AIBU to ask where I went wrong?

[MummyStruggles]

Okay, maybe I know where but more of a how can I undo the damage.

My daughter is 10 years old and she has been an absolute dream from birth, always slept really well and very well behaved, polite, friendly and bright, does well in school and has a good group of friends.

She was off for the first week of Easter holidays last week (even though it's nowhere near Easter yet - don't get me started - that's a whole new thread) and I tried my best to keep her entertained all week. It was very expensive but we had fun and a good week off.

One of the days, early in the morning, I got a call from my Mum telling me that my sister had been rushed to hospital, in an ambulance, with severe bleeding and vomiting. We were all really worried about her and rushed around to help with childcare etc. Turned out to be very serve food poisoning.

I left my daughter at home with my husband and when she woke up she asked my husband where I was, naturally. He proceeded to tell her that her Auntie had been rushed to hospital very poorly to which she replied "Oh, so I get we're not going shopping today then"!! I had said that that day we could go and do some shopping but obviously I didn't know this was going to happen with my sister.

I mean, how selfish can a 10 year old child be? There was no "Oh, I really hope Aunite X is okay" or anything like that. Just such blatant selfishness that she wasn't going to be getting what was promised.

I don't know where I went wrong. All week I tried to give her fun things to do and tried to have a nice week off.

Don't get me wrong, she is very grateful, always thank yous and telling me how much of a good time she's having, very appreciative but ALWAYS looking for the next thing, ALWAYS waiting for what's next, like what she's already had isn't enough.

I know I only have myself to blame because I've allowed it to happen but how do I now undo the damage of her being so selfish?

I just keep thinking about her immediate response when finding out her lovely Auntie was very poorly and I'm disappointed. I just want her to grow up a nice, kind person.

She’s 10, I’m 37 and I would have probably been thinking the same but as a adult we learn not to say it out loud and to give the correct response, she’s not quite there yet which is pretty normal for a 10 year old. Hope your sister is on the mend x

My DD would probably have said similar in response to that news at that age, and it would have been her mentally re-jigging her expectations for the day. Your DD's tone isn't clear from your post, but to me that just sounds like she's checking the facts - 'ok, so that means a change of plan and we won't be going shopping after all'. My DD isn't at all grabby, though, so I wouldn't interpret it as selfish, just needing to know what's going on.

I think you've got unrealistic expectations of a 10 year old,tbh.

@PeachesAndMayo that made me laugh!

Overreaction OP.
She's 10.
Just have a quiet word and explain that her response was a bit disappointing but you also understand her disappointment.
And leave it there.

I had to reread that to make sure that I understood what your aibu was! She obviously was looking forward to shopping with you (an event she knows about and has experience about) but being 10, I doubt she's had time to learn about empathy yet. You're being very harsh on her. Where you went wrong is that you're treating her like an adult and she's not going to be for quite some time.

I can never get over how selfish children are. DD is 14 and still like it.

I'd save the "where did I go wrong?" stuff for when she's a teenager, saying out all night smoking crystal meth and mugging old ladies.

It's simply the response of 10 year old with the immaturity that goes with that age. For all she knew you might be back shortly. Hence the question.

She’s ten, you’re overreacting.

Well done for accepting you got it wrong
It's hard for us to remember being that age sometimes
But I do vividly remember being about that age and being allowed to stay up late with my sister to watch the Vikings (Tony curtis film not the TV version). Then my aunt phoned to say my cousin, who I barely knew, had been killed on his motorbike.
I remember being really pissed off about being sent to bed and missing the end of.the film. As if it was going to being him back! I had no compassion at all.
I couldn't comprehend it at all

You know you have over reacted here! Just to add my own cringe making anecdote...

In 1982 I was at boarding school and my father was working at MoD in London. He was going to come and take me out for tea one weekend. However a few days before, the war with Argentina started over the Falkland Islands. This meant my dad and colleagues were put on war footings and so obviously plans had to be cancelled. I was more upset about not going out for tea than anything else: and some of my school mates parents were actually sailing off to war! I cringe at the memory of my selfishness.

Iirc there is actually some scientific research which shows that older children/teens have less empathy as they grow up.

I don’t think it’s selfish per se, more a way in which kids process things, but it can be difficult for adults.

We’ve recently had a bereavement in the family, it was very much expected, but on having been told that their mum had died the DC asked if they could go to the park. But that doesn’t mean they haven’t been upset about it, and they’ve certainly struggled since, but this was how they processed it at the exact time and the rest has followed iyswim.

I agree it's not an awful thing to say, just a fact she was assimilating. Don't hammer her down for it, also maybe don't go so mad on treats and activities just as it does create the expectation for more of the same! Fir example if I say my kids can spend a pound in a gift shop they'll ask if it would be ok to have two, then see something for five and beg for more... then the other asks if he can have five too even though there's nothing he really wants... It's better just say at the outset no we aren't spending owt today. Have some very boring days to counter the exciting ones Relax a bit, it sounds like you're doing great.

I don't think it's selfish when children think of themselves other situations. Children just simply don't have a concept or understanding of deaht/loss in the same way adults do.

You hear it all the time when Dc say when is x coming home, when x has died. That type of thing, because they simply don't understand.

Thank you for your replies.

For the record though, I don't think I've "ripped her apart" for her comment; just a little disappointed, that's all.

As I've said, I do realise I overreacted somewhat and I admit I maybe expect a bit too much, considering she's only 10.

I'll try a more calmer approach going forward.

Actually, my DM lost both her parents when she was 10. She didn't really understand that her mum was dead when she saw her (her mum had died of a heart attack), she was talking afterwards about how to make her more comfortable. (Her mum had been unwell so she was used to that.)

She had been taken away by an uncle and aunt before her dad died 3 months later. The uncle abused her as well.

My DM is only now starting to process it all. In the past, she did tell us what happened, but she was always very matter of fact. Now she wants us to have a holiday near where she lived back then and visit her parents' grave and her old childhood old haunts.

I know someone whose Dad died when he was 8 - it was during the night when he was asleep . He was woken and told ... after an initial silence he said, "now that Dad's dead, can we get a cat?"

Children process things differently to adults...