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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Scared of pregnancy

20 replies

Ruby88 · 08/04/2019 18:03

Ok so me and my partner have decided we both want to start a family I came off the pill in January and have gave my body chance to get back to normal , now we are actively trying for a baby I’m so scared about this decision I know I want a family but scared of being pregnant and the labour and also I have never been maternal so I’m worried that I won’t bond with my baby is this all normalc? Will I feel different once I have had a baby ?

OP posts:

Connieston · 08/04/2019 18:07

What else is going on, how old are you? How long have you been together? It's a big decision so you're right to think it through.

Original poster

Ruby88 · 08/04/2019 18:28

Hi I’m 30 my partner is 29 we have been together 12 years not married yet but wish that had happened before but I’m worried about getting to old etc so decided to come off the pill , but I’m not maternal and I’m worried that this is a big thing in becoming a parent ?

OP posts:

7salmonswimming · 08/04/2019 18:36

If you want to have a baby together, get married first if there's any chance you'll ever stop working. Given you don't know what the future holds, get married first.

You're not too old to wait a year.

If you're not maternal and are scared about pregnancy and childbirth, it's natural to ask why you want to have a child? Seriously. Think about it long and hard. It's not something you should do on a whim, or because everyone else is, or because you "should", or "why not?".

Honestly, if you'd exchanged 'having a baby' with 'buying a car', it'd make more sense. As it stands....well. As above.

Slicedpineapple · 08/04/2019 18:40

If the idea of carrying and giving birth to a child scares you and you aren't maternal, I can't understand why you are wanting to try for a baby.

Concerns around bonding with your baby and being scared of trying do ring alarm bells - are you wanting to do this for your partner or both of you?

I agree you aren't too old to wait a year. Personally I'd give it more time in getting your thoughts straight and get married first if that is what you truly want to do.

Divgirl2 · 08/04/2019 18:47

I wasn't maternal, hated kids. I bonded fine with DS (more than fine, he's my favourite thing I'm the whole world...most of the time). I also wasn't married (DP was supposedly infertile and I was on the pill AND TAKING IT PROPERLY).

That said, it seems strange to plan a child without being married. You'd have so much more security if you were married.

Original poster

Ruby88 · 08/04/2019 19:42

Yes that all makes sense thankyou , well my partner was worried I would never want kids hence why we haven’t got married as I was always unsure , but now I feel like marriage will wait and we will have a child first I kno that having a family is right for me just scared about the baby stage and being at home all the time doing baby things I think once it’s around 1 I will feel better I think I just struggle with baby’s not sure why

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 08/04/2019 19:46

If you're not maternal why do you want a baby? Is it what your partner wants?

Original poster

Ruby88 · 08/04/2019 19:49

I just don’t get that feeling women get with baby’s , I don’t think that means you can’t be a mum I’m just not maternal ,yes my parnert wants children

OP posts:

Makirocks23 · 08/04/2019 19:59

Just my experience but I was married 8 years and really did want children, not maternal at all, my husband and I spent a lot of our twenties travelling.
When I hit 34 we spoke about children, again no material instinct but I suddenly realised I didn’t want to be old and have no children or grandchildren around.
I was terrified throughout my pregnancy and truly hated the experience but then my son was born, I have never felt anything like it, he is amazing and has turned me into an emotional wreck. I now have two young boys and I won’t pretend it’s easy, most days have a crappy element to them but I also laugh more than I ever have and have an overwhelming sense of love.
I still wouldn’t describe myself as maternal and only had my second child as I thought my first should have a sibling. I also am ambivalent over other people’s children panic slightly when other parents coo over my boys as I never know what to say back about their children but feel I have to say something!

7salmonswimming · 08/04/2019 19:59

Spend a couple of hours on the Relationships board, if you want to know the reality of being an unmarried SAHM. Then multiply what you read x100 given you don't seem particularly excited about having a child.

Get married first. Other people's mistakes are right there for you to learn from.

If your boyfriend doesn't want to marry you because he thinks you won't have his baby and he'll be stuck with you - well, he's certainly looking after himself alright.

Makirocks23 · 08/04/2019 20:00

Should also add that I also think my second child is awesome!

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 08/04/2019 20:01

OP do YOU want a baby?

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 08/04/2019 20:04

Please get married. It's really not 'just a piece of paper', it will help to protect you and your child should the worst happen.

I was not maternal at all until I had my first child, I was never one for holding babies or anything. Your own child is completely different, you're hard-wired to love them from the first moment.

Original poster

Ruby88 · 08/04/2019 20:05

I think I do understand his point of view because if we was to of got married and then I never changed my mind about children when he definitely wants them then we have got married and both want different things then it would never work so in a way I’m glad that we are not but I feel that having a child is the next step just very nervous and worried as I’ve never had a lot to do with baby’s and children , I kno in the future I can imagine xmas etc with a little one just scared about the baby stage and the pressure on our relationship etc as we both come from divorced parents

OP posts:

Glitterblue · 08/04/2019 20:21

Oh my goodness, you are so not alone, I was terrified at the thought of pregnancy and birth, to the point i put it off until I was 32 and had been with my husband for 9 years. I was absolutely petrified and honestly thought I would never be a mum. But eventually I bit the bullet and we started trying and honestly, being pregnant was not scary like I thought it would be. I loved it. My worst nightmare the whole way through was the thought of a C-section even though I was terrified to give birth naturally.... And I ended up having to have an emergency section which I coped with just fine when the time came. I was scared about being a mum even though I desperately wanted to be one but I've loved every minute and we're really close.

Original poster

Ruby88 · 08/04/2019 20:28

That’s great well done you glitter girl I do sometimes feel alone because u feel like everything should work out in a certain order but it doesn’t I’m happy to wait and get married once we have had a baby but just overthink the whole being pregnant giving birth thing I have a supportive partner and family and I know that we will cope just worry that not being that excited about nappy’s and sleepless nights is normal surely no one looks forward to that part but the other things make it worth while

OP posts:

Angeladelight · 08/04/2019 20:32

Re: the marriage thing. It is a lot easier to get unmarried than to un-have a child.

Beclaboo · 08/04/2019 20:32

Why on earth would you need to be pregnant first? What am I missing? Surely a will would cover everything marriage would? No?

OneDayillSleep · 08/04/2019 20:41

Are you sure you want to have children? I’m not really convinced. While I didn’t look forward to sleepless nights I looked forward to actually having a baby and a family of my own. Are you just wanting one because your partner does and you think you should because of your age and it’s the “next step”?

In your position I’d get married first.

WonderTweek · 08/04/2019 20:49

Oh gosh I was the same! I was desperate for a baby but wasn't keen on the idea of pregnancy, terrified of labour and I never liked other people's babies. When I did a positive test I felt sick with fear and it took us both a while to get used to the idea. Unfortunately we lost the first baby but it made us more determined to try again and I got pregnant quickly, but I was still nervous about everything and preferred not to think about stuff like giving birth. So you're definitely not alone! Labour was hard but doable, but it took me a couple of weeks to bond with the baby because I'm just not a very maternal person and babies were very odd to me (also the sleepless nights and stress were pretty horrible) - however, when I bonded with my little boy I bonded hard and it's the most wonderful thing. I'm so glad we did it and we now have our son. I'm still not the stereotypical mother hen cooing at my child (ok, maybe a bit) but I adore him and we have such a laugh together. And he's only 2 years old. Lol. I think I'm stopping here and not having anymore as I feel that one is enough for me, but I'm so glad I had my son.

I spent all my life not wanting kids but something changed when I was around 28 and suddenly I became interested in having my own baby. I was never a baby person and I'm still not particularly interested in other people's babies (maybe slightly more now that I roughly know what they do at X age so I kind of know what the parents are talking about) but my own is great. It's a scary prospect but if you want to do it then you'll have to take the plunge and see what happens. Equally if you're not sure it's always worth waiting for a bit and having a think, but you're definitely not alone with your feelings of uncertainty.

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