Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DHs who buy lingerie as a “gift for you.”

50 replies

Questionaire · 08/04/2019 15:36

Hi hope I’m posting in the right place with this one, but was wondering what MN think is reasonable. For instance, if your DH regularly buys you lingerie, wouid this be considered as selfish in that it’s a gift for him, rather than you? My friend thinks the former; that it’s not a considerate or personal gift at all and also that it’s “pressurising” if his expectation is that you’ll be happy to wear it. Is / has anyone been in this situation and what do you think is reasonable please?

OP posts:

CostanzaG · 08/04/2019 17:52

My DH buys me lingerie and I buy him nice underwear.
We've always done it and both feel like it's just a nice thing to do.

StatisticallyChallenged · 08/04/2019 17:55

Depends on the person and on the lingerie! I love nice bras but I'm very picky about fit and you're not going to catch me in some scratchy ann summers number. DH buying me a nice set from bravissimo, all good and a present for both of us. Scratch nylon bodystocking, not so much

paddyplaistow · 08/04/2019 18:00

My late DH used to buy me lovely lingerie, well, matching undewear it was lovely. He didn't care what I wore, but he knew I liked it. It was a treat for me.

HippyChickMama · 08/04/2019 18:02

I think it depends too. I'm big boobed and I like Curvy Kate underwear but it's more expensive than I would buy for myself for daily wear so dh will occasionally buy me a set for my birthday or Christmas. It's nice without being overtly 'sexy' and there's definitely no expectation attached. If he bought cheap nylon tat from Ann Summers (not that he would) I'd think he had an ulterior motive.

Original poster

Questionaire · 08/04/2019 18:08

Yes I don’t mind at all if it’s a bra and knickers set or a silk robe etc - that feels like it’s for me. As I said, he doesn’t buy tacky stuff and I don’t mind wearing lingerie if I’m in the mood, but sometimes with 4 DC I’m just too tired. He could get me some nice bath stuff or perfume instead, for instance. My friend asked why I’m not upset about this, so I was wondering if I should be? She said, “He’s not really thinking about “you” is he?”

OP posts:

CandidaAlbicans · 08/04/2019 18:10

Unless the underwear bought was of the practical/everyday/not sexy type or I'd specifically requested it, then I'd consider it a present for him and not be impressed.

Loopytiles · 08/04/2019 18:12

Depends what you, the receiver, feel about it. It sounds like you have mixed feelings about it, and that he gets you lingerie rather than other things you would like more.

Which suggests that your friend has a point.

Connieston · 08/04/2019 18:14

It sounds as if the timing is out. You love him but right now you'd kill for something nurturing and loving. Have a chat with him and give him some pointers. I ended up with some absolutely lovely flannel candy-striped PJ's from my XH after a similar chat and I wore them to threads.

AnnaMagnani · 08/04/2019 18:17

Debatable. I'd have to want the lingerie and it not be the only present I ever got.

Anything that came that didn't fit, I didn't like, looked like it was made for his sexual fantasy woman not the woman he was with, came with an expectation of sex the first time I wore it would be a no.

Am sure I can add other things to that list.

Lockheart · 08/04/2019 18:18

If it was nice, can-wear-out-of-the-house stuff, I'd love it.

If it was bedroom-only stuff that I'd been looking at and wanted, I'd love it.

If it was bedroom-only stuff that is the kind of thing I like, I'd be ok with that.

If it was something completely random, I might like it depending on what it is.

In summary, it depends on a) how much you like lingerie and b) the state of your sex life. If your sex life is such that your DH / DP buying something like that feels like pressure, then I'd argue the lingerie isn't really the problem. If your sex life is such that you don't use lingerie and he suddenly presents you with it, that suggests poor communication. If he knows you hate it and gets it anyway, he's a prat.

Breathingfire · 08/04/2019 18:20

I love lingerie but tbh I don't like spending the £40+ on it so love it when husband buys me some I'm very happy. Although if it's for a birthday I like something I don't go red talking about to other people to

Original poster

Questionaire · 08/04/2019 18:21

This is the thing, I don’t think he’d buy me any type of clothing or lingerie if it was on the practical / wearable side. It’s like that’s just not in his radar. Maybe he doesn’t feel it’s personal or special enough, or maybe he’s got a one-track mind when it comes to women’s clothing. I buy him clothes too, for instance, if I think he needs underpants or some shirts I’ll just pick them up if I’m in the shops, but It’s not the same thing.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 08/04/2019 18:22

I don't want anyone but me buying my underwear, and I want it to be comfortable and practical (boring old fart here).

