean it's necessary, why push yourself, enjoy this time you have. Good luck!

I was glad I went to work part time when mine were 12 months. The sleeping got a lot better around that time too. I think I started offering only water in night. Boob morning and bedtime..after work too esp if I needed to empty.