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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel uncomfortable about husband going on stag weekend?

40 replies

Tiffaliffers · 08/04/2019 15:45

Before anyone judges me and slams me for being controlling or that I should trust the man I married, we live in the real world so hear me out.

I adore and, for the most part, trust my DH. Admittedly, however, he does have a habit of lying for the sake of convenience - it is the result of an overbearing mother and always weighing up the option of if he's going to get in trouble anyway, he can either admit it and definitely get told off or lie about it and at least then there's a small chance he won't get told off.

For some reason, this has transferred into our relationship and oftentimes, for the sake of avoiding an argument or having to admit he has/hasn't done something, he will lie. In the past, he could keep it up for months but since telling him how it made me feel and that it was breaking down the trust between us, he has recognised it is an issue and now it takes less asking to get to the truth, but before I really had to press him.

He's also very much a people pleaser and has admitted he will often do what he thinks is best for the person he is with at the time and worries about the consequences later. Never in anything too serious, but there was a case of a female work colleague who crossed an infinite number of lines and he didn't confront her about it so as not to hurt anyone's feelings.

Anyway, he has a childhood friend whom he lost touch with and I and his respective girlfriend, now fiancee, helped patch up their friendship - cue regret. He isn't exactly the best person in the world and constantly brags about getting with other girls, going to strip clubs, etc. His stag do is in a couple of weeks, it's a 3-day weekend affair and I'm starting to panic.

A) I'm worried something might happen and DH will feel pressured to join in
B) something happens and he doesn't tell me (I've been cheated on before and the worst part for me was always the not knowing until later)

What would you ladies do? Given his track record and history of lying, would you be cool with him going? It's going to involve a pretty heavy night out on the Saturday and I can only imagine what they will get up to. HELP!

OP posts:

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 08/04/2019 15:49

I wouldn’t do anything. You certainly can’t tell him whether or not he can go.

Original poster

Tiffaliffers · 08/04/2019 15:51

@WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue I am trying very hard to be cool with it, but as his wife, is it unreasonable for me to ask he not go on the night out?

OP posts:

Whiskeyqueen2457 · 08/04/2019 15:52

I'm in the exact same situation, even down to the stag do being for three days in a few weeks.

Sadly cant offer any advice but I'll be watching with interest.

Youshallnotpass · 08/04/2019 15:52

It's not unreasonable to ask, if you explain the rationale behind your thinking.

It is unreasonable to insist or tell him he can't go however.

HolyForkingShirt · 08/04/2019 15:57

You either trust him or you don't. If you think he will get with girls just because his mate is, and lie to you about it, why on earth are you with him?

It would be controlling to tell him not to go. It doesn't matter about his past - either you accept it and move on, or dump him.

teyem · 08/04/2019 15:57

He lies to you for the sake of convenience because of his over-bearing mother?

Did you fall for that or did you generate it for the sake of convenience?

adulthumanwolf · 08/04/2019 15:58

I think it's unreasonable to ask him not to go. You either trust him or you don't.

If you think he might cheat on you then you might as well divorce him. If you ask him not to go you're saying you don't trust him.

Babooshkar · 08/04/2019 16:00

You can ask him, but he might still go and that’s his right.

The bigger problem is the fundamental lack of trust his past (and sounds like present) behaviour has created between you. The way you talk about him is almost like you’re explaining away his responsibility for any wrongdoing - just because he had a controlling mother doesn’t excuse him from a lifetime of lying.

How old is he? I think if he was early 20’s then he still has time to change but if he’s older and still able to be ‘led astray’ and is so feeble of mind that he can’t decide what is right or wrong then you really should reconsider if you can stay in this relationship.

Sorry if it’s offensive but you come across like his parent, rather than his wife/partner.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 08/04/2019 16:01

but as his wife, is it unreasonable for me to ask he not go on the night out?

Of course it is, OP. You would be asking him not to go because you don’t trust him and that is unacceptable.

Order654 · 08/04/2019 16:03

Yes it’s unreasonable to ask him not to go.

Had he ever actually cheated on you? You clearly don’t trust him.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 08/04/2019 16:04

as his wife, is it unreasonable for me to ask he not go on the night out?

Yes. You married him, you didn’t take ownership of him. You have absolutely no right to ask him not to go and you can’t make him responsible for your fears and past experiences.

By all means share your concerns with him, but if he wants to go that’s his decision to make.

Original poster

Tiffaliffers · 08/04/2019 16:07

@teyem Knowing my MIL, it is believable - trust me. She never let him make any choices for himself and if he even slightly deviates from her plan for his life, she becomes unbearable. This is in fact the only part I do understand! What I don't understand is why I'm her in this scenario... Which brings me to:

@Babooshkar He has offered not to go at all, or to abide by certain 'rules' but it all does come back to the trust issue, you're absolutely right. I did warn him early on that this would happen, that each lie, however white or small, would chip away at that trust. And I think he is in a position of thinking like it's lose-lose either way, because how can he earn it back?

