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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we could ever work out in the future?

53 replies

Soundsgoodtome · 08/04/2019 10:50

I have someone special in my life and we’ve known eachother and been close for over ten years . The timing is all wrong. For reasons such as location, children, career and various parent and family commitments, we simply cannot make a go of things.i expect that in ten or so years Into the future , our lives won’t be as frantic and committed to outside influences. We know eachother ten years and have only got closer as the years go on .there is no issue with infidelity or illness so I’m just wondering if any of you have had this experience or know if any couple for whom it worked out eventually. I won’t put my life on hold and neither will he but despite there being a general consensus that ....if you want things to work , it’s possible ....... in this case it really doesn’t apply . Thank you for reading

OP posts:
Blueowls · 08/04/2019 11:51

What a charming way to treat his new girlfriend, he sounds a real catch Confused

I'd be running for the hills from anyone who treated their current partner with such duplicity and complete lack of regard.

TheChiefBMS · 08/04/2019 11:53

OP it really does sound like you are emotionally needy and he is taking advantage of you. He is not a good friend to you. He is merely filling that roll to keep a hold on you. He is being manipulative and unkind. Yes, he is certainly getting an ego boost. If he were a genuine friend, he would hide a friendship from the GF. He sounds completely toxic.

Do you have any good friends nearby you could confide in or lean on a little, instead of him? You need to resist the love bombing and stick to no contact. He isn't there for you except when it suits him.

He is bad for your MH and therefore your DC. See him as a threat to you all.

Original poster
Soundsgoodtome · 08/04/2019 11:53

I feel like an old coat. A tired , old, old coat . To be treated as someone special has really helped me to mentally cope with my child and the grief that goes with it. Maybe o was holding on in the faint hope . He makes me feel special. Do you really think he is just keeping me on the hook .he is so convincing to the contrary . Thanks

OP posts:
TheChiefBMS · 08/04/2019 11:54

*would not hide a friendship from GF

Shoxfordian · 08/04/2019 11:54

Yes he's keeping you as an option not a priority

You're not an old coat op, you're a pretty dress or a nice pair of jeans or some sparkly shoes. Don't let him treat you like this

bloodywhitecat · 08/04/2019 11:56

If he really wanted this he would find a way to make it work. As someone else said, he is just enjoying having you dangling on a thread.

TheChiefBMS · 08/04/2019 11:57

He is keeping you on the hook.

He has become an addiction. He makes you feel special occasionally (the high) but at the cost of feeling far less special overall (the come downs and withdrawal). He'll wreck your health.

PCohle · 08/04/2019 11:59

In real life it isn't romantic to have to fight for someone or win them back or overcome obstacles to be together.

Having to convince someone to love and prioritise you is just depressing.

You deserve so much better OP.

whitesoxx · 08/04/2019 12:00

Of course he is. He's not special and he's not a good friend. Honestly, he's damaging you and you need to cut ties with him.

You are the best of friends but his girlfriend doesn't know about you? That's not normal and why on earth would you accept second best.

Just block him and work on new friendships

Original poster
Soundsgoodtome · 08/04/2019 12:00

Thanks for the kind words

OP posts:
TheChiefBMS · 08/04/2019 12:00

Don't be too hard on yourself either. Men like him know how to select their victims. You are an emotional resource. I bet you and GF are not the only women he is in contact with.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 08/04/2019 12:06

Yes, he has a girlfriend of a few months who he says is casual and not at all serious

This is not a judgement of you, but of him. At some point in your future you might be in a relationship with him. You might get your happy ever after. But there will also come a point where he speaks about you the way he speaks about his current DP, because people who use others and compartmentalise their lives in this way don't generally stop. You cannot possibly allow him to keep you dangling on this string. Please consider cutting all ties for a year or so, taking stock of yourself and what you want (with no thoughts of what he might want) and work out what's going to bring you joy. This man won't. Flowers

dustarr73 · 08/04/2019 12:11

Sounds like you are the ow in an emotional sense.I think you need to block him and move on with your life.While you are keeping in contact with him you are stopping yourself from finding your own happiness.