So I would have no interest at all in sexy underwear or matching sets etc. I wouldn't be impressed and would probably agree with your friend.

However, if you actually like it then fine.

happyhillock · 08/04/2019 18:25

Men buy what they would like you to wear, i buy my own

Siameasy · 08/04/2019 18:27

It’s not our thing so I would cringe. The stuff in Victoria’s Secret makes me cringe and DH feels the same. I can’t get into any of that stuff at all. Partly cos I’m really fussy about clothing being comfortable. Still scarred for life mentally by itchy ill-fitting bras back in the 80s!
I’d not be offended or upset per se but it’s so not me I’d feel I had to wear it and if you feel uncomfortable as I would that’s not good.

Loopytiles · 08/04/2019 18:28

Right, so he’s buying you “bedroom” lingerie that is more to his taste than yours?

Again, suggests that your friend has a point.

nokidshere · 08/04/2019 18:32

My best male friend buys all my lingerie. I absolutely love it

Why? How odd.

We don't buy each other underwear at all. If I want to surprise him in the bedroom I buy it myself. And I like to choose my own daily knickers.

lillymunster · 08/04/2019 18:33

Unless lingerie is something the woman is obviously really pleased with to receive as a gift and has shown a lot of interest in collecting then I think it's a gift to himself. The less the lingerie is what the woman likes, the more so.

Onescaredmuma · 08/04/2019 18:36

Gift for him! my DH did this one Christmas I was bloody mortified when I opened it in front of my dad

Slicedpineapple · 08/04/2019 18:36

DH hasn't bought me lingerie for years but I liked it when he did. If he were to buy it for me in a few months I'd still like it as it would make me feel nice in my post baby bod.

If it helps with making you feel pretty and more confident then I don't think it's a present for just men. I had some (tasteful) boudoir photos done before our wedding and those ended up being entirely for me rather than him because I felt a million dollars.

PickAChew · 08/04/2019 18:36

DH doesn't buy me lingerie but if he bought something flattering, comfortable and in a luxury fabric, I would probably be grateful.

If he bought me something constructed mostly of nylon lace and what feels like razor wire, I'd politely suggest he wore it himself, since he likes it so much.

Original poster

Questionaire · 08/04/2019 18:38

I guess if you buy it yourself then it’s more up to you as to when and where you wear it, but when it’s a gift that’s meant to make you feel special, then you feel more pressure to wear because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. As I said, I like what he buys, it’s not that, but sometimes if I’m tired it all feels a bit much. But it’s hard to tell him that without sounding grumpy.

OP posts:

Jolonglegs · 08/04/2019 18:55

I love lingerie and DP knows my size and exactly what I like. Comfy (frumpy?) everyday bras and knicks I buy myself, but love it when DP gives me something not everyday. Last item he bought was a gorgeous silk robe which I love to wear, both for him and me.

AnnaMagnani · 08/04/2019 19:05

Hurting someone else's feelings isn't the end of the world if they have been hurting yours. If you go through life never ever hurting anyone else's feelings, you do end up being a doormat.

If your DH buys you lingerie, and you like it, but it's simply an issue of style and quantity - sometimes you'd like to be valued in a different way than a gift of lingerie, and you have an otherwise loving and communicating relationship, hopefully this isn't a hurdle that you can't overcome.

For example you could say that you like it when he buys you lingerie and could you go and buy some together? And then steer him to stuff you like.

Or you could tell him which is your favorite out of what you have - presumably there is a bit that you feel is more for you than for him? And suggest what you'd like next eg silk robe.

Or next time he does it say that's lovely, do you know what I'd really like to go with it, some amazing perfume.

If he doesn't get the hint, you may just have to spit it out. Why shouldn't you be grumpy if he can't see who you really are?

StarlightLady · 08/04/2019 19:36

Yes please! I love nice undies and spend too much on them so if anyone wants to help me out ...

Over the years I have been bought lingerie by men l have been in friendships with, girlfriends and my sister. They have known what l like and bought accordingly.

Getting dressed with nice beginnings underneath it all makes you feel good each day.

I like matching sets, silk and lace. I don’t do plain cottons but nor do l do lingerie for the bedroom. When it’s time for sex with someone, it’s completely NAKED!

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread