To think im doing my kids no good

[POOPOO01]

To cut a long winded and perhaps feeling sorry for myself, story short... I just feel I am doing my 2 dc no good by not being hard enough on them. My oldest 10yrs ds just came in from being at friends and completely disregarded me when I told him not to put on his xbox as it was too late. My youngest ds 5yrs is still floating arou d with his toys and ignori g my request for him to put his pj's on and so is half naked. Me on the other hand am sick and tired of having to physically do things like drag them over put there pj's on etc. Also sick of having a mini war over xbox. Soi know that it's my fault that they have no routine and no self-discipline as neither do I but just needed to leave them for 5 mins and come and write this. I actually wish I could go back a fews years and re write myself!!!

Thank you everyone for your replies. My oldest was at a friend's 2 doors along and his mum walked mine back. I wasn't bothered about the lateness as its school holidays here and was thinking he could go to bed as he came in. My oldest in bed now but youngest has just emptied a bag of small lego type toys over his bed so after reading these replies I have told him he will have to clean up in the dark as I will be 2 minutes till finish with this phone and light is going out again, so he is quickly cleaning up! Now all I have to do is put my foot down and stick with it thanks again

Others are giving good advice. I just wanted to say that it is not too late to change this, although it will be hard work. But if you don't tackle it now, you will be posting in here in 3 or 4 years time about a teenager and older kid who refuses to listen to you and do what they want. And its gets really hard to turn round a teenager.

Stay strong!

At least you recognise you have a bit of a problem, now is a good time to address it. I agree your DC's bedtimes are much too late. I know it's the holidays and I do let my 10 yr old stay up later then - she had a friend for a sleepover last night and they were watching a film and didn't go to bed until 10.30, but that's not usual, and I certainly wouldn't let her be out at that time! Normally I try to get her to bed at 8.30/9 on a school night and 9/9.30 at a weekend - although that can drift if there's something like Blue Planet on TV.......

5 year olds need early nights and clear boundaries, and it should be non-negotiable. My DS has ASD but he knows which parts of the day are set in stone - getting ready for school in the morning, and going to bed at night - and so he knows what to expect.

I agree with a PP - sit down with DC10 and agree clear rules - and also situations where you MIGHT agree to deviate from those eg holiday time. But once you set a penalty it has to be followed through!

With younger DC its easier - set the rules, stick to them, reward good behaviour such as getting his PJs on in advance, and make it clear that non-compliance is not an option. Count down from 3,2,1 or give 5 minutes, if not done within that timeframe then have clear sanctions in place which he knows about before you start. Whatever he really likes - so 'no chocolate cake tomorrow' or 'no computer games' etc.

Good luck. I still sometimes end up nagging like a fishwife but tbf mine are mostly pretty good..... Who knows what the teenage years will bring......but I think if you get some sort of discipline now it can only help (she says, hopefully....)

And you can always post on MN to vent or for a handhold if it is all feeling too much.
Well done in making your oldest go to bed and putting your foot down with the youngest.

Consistency is important so that your children know where they stand. It’s unsettling for them if you give mixed messages.

Could you access a parenting course through your local children's centre? (If you still have one) you sound a bit lost and this will result in fuzzy boundaries.
It's never easy is it? Stay strong and don't be afraid to ask for advice.

Start by reminding yourself you are the parent not their friend. Don't ask them to do things. Tell them. And mean it. There need to be consequences for not doing as they are told.
When I was on my own bedtimes for my kids were so important. They get rest and structure and you get a break. All the other behaviours can be fixed so have faith in yourself.

Thanks everyone I'm off to sleep now but feel better equipped to make it a better tomorrow for the 3 of us

You can do this!

You need to crack bedtime because it’s makes life harder for you not to.

Imagine nice child free evenings watching grown up TV or chatting in the phone, even having a friend round for a drink.

Do it for your own sanity

Reward them for the behaviours you want to see more of.

Remove or disable the X box. Maybe start by removing it and then they earn it back by a certain number of points for good behaviour.

Also time them on the X box. Make it a privilege instead of a right. Stick to the timer exactly, no excuses.

You don't have to remove the whole thing. Just remove an easy to remove element of it (controller, game, connecting cable) that renders it useless.

Try and have some fun with them. If you are in a cycle of shouting and fighting and trying to demand respect, there's no time or energy for fun and they then grow up too soon and get hardened.

