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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be absolutely mortified at 10yo behaviour when away?

25 replies

ASnowballsChance · 08/04/2019 08:12

10yo DS confessed to being rather silly when away with scouts for the weekend. He said he was dared by four other boys to pull his trousers and pants down and jump up and down for some sweets. Despite being embarrassed he did it as he said they 'made him'. He does know that he made the wrong choice and feels a bit embarrassed about it now.

He hasn't actually told me, he told DH, which makes me think he is ashamed of his behaviour. I want to talk to him about it but don't want to blow it up to something big if it wasn't. I'm just so worried about the repercussions e.g the other boys telling their parents and word getting around school etc. I don't want to panic him but he needs to know that sort of behaviour isn't acceptable. Or is it just boys being boys?

OP posts:

GregoryPeckingDuck · 08/04/2019 08:16

It was just a silly dare. You are blowing it way out of proportion not least of alll because there is nothing morally wrong with it however you may need to remind him about the pants rule. Unfortunately there are a lot of perverts around and being so willing to expose himself could leave him vulnerable to abuse or, when he’s a bit older, lead to accusations of flashing.

GreenEggsHamandChips · 08/04/2019 08:16

Id be talking to the scouts leaders. Thats completely unacceptable behaviour on the part of the scouts

Beamur · 08/04/2019 08:16

Don't make him feel worse. Yes, it was silly, but really not nice of his 'friends' to encourage him to embarrass himself like that.
I would more concerned about the dynamics of those friendships to be honest. Other people gossipping, much less so.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 08/04/2019 08:16

I'd maybe not reference what happened but make sure to restate the private pants thing (quite a catchy song on you tube) - it's worrying he's so quick to do whatever they wanted for sweets.

Did any of them have mobile phones? Was it being recorded?

eyeoresancerre · 08/04/2019 08:17

I wouldn't worry too much at what he did; however I'd speak to him about peer pressure and being brave enough to say "no" when that peer pressure happens. I say that because if he is doing that for sweets he may need to be told how to set some stronger boundaries.
Don't worry what other parents say, I wouldn't be bothered if my son said another boy had done this. They are a bit obsessed with their willies and bums at this age.

Gatehouse77 · 08/04/2019 08:19

I wouldn't be cross with mine for doing that, more concerned that they were influenced and manipulated.

I think my tactic would be more about raising his self confidence to say no to such things. Lots os discussion about boundaries and being able to stand up against the crowd. And what to do/where to go if it were to escalate.

Arm him with information and strategies.

I would also have a quiet word with the scout leader to see if they can tackle it from within the pack through discussion, role play, etc. Not to seek punishment but to educate and inform.

UCOinanOCG · 08/04/2019 08:20

When i was at guide camp we used to camp by a railway line. We used to dare each other to strip naked and run round the tent when a train passed. We found it hilarious. These pranks and high jinks are normal at camp. Nothing to be ashamed of.

UCOinanOCG · 08/04/2019 08:21

I have to say we only did this at night in the dark!

AuntMarch · 08/04/2019 08:21

He's not the first to do such a "dare". I completely understand it's not something you want him to be doing, but assuming your DH spoke to him about it being inappropriate I'd not embarrass him further by going over it again myself.

Original poster

ASnowballsChance · 08/04/2019 08:21

Thankfully there was a mobile phone ban! There was only one proper friend in the group, the others he only knows and two of the lads he's had issues with when they last went away so I'm a bit unhappy he was housed with them.

The other issue is that I don't know how to bring it up with him as he disclosed this to DH, not me, and I don't want to tell him his Dad told me and ruin his trust in his Dad.

OP posts:

Jakesmumandbump · 08/04/2019 08:23

I wouldn’t do anything other than to thank him for telling me/DH and have a little chat about peer pressure.

wonderingsoul · 08/04/2019 08:26

I wouldn't bring it up, but maybe get dh to go over it.

What did your dh say?

Beamur · 08/04/2019 08:28

Then talk to your DH and let him speak with DS. You don't have to be directly involved.