He is 27. He is leaps and bounds better than he was when I met him and we are about 90% there - it's just that last 10% where if something happened and I never knew, there's a chance he may never tell me.

It's not offensive at all - that's exactly how I feel sometimes. I will take some of the blame for that as I do have a dominant personality and I can see how he might create parallels between me and his mother in certain situations but we have both been trying to work on it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tiffaliffers · 08/04/2019 16:09

@Order654 No, he has never cheated on me. He and I do have different ideas about what is 'appropriate behaviour' though, but we had very different upbringings so have always tried to find a happy medium.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tiffaliffers · 08/04/2019 16:11

Maybe it's old fashioned but to me, if I knew something would affect him negatively and would hurt him in any way, I would more likely than not choose not to do it.

But I can understand how if I'm the one insisting that he not do it, it's no longer a choice and that would be controlling.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tiffaliffers · 08/04/2019 16:13

I suppose it's a triple threat of his previous lying, his commitment to avoiding or delaying confrontation, and his eagerness to please whoever he is with at the time. All of these are failings that he recognises though.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 08/04/2019 16:18

You either trust him or you don't. If you think he will get with girls just because his mate is, and lie to you about it, why on earth are you with him?

Agree.

Also, lying is my pet peeve it makes me so angry when someone lies to my face

happydays00 · 08/04/2019 16:21

@Tiffaliffers if you can't trust your DH to go on a night out then I would think there are some greater issues in your relationship.

I don't particularly get excited about the prospect of my DH going on a 3 day stag do but that's because I dread the hungover state he comes home in, not because I don't trust him or panic about potential decisions he will make when he's with a group of friends.

What is it you feel most panicked about?

Happyspud · 08/04/2019 16:21

I think it’s time to sit down and tell him that you can’t fulky trust him and why. The stag do is a red herring. You need to either get yourselves to a place where you do trust him or brush your feelings under the carpet or find a partner you can trust.

GreatDuckCookery · 08/04/2019 16:23

He’s a grown man, he can’t be forced into anything he doesn’t want to do OP.

Eliza9919 · 08/04/2019 16:31

Attach a dashcam to him OP and be done with it.

Or leave him and get with someone you trust.

OakElmAsh · 08/04/2019 16:37

I suppose it's a triple threat of his previous lying, his commitment to avoiding or delaying confrontation, and his eagerness to please whoever he is with at the time.

If these 3 things mean you think he can't go on a stag, what about other situations ? A work trip ? An overnight to go to a footie match ? A weekend for a hobby ?
If you don't trust his judgement in this situation, then you don't trust his judgement, full stop.

Original poster

Tiffaliffers · 08/04/2019 16:38

Ok, understand the 'leave him and get with someone you trust' advice but it almost feels like the blame is shifted onto me for not trusting him when I started out this relationship 100% trusting him (we were long distance for over a year at the start - didn't really have a choice!) and he chipped away at that?

I don't think my only choices are suck it up or leave him - we have made a commitment to one another, it doesn't seem as simple as that.

I guess I just wanted to know if any of you would consider asking him not to go or to only go to half as a sort of compromise? Plenty of the guys aren't going on the night out. I don't want to come across as controlling but at the same time I'm not going to pretend I'm ok with it?

OP posts:

Original poster

Tiffaliffers · 08/04/2019 16:42

OakElmAsh I absolutely see what you're saying and yes, I suppose it would apply to all of those instances too.

Example: He had a work trip away once in the town I went to uni and where we met so he invited me up for the Friday to Sunday bit, as he only had to work a bit on Friday. Got there Thursday night and his room was next to the previously mentioned flirty female colleague. She knocked on his door at midnight and he wanted me to hide in the bathroom so he could answer it. I lost my marbles! We had a huge argument that night but then he agreed her behaviour towards him was generally inappropriate and that he hadn't handled it in the best way. We had been married a couple of months at this point - things have obviously changed since then and he would never get into a situation like that with a work colleague again. (To be clear, he didn't do anything to instigate her advances but nor did he do anything to stop them...)

She got extra persistent after we got married.

OP posts:

OakElmAsh · 08/04/2019 16:51

I'm not saying this is your fault Tiffaliffers - its just that if he can't be trusted to do simple activites that many adluts do, on hos own, without your supervision, then you have bigger problems than a stag weekend.

You can't babysit him for the rest of your marriage, so he either matures and you can trust him, or he doesn't, and you can't

Original poster

Tiffaliffers · 08/04/2019 16:55

@OakElmAsh - You're absolutely right, and from that perspective, I can see how the controlling parent/lying child would actually translate into our marriage.

It's obviously not how I want our marriage to be. So maybe if I back off a bit and give him a clean slate, I guess, it might be the chance he needs to mature and start being more of a partner?

OP posts:

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