Also try and find some other interest that you can do together. My tech mad 11yo loves making biscuits or cakes and decorating them. Making pizza from scratch also appeals to a lot of kids - making pizza dough is really easy (flour, instant yeast sachet, olive oil basically) and they love arranging their own toppings. To avoid arguments, prepare in advance (get all the stuff together) and don't get too bothered about accidental mess. If they get overexcited, sit them out for 2 minutes and then invite them back in when calmer.

Try reading to them at bed last thing at night. This is a really bonding thing to do. Chapter books which are age appropriate and interesting but not the usual popular nonsense full of illustrations (and nothing where the main character is rude or obnoxious). Something which isn't so "instant" and takes time to build up to so they get a sense of anticipation and patience. Have patience yourself with all of this sort of thing, because if they are not used to it they will probably reject it at first but if you can persevere you'll find they adapt to it.

I think lots of people re going to come and give you practical point by point advice.but please know that behind that (most) of us have a lot of empathetic feeling behind the words and know that we can put it all down but that its lots harder to actually do,especailly if you've become in the current behavioural rut.

firstly stop him going out so late.he should be well in bed by then never mind out!
and either take the controls away after the last play so that he cant play late at night.or warn him.tell him you will start by trusting him that when you say enough its enough but next time the control or actual aconsole will be taken.
talk to him.sit him down and set some playing rules.is it an hour a night.an hour when he comes in.does he need to finish his homework first or does he prefer a wind down from school on it before he sets to work.
what will and wont you take it off him for.then he knows.then follow through.

the young one just do it.take him to his room and sit there till hes in.this might happen a few times til he gets bored and realise you mean business and he will just do it.

also though in between times.you have to live and love and be a family for all the other stuff to work.becasue they need to love and respect you enough to want to do it and that comes from it being both a loving house but one where they feel they have boundaires.boundaries help kids feel safe.

When I posted last night I really didn't think about the replies but everyone has given fab advice and tips. Thank you

So take the Xbox and lock it away. Who’s the grown up here? Privileges are earned.

I feel for you op. My son has refused to get dressed so me, dd and him can go out. He is also 10.

He's being stubborn and refusing so I have taken his iPad away. Then dd started shouting at me and being rude so I took the WiFi router up to my bedroom to join the iPad along with the switch and told them they will just have to be bored then.

I'm laying on my bed mumsnetting and I don't care. They had they had the offer to go out and do something, my son just wanted to sit and rot on his iPad all day so the little fuckers they can be bored then can't they!

For context we had a lazy tech day yesterday. I had some work to complete on my laptop so was happy for them to doss with screen time. It's not happening every bloody day though!

With the younger one and the pyjamas - try giving them the length of a song to get them on. With some kids just having that finite length of time (and the idea of things like minutes isn't very good at that age) to get a task done chivvys them up no end. Granted it means 2/3 of the song hopping around to Baby Shark howling with laughter and one leg in their pyjamas - but it works a treat on my kids.

OP it is hard being a single DM. I think most of us at some point take the easy option with DC.
I know super nanny has some controversial methods, but I find the large chart of routine works well, My 10 years enjoys it too as well as the little one.
Things will get better.

I hope you are feeling more able today op.
It is so hard to follow through with things and to always be the bad guy but it is so important for their own sakes.
I don't have limits on screen time but when they are ignoring me I say "I will count to 3 and if you haven't done as I ask the TV goes off". Then I do it. It gives them time to react and often I just pause the TV until they have done it.
Tidying up - I ask twice and then the third time "either you tidy it away or I put it in the bin". I did once have to put the toy in the bin (and then took it out and hid it for a week) to get the message accross. They need to know you mean it.

My boys are currently one week into an Xbox ban because they couldn’t seem to control their attitudes when it was coming off time, can you just do that? My oh even hid the xboxes because he thinks I’m gunna give in 😂

If you stick to the consequences each time, it does get easier too.

For example, yesterday I asked my 14 year old to put out the recycling. I got up this morning, realised he hadn't done it, so went into his room and took his ps4 controller, tablet and phone. He asked me what I was doing, I told him, and he said, "sorry, I'll do it when I'm up" and I said "Great, and you can have these back when it's done". There was zero drama as we've been operating like this for years now.

I feel like I'm too hard on mine lately.
Telling off and consequences for every mistake. Especially for having to repeat house rules dc should know.
Im way too snappy.
Somewhere between us is a golden middle ground.