MyNewBearTotoro · 08/04/2019 08:30

I think a chat to DS about the pants rule and about peer pressure in general are probably a good idea. I wouldn’t make a big deal of it with your DS but would certainly raise it and try and give him the skills to say no in a peer-pressure situation in the future. He doesn’t want to become known as the boy in the friendship group who will do anything for a dare as that’s likely to be something that’s taken advantage of and he ends up being the butt of every joke.

Were the other boys all of a similar age? I wouldnt take it any further if they were all primary-school aged but if some of the boys were older I would definitely be raising concerns with the scout group as I feel there’s a big difference between a 10-year-old persuading another 10-year-old to do this and boys of 12+ who’ve started puberty and should definitely know this isn’t appropriate. If any of the boys were older then I would want to know they were being pulled up for this.

Mishappening · 08/04/2019 08:30

Sounds a bit like the "you show me yours and I'll show you mine" that has always been part of being a child.

I think it is important not to make too heavy a deal of this - just say you are glad he was able to tell his Dad and give him some strategies for dealing with being pressurised into doing things he does not want to do.

I have heard that worse things happen in the showers after rugby matches - all boys together being really silly.

SosigDog · 08/04/2019 08:33

I’d talk to the scout leaders, they need to be emphasising what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour. But for me the bigger issue is that your son is being coerced into doing stupid things. I’ve seen this happen before where kids will do anything to be liked and accepted, and other kids just take the mick and get them to do stupid things. The kid becomes a laughing stock and someone to be made fun of, not a friend. It’s unpleasant and leads to increasingly bad behaviour from the child who is desperate to be liked and included. It needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP.

hibbidydibbity · 08/04/2019 08:35

Scouts are aged 10-14 right?

So your son was one of the youngest.
I'd be very annoyed if I found the older ones were involved in this. Similar age seems not so bad. But a 13-14 year old actively encouraging a 10 yr old to expose himself doesn't sit well with me at all.

The fact that this seems like its typical camp behaviour for Scout camps makes me worried too.

I'd be having words with the scout leaders and finding out as many of the details as possible.

I'm glad that your son was able to talk to your DH.

ittakes2 · 08/04/2019 08:38

Don't be cross with him - he won't tell you anything again, In fact, be as supportive as you can and explain its important he feels confident not doing something to his body he does not want to do - and that you will always support him on this. I would not speak to the scout leaders personally unless he is going on another camp soon.

Mintandthyme · 08/04/2019 08:39

Sounds a bit like the "you show me yours and I'll show you mine" that has always been part of being a child.

That usually peters out by the age of 5 or 6.
In this case the children are 10 and it was only the op’s son who was targeted in this way. It wasn’t a reciprocal deal..

MadAboutWands · 08/04/2019 08:46

Actually yes it was a dare but it also has the potential to become a tool for bullying. Esp if the children involved have already had issue ps with your ds.

What did your DH say to your ds and why do you feel the need for YOU to talk to him? I would have expected my DH to have had a chat with my ds already tbh.
I also would expect my DH to go and have a word with the scouts. Both to avoid your ds to be put with those boys again and to ask them for their input.

Original poster

ASnowballsChance · 08/04/2019 08:59

I've just had a chat with DS - apparently he had told DH to tell me on his behalf. DS said that all the boys in the room did it (there were 5 in a room), which makes me feels slightly better. I showed him the NSPCC video and I think it's freaked him out! (He doesn't have a mobile phone yet and I appreciate it's not quite the same but I wanted him to be aware of how 'silly' little dares with his mates can spiral out of control.

OP posts:

HappyLife21 · 08/04/2019 09:13

If all of them did it then that does cast it in an entirely different light!

Original poster

ASnowballsChance · 08/04/2019 09:15

Thatat what I thought, I wish DH had got the whole story to begin with!

OP posts:

SkintAsASkintThing · 08/04/2019 09:34

It was just a date .........he sounds quite vulnerable to me tho and it's obviously playing on his mind. That should be your bigger concern, sounds like it's time to work in some strategies with him about how to handle situations he isn't comfortable with.

Justaboy · 08/04/2019 09:43

Wait till he gets to Uni this ramps up several levels;!

And if its Oxford they carry on this silly buggers and then go on to run the country;(

All hope is gone!

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