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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think stbxh shouldn't be having these conversations with the children?

12 replies

Sparrowlegs248 · 08/04/2019 00:37

Separated 16 months ago. Dc aged 2 and 3.5 . I have receny discovered that stbxh regularly talks to dc1 about how he used to live here with us, that he doesn't anymore because mummy doesn't want him to, mummy wasn't happy, he still loves mummy and wants to live with us again. Dc1 asked today if daddy could live with us again. Dc2 obviously doesn't remember stbx living here and I'm pretty sure dc1 wouldn't either if he wasn't being regularly reminded of it.

The reason we split was because he is an unpleasant, moody, abusive, controlling man. He would ignore me for weeks on end. He had foul moods. He raged at me for doing bedtime wrong on my first night hone with dc2 after a traumatic birth, he punched the wall so hard he broke his hand. He refused to rein in his temper in front of the children.

He appears to be improved now, having had counselling etc. But now This. I HATE the thought of my sweet little boy worrying about his dad. And what do I tell him? I don't want to tell him anything, but he says, can daddy live with us again . No. But he wants to, why not?

OP posts:
Azure67 · 08/04/2019 00:56

sounds like your stbxh is trying to get under your skin via the children - I'm so sorry that you have to deal with that :(
I wish I had any advice, but I don't have children myself. Just wanted to express my sympathies.

Flossy04 · 08/04/2019 00:57

I'm so sorry to hear this 🙁 I have a STS of 3yo and his mother hates me, constantly worry about what is being said to him as even after nearly 2 years she cannot come to terms with the fact that me and OH are in a relationship and that we are all happy and that she should just be happy STS is happy too

Sending best wishes xx

OhamIreally · 08/04/2019 01:02

Flossy I think your situation is rather different.

KindnessIsUnderrated · 08/04/2019 01:02

This is one of the few reasons I would ever stop my ex seeing my DD. Kids aren't there for emotional manipulation by one of their parents. And no way would I have my child turned against me by an aggressive bully.

Given the violence and the emotional manipulation, it really sounds as if your children's best interests aren't being met by their dad.

Flossy04 · 08/04/2019 01:24

OhAmIReally no need to be so hostile just because I'm not his BM doesn't mean I don't worry

slashlover · 08/04/2019 01:59

What's a STS? Sept something son?

OP - You're stbxh is emotionally manipulating a 3 year old. Horrible.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/04/2019 02:11

He hasnt improved at all, he is just using different weapons.

Controlling abusive men never change, they just change method.

He cant bully and control you directly anymore so he is doing it via the kids, knowing full well what it will do to you.

I would suggest you contact your solicitor regarding this, and social services too. Long term this could do a lot of damage to your children and you need to get it stopped asap.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/04/2019 02:13

Flossy I think your situation is rather different.

Actually I dont think it is. A parent emotionally abusing their own child because they hate the other people/person in their lives is wrong regardless of whether it is a parent or step parent. The fact that Flossy is more worried about this than the birth mother says a lot....

Alicewond · 08/04/2019 02:17

Anyone who tries emotional abuse to turn a child against someone who loves them for selfish reasons isn’t a great parent. That shouldn’t matter if it is a birth, step or adoptive parent. Let’s not judge the ones caring here

snitzelvoncrumb · 08/04/2019 02:21

That is awful. I would talk to a councillor who specialises in kids going through this and see if they can offer any advice. I would consider seeing if you can get supervised access too. For now find a nice explanation like mummy is much happier now, as daddy and I didn't always get along. Hopefully daddy is happy too, we both love you very much. All the best I hope you get this sorted x

daisydo123 · 08/04/2019 02:39

PyongnyangKipperbang

Thank you for understanding, OH's EX has recently had arguments and said his son 'doesn't want to see him' 'doesn't love him' 'is never happy with us' etc on the phone to OH makes us both wonder what is said at home in front of DSS I do not and will not get involved with anything to do with EX

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 09/04/2019 10:02

@PyongyangKipperbang I have thought that myself. He's no longer living with me so can't subject me to his moods, silences, outbursts etc. I have said it to him, he's still controlling me but doing it differently. I'm over a barrel atm still living in "our" home. The last to.e I called him out on something he decided on a course of action that would have massively upset the children. I talked him round but I'm actually thinking I shouldn't have bothered i just don't feel they should be upset any more than can be helped.

He has said he doesn't bring this stuff up, dc does, and he just tried to answer him honestly.

@snitzelvoncrumb that's good advice 're the counsellor, thank you.

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