And say in 10 years it still doesnt work out,you have wasted all that time,emotion and energy on someone who doesnt feel the same way.

TheChiefBMS · 08/04/2019 12:13

I do feel for you, OP. It is really hard to stay strong in these situations. No matter how convincing he is, he is lying and manipulating. It is difficult to resist the high he offers when you are feeling low or insecure. And these men cleverly make you insecure.

Do you have other friends or social life besides him? I know it can be hard if you are alone with a lot of responsibilities (it sounds like you do have a lot on). Could you work on other positives to distract yourself from your feelings for him?

corythatwas · 08/04/2019 12:17

Do you really think he is just keeping me on the hook .he is so convincing to the contrary.

If he cared about you, he would not be holding out hope by insisting that his gf was casual- he would either break off with her and be with you or not speak of her as something irrelevant. Does she know she is casual, I wonder?

If he cared about you as a friend he would not go behind his girlfriend's back: he would introduce you as a friend and signal clearly to both of you that that is what you are.

If you think about it, he is not treating either of you well, is he?

There are nicer men out there. There are better lives you can have.

milksoffagain · 08/04/2019 12:22

Im afraid you are an emotional wank to him - don't let him do that to you!!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/04/2019 12:24

You are worth so much more than to be this guy's back up option.

Loopytiles · 08/04/2019 12:27

He isn’t a friend. The less contact you have with him the better.

Seek contact and support from other people: people that you don’t wish for a future relationship with.

Numptysod · 08/04/2019 12:30

He is dating someone else, simple as that!

Original poster
Soundsgoodtome · 08/04/2019 14:11

I am aware that this is going to sound pathetic but I don’t know how to let go. I would feel cruel not responding to him or helping him

OP posts:
whitesoxx · 08/04/2019 14:18

He's the one being cruel. Just tell him this constant secretive texting isn't working for you anymore and you wish him a nice life with no hard feelings. Then block, delete and move on

Nearlythere1 · 08/04/2019 14:27

You say you feel like an old coat, another poster said he is keeping you on the hook. I dont know if she meant that pun but it works great. Don't let him hang you up like an old coat and take you off again when needed. This "relationship" is making you feel more like an old coat!! Ok i'll leave the metaphor now but I hope you get what i'm saying. Try to let go, take yourself off the hook that this is keeping you on. Once you release yourself you'll start to blossom. It may take a while but it will happen!

Original poster
Soundsgoodtome · 08/04/2019 15:15

Thanks. I think I will say it to him

OP posts:
Original poster
Soundsgoodtome · 09/04/2019 10:34

I wanted to come back and say thank you to all for your advice and kind words . I really thought about what you said and it seemed unanimous in that I was being used somewhat as an emotional crutch/ ego boost . So I read some of the baggage reclaim blog which set my hairs on my neck on stand up. I could relate to so very much and I found it great .in the middle of all of this, I had a long journey and an important meeting to attend. He knew this and if not busy with anything else and bored, he would usually be messaging with GREAT CONCERN .... usual platitudes. So there was no message,, no faux concern, nothing which speaks loudly. This was genuinely important and life changing in a sense , so by omission, it has cemented my feelings of absolute lackof care or interest when anything or anybody more interesting comes along . That lightbulb moment could not have been more timely so I am grateful to you all and I am going to say exactly what I have said here and finish this charade of a friendship and concentrate on myself . Thank you kindly .

OP posts:
TheChiefBMS · 09/04/2019 10:42

Good luck OP. You and your DC deserve much better than the treatment this man subjected you to. He is a user. Don't be hard on yourself. People like him are very manipulative and convincing. Only good people who don't think the way he does ever fall for it. I know a number of women who have been entangled in similar 'relationships' and all needed the wakeup call to come from other people. Take pride in seeing the folly in time to break out.

All the best. Flowers

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