I'm nervous sharing my heart here, but I'm lost and hurt and just need some advice <3 I was seeing this guy for a few months. I had just come out of an emotionally abusive relationship, and it just happened that we clicked. He was a nice guy, but I said I didn't want to be an item until I felt ready. Over a couple of months I saw that he treated me well, and was emotionally available. I was still healing, and had never not rushed into a full blown relationship, so this was my first 'casual' situation. He said he understood, and to take my time. I slept with an acquaintance , nothing more than trying to get over the past, and still found myself drawn to actually building a relationship with the other guy. We became official, and suddenly his understanding and empathy reduced and we were arguing all the time. He didn't know Id been with someone else up to this point. When I couldn't find a way to mend things, I tried to work at it, and it wasn't going well, we discussed ending things, and it came out that I'd been with someone before we became a couple.He was furious and understandably hurt. It caused further damage as we tried to move past things. Months of on and off again, him being cruel and me upsetting him not getting it right, we broke up again, and he blocked me and said never to contact him again. I was really hurt, and we hadn't been intimate in ages, due to all the ups and downs, and he has M.E. due to a wild lifestyle, so doesn't have a high sex drive, so being hurt and lonely, I hooked up with the same casual acquaintance to try and move on for good. I really thought we were over and I just wanted to stop hurting. Over the next few weeks, he was texting me and we rekindled things. He made some positive changes, gave up smoking, tried to take more time off from working in a nightclub to spend time together, I could see him trying to work on his communication again. I reinvested in us. I saw that when I'd been hurt and felt unloved and unwanted, I'd been pushing away and saying hurtful things, and I had also hurt him. I wanted to dedicate to us because I could see if we both stopped pushing each other away (both had abandoning parents) we could just give and love each other. I had never had a steady loving partner before, always drawn to narcissistic men who messed me up. When I had felt pushed away, cause he would tell me to leave, I said I'd go off with another, even though, in all honesty, I didn't want to and was just hurt. He asked me about who I'd meant when I said that, and I said just someone I'd been with before him, cos I didn't want to connect the dots and hurt him further by saying the person I'd been with when we were casual. Getting myself into further knots, he felt like I had lied about the people I had said I'd been with before him, so I confessed and said I had meant the casual guy, but I've no interest and I was just saying it cos I was hurt. He felt like his trust was lost, and we had a couple of better days after that fight. Last night he brought that trust issue up again, and I felt pushed, and accidentally let slip about being with the guy when we broke up instead of before we were official. He knew, and I had to tell him the truth. He was livid. Told me he'd never see me again, got a taxi and blocked me on everything. I've devastated. I feel shame, he things I'm an awful human being, but my friends and family have been understanding and say we were broken up and he has no right. I feel like crap and wish I could make this better. It's been a lot of ups and downs, but we're both just two hurt people who really do love each other and I haven't a clue how to fix things or what